Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

[Meo U]

Hồi trước có nghe các mẹ đề cập đến cuốn sách này, nghe có vẻ hay quá. Mình cũng đã ngó nghiêng mấy nhà sách mà không thấy. Có mẹ nào biết được sách này hiện có bán ở đâu tại TP. HCM thì chỉ giúp với nhé (bản tiếng Việt nha, đọc bằng tiếng Anh thì hơi "phê" :P :oops: ). Thanks nhiều.

[trucmai]

Xin lỗi vì mình cũng ko biết cuốn sách này bán ở đâu!
Nhưng mà phải quảng cáo là theo mình cuốn sách này hay thật là hay. Mình cũng đã mượn để 'ngâm cứu' đến 3 - 4 lần trong thời gian 'cưa' chàng. Trình độ tiếng Anh của mình thì tệ lắm lắm (không nói quá đâu), nhưng vẫn ráng đọc bằng bản tiếng Anh vì tác giả viết cũng dễ hiểu và dễ đóan lắm. Nếu ko tìm được bản tiếng Việt thì bạn nên đọc bằng bản tiếng Anh, nhiều khi người dịch trình độ ko cao sẽ ko dịch thóat ý và hay như khi mình đọc bản nguyên gốc.

[hktran]

Mình cũng có cuốn sách này, nhưng mà tiếng Anh. Phải công nhận là hay cực kỳ đấy. Meo U ơi, chị đọc bằng English đi, hay hơn và cũng dễ hiểu lắm như truc mai nói đấy. Í mà nếu chị và các mẹ tìm được cuốn sách dịch ra tiếng Việt ở đâu thì ơi ới cho em biết với để em tham khảo luôn.

[Liên ròm]

Lạc đê tí nhe: Mẹ Bí ơi, em đã đọc phần tiếng Việt trong forum của tụi mình chưa ? Em Phương đã post lên một phần tiếng Việt rồi đó .

Ai muốn đọc chút đỉnh thì được chứ cả cuốn thì tụi này không có :D

[Meo U]

Khổ lắm, em muốn chàng đọc nữa muh, đưa English ra thì chàng chạy mất dép :D. Ới ới, có ai giúp được không?

[Soc&Nhim]

Mình có bản dịch sơ lược ra tiếng Việt (khoảng 7-8 trang). Nếu Meo Ú thích thì mình gửi cho, đọc đỡ ghiền :D

À mà đây cũng là từ nguồn của Stink đó bác lienrom à ;)

[tumeo]

Chị Hằng ơi FW cho em với. Nếu ngon thì sáng mai em sẽ lọ mọ đi tìm mấy "đầu nậu" ở HN

[Tim & Sam]

Bac Hang gui cho nha` chau' 1 ban voi xem nao`. Cam on bac nhieu nhieu...kisses....

[Meo U]

Chị Hằng ơi, có còn hơn không, đọc đỡ ghiền vậy, nhưng mà vẫn muốn đọc hết cơ.

Tú ơi, bảo đảm là "bạn sẽ thích ngay mà" ;) Nếu tìm được "đầu nậu" thì ới giúp nhé.

Cảm ơn mọi người nhiều.

[Lan Hương 1978]

Nếu em không nhầm thì cuốn này đã dịch sang tiếng Việt rồi, dưới tiêu đề là: Bí quyết Hoà hợp trong tình yêu
Liệu em có nhầm không?????????

[thuy&ngoc62003]

Chi FW cho em xin 1 ban nhe

Thank you chi

[Mẹ Cún còi]

Nghe mọi người bàn luận cũng thấy tò mò. Chị Hằng ơi, cho em xin một bản nữa nhé.
nguyenhuechi2003@yahoo.com

[Lily]

Cuốn này mình đọc tiếng Việt mà, hình như cái tên như Hoà (LH78) nói, quên rồi. Nhưng đọc chỉ biết thế để đỡ thất vọng ;)
Các bác ơi tiếng Anh ở đâu ta, các bác có nguồn nào cho em biết với, em xin hậu tạ :D Để em thỉnh thoảng lừa lừa dụ bổ túc tiếng Anh cho bố cháu hehehee (vì gí cuốn TV bố cháu cóc thèm liếc mắt).
Sách TV xuất bản lâu rồi sợ không còn nữa nhưng nếu cần kiếm thì để mình tìm lại.

[Soc&Nhim]

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
John Gray, Ph.D
NXB: Harper Collins, 1992
Lời giới thiệu
Một tuần sau khi bé Lauren ra đờI, cả tôi và Bonnie (vợ tôi) đều cảm thấy mệt rã rời. MỗI buổI đêm, bé đều đánh thức cả hai dậy. Bonnie phảI mổ nên cô phảI dùng thuốc giảm đau, mỗI khi đi lạI, cô ấy cảm thấy rất đau. Sau khi nghỉ 5 ngày ở nhà để giúp đỡ Bonnie, tôi quay lại cơ quan bởi trông cô ấy đã có vẻ khá hơn.
Khi tôi đã đi, cô ấy phát hiện ra số thuốc giảm đau không còn. Thế mà thay vì gọI điện cho tôi thì cô ấy lạI nhờ một ngườI anh của tôi mua thuốc tiện khi đến nhà chơi. Tuy nhiên, anh tôi đã quên không đến. Vì thế, cô ấy đã phải chịu đau đớn cả ngày trong khi vẫn phải trông con bé.
Tôi đã không hề biết gì về nỗi vất vả của cô ấy suốt cả ngày cho đến khi quay về và tôi thấy cô ấy có vẻ rất buồn bực. Nhưng lúc đó, tôi đã hiểu sai sự căng thẳng của cô ấy, và nghĩ là cô ấy trách móc vì tôi đã để cô ấy ở nhà một mình.
Cô ấy đã nói với tôi «Em phải chịu đau cả ngày. Em không còn một viên thuốc nào và em bị gắn chặt vào giường cả ngày mà chẳng có ai hỏi han». Tôi bèn phản đối «Tại sao em không gọi điện cho anh?».Bonnie nói «Em đã gọi điện cho anh trai anh nhưng anh ấy quên. Và anh ấy cũng không ghé qua nhà. Anh muốn em phải làm gì chứ? Em không thể đi được, em cảm thấy như bị bỏ rơi vậy!».
Đến lúc đó thì tôi cảm thấy thật sự khó chịu. Ngày hôm đó, tôi đã mất hết kiên nhẫn và tôi không muốn nhắc lại việc cô ấy đã không gọi điện cho tôi. Tôi thấy cô ấy không công bằng vì thực ra tôi cũng đâu có biết cô ấy phải chịu đau. Sau một vài lời gay gắt, tôi quay đi ra ngoài. Lúc đó tôi cũng cảm thấy thật mệt mỏi, bực bội và tôi cũng chán lắm rồi! Cả hai chúng tôi đều ở điểm giới hạn của sự chịu đựng rồi.
Đó cũng là lúc mà có cái gì đó đã làm thay đổi cuộc sống của tôi sau đó.
Bonnie gọi tôi «Anh đứng lại đã! Anh không thể bỏ em lạI được vì cần anh hơn bao giờ hết. Em đau lắm và anh biết là có nhiều ngày em không ngủ được. Anh hãy nghe em một lần này thôi».
Tôi đứng lại để nghe nốt những gì cô ấy nói. Cô ấy tiếp tục «John Gray, anh chỉ là một ngườI yêu lý tưởng trong thờI gian yêu nhau thôi! Khi em vẫn còn được coi là Bonnie đáng yêu và dễ thương của anh, anh luôn vẫn ở bên cạnh em. Nhưng bây giờ đây, khi em chỉ thay đổi một chút thôi, anh đã bỏ đi!». Cô ấy ngừng lại, mắt ngấn lệ. Giọng yếu dần: «Khi em đau như thế này, em chẳng có gì để cho anh cả. Nhưng đó là lúc mà em cần anh hơn bao giờ hết. Em xin anh, đừng bỏ em, hãy ôm em vào lòng! Anh không cần phải nói gì cả. Em chỉ muốn được ở trong vòng tay của anh thôi. Em xin anh đừng bỏ đi”.
Tôi tiến lại gần, và im lặng ôm cô vào lòng. Một vài phút sau, cô cám ơn tôi đã ở lại và nhắc lại rằng cô ấy cần tôi ở bên cạnh một lúc.
Đó là lúc mà tôi bắt đầu hiểu rằng thế nào là một tình yêu vô điều kiện. Tuy rằng trước đây tôi đã luôn tin rằng tôi hiểu thế nào là tình yêu. Nhưng vợ tôi có lý, tôi chỉ là một người tình lý tưởng trong những ngày say đắm thôi. Khi cô ấy vui vẻ, hạnh phúc, tôi cũng thấy yêu cô ấy. Nhưng khi cô ấy trở nên cáu kỉnh và mệt mỏi thì tôi lại cảm thấy bị trách móc và nổi giận, và muốn bỏ đi.
Lần đầu tiên trong ngày hôm đó, tôi không đi đâu cả. Tôi đã ở nhà cùng vợ và cảm thấy thực sự hài lòng. Tôi đã có mặt những lúc mà cô ấy cảm thấy cần tôi. Tôi cảm nhận được thế nào là tình yêu đích thực. Nghĩ về người khác. Tin tưởng vào tình yêu của chính bản thân mình. Đáp ứng được yêu cầu của người khác. Tôi đã không nhớ được mọi việc diễn ra đối với tôi dễ dàng thế nào để có thể chịu đựng khó khăn của vợ tôi sau khi cô ấy đã chỉ cho tôi cách để thể hiên tình cảm của mình
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
(Tiếp lời giới thiệu)
Làm sao tôi có thể vô tâm lâu đến vậy nhỉ? Vợ tôi chỉ muốn tôi ở gần và ôm cô ấy vào lòng. Có thể một người phụ nữ khác, với bản năng đàn bà sẽ hiểu được những gì Bonnie cần, nhưng là một người đàn ông, tôi chẳng hề có ý thức rằng việc ôm lấy cô ấy, lắng nghe cô ấy lại có ý nghĩa như vậy. Khi bắt đầu khám phá ra sự khác nhau cơ bản giữa hai giới, tôi lại phát hiện ra những cách thức mới để «giao tiếp» với vợ tôi. Tôi đã không thể tin rằng có thể giải quyết được bất đồng giao tiếp một cách dễ dàng như thế.
Trong những mối quan hệ trước đây, tôi thường trở nên thờ ơ và nhạt nhẽo vào những thờI điểm khó khăn, chỉ đơn giản vì tôi chẳng biết làm gì cả. Cũng chính vì thế mà cuộc hôn nhân đầu tiên của tôi đã thất bạI thảm hại.
Kinh nghiệm vớI Bonnie đã khiến tôi hiểu được rằng tôi có thể thay đổi cách phản ứng để thích hợp với những thờI điểm nhạy cảm đó.
Ý tưởng đó đã khiến tôi theo đuổI nghiên cứu trong 7 năm trờI, để rồI tôi đã khám phá ra và phân tích được những điểm khác biệt rất tinh tế giữa ngườI đàn ông và ngườI đàn bà, đó cũng chính là nộI dung của cuốn sách này. Khi tìm hiểu từ ngữ đặc biệt có liên quan tớI sự khác nhau giữa ngườI phụ nữ và ngườI đàn ông, tự dưng tôi chợt hiểu rằng không nhất thiết cuộc hôn nhân phảI trở thành một nơi căng thẳng như chiến trường giống như nó đã xảy ra vớI tôi. VớI một ý niệm hoàn toàn mớI về sự khác biệt giữa tôi và Bonnie, chúng tôi đã cảI thiện đáng kể cách giao tiếp và hiểu được rõ hơn vai trò của nhau trong cuộc sống.
Chúng tôi đã cùng nhau phát hiện ra những phương thức mớI để cảI thiện mối quan hệ khi cùng nhau tìm hiểu và khám phá các vấn đề trong cuộc sống hàng ngày. Chúng tôi cũng đã tìm thấy các khái niệm về mốI quan hệ giữa con ngườI mà những lớp ngườI trước đây không hiểu rõ và cũng chính vì thế họ cũng không thể nói cho chúng ta biết. Dần dần, tôi chia sẻ những khám phá của mình vớI các khách hàng khi họ đến hỏI ý kiến, bản thân họ và những kinh nghiệm của họ cũng rất quý báu. Hàng nghìn ngườI tham gia vào hộI thảo cuốI tuần của tôi đã có những thay đổI tiến bộ trong mốI quan hệ lứa đôi ngay ngày hôm sau.
au 7 năm trờI, nhờ tiếp xúc vớI nhiêù cá nhân và nhiêù cặp vợ chồng, tôi đã thu nhận thêm nhiều điều có ý nghĩa khác. Tôi nhận được rất nhiều ảnh của những cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc vớI những đứa con và cả những lờI cảm ơn vì đã giúp họ vượt qua cơn sóng gió. Cho dù tình yêu của họ có thể cứu vớt được cuộc hôn nhân, nhưng cũng khó có thể tránh khỏI việc ly dị nếu bản thân họ không thành công trong việc hiểu được ngườI ngườI khác giới.
usan và Tim đã cướI nhau được 9 năm. Giống như những người khác, tình yêu của họ ban đầu cũng rất nồng nàn, nhưng sau nhiều năm có bất đồng và cảm thấy thất vọng về nhau, đam mê cũng giảm dần, họ quyết định buông xuôi. Tuy nhiên, trước khi đi đến ly dị, họ đã thống nhất cùng nhau tham dự một buổi hội thảo của tôi về đề tài quan hệ con người. Trước đó, Susan đã kể rằng: «Chúng tôi đã cố gắng hết sức để cải thiện mối quan hệ rồi, nhưng chúng tôi khác nhau nhiều quá».
Trong suốt thời gian hộI thảo, họ cảm thấy bị đảo lộn bởI ý nghĩ rằng sự khác nhau giữa hai giớI không chỉ đơn thuần là những gì mà chúng ta vẫn nhìn thấy. Họ cảm thấy vững tâm hơn vớI thực tế là các đôi lứa khác cũng đã gặp phải những khó khăn trong giao tiếp tương tự của họ. Chỉ hai ngày sau đó, Susan và Jim đã cùng đạt được những hiểu biết cơ bản về sự khác nhau giữa người đàn ông và người đàn bà. Họ thấy tình yêu trở lại và mối quan hệ của họ đã chuyển biến một cách lạ kỳ. Không hề nghĩ đến vấn đề ly dị, họ lại cùng nhau xây dựng kế hoạch cho cuộc sống sau này. Jim đã nói với chúng tôi rằng : «Những hiểu biết về sự khác nhau giữa chúng tôi đã mang trở lại cho tôi người vợ yêu quý. Đó là món quá đẹp nhất của cuộc đời tôi, chúng tôi cảm thấy như vừa mới yêu vậy». Sáu năm sau đó, khi chúng tôi đến thăm nhà mới và gia đình họ, tình yêu của họ vẫn rất thắm thiết. Họ vẫn còn cảm ơn chúng tôi về việc đã mang đến cho họ ý tưởng về việc tìm hiểu rõ nhau để duy trì cuộc hôn nhân.
Cho dù chúng ta có thống nhất với nhau rằng người đàn ông và người đàn bà có nhiều điểm khác biệt, nhưng phần lớn mọi người vẫn không thể hiểu được những điểm khác nhau đó là gì? Trong 10 năm gần đây, rất nhiều cuốn sách đã đề cập tới vấn đề này và đưa ra các định nghĩa về sự khác nhau. Nhưng dù với số lượng sách nhiều như vậy, nhưng các cuốn sách mới chỉ khai thác vấn đề ở một khía cạnh, mà không đi sâu vào «tính đa nghi» cũng như «sự bất đồng» giữa hai giới. Nội dung các cuốn sách chỉ nói chung chung về một giới tính này là nạn nhân của giới tính kia. Trong khi mà, cho dù với người thông minh nhất, để hiểu được cách thức mà người đàn ông và người đàn bà khác nhau trên thực tế vẫn cần có một cuốn sách chỉ dẫn.
Để cải thiện quan hệ giữa hai giới, cần mở rộng sự hiểu biết về sự khác nhau mà từ đó có thể làm thúc đẩy những tình cảm của bản thân, các phẩm chất cá nhân chuyển biến nhờ có được niềm tin lẫn nhau, trách nhiệm cá nhân, sự chia sẻ và một tình thương yêu vô bờ bến.
au khi phỏng vấn 25000 người tham gia vào các cuộc hội thảo về mối quan hệ con người, tôi đã có thể định nghĩa được những điểm khác nhau rõ ràng giữa người đàn ông và người đàn bà. Vì thế, khi bạn đã khám phá ra được sự khác nhau đó, bạn sẽ thấy những nghi ngờ và bất đồng của bạn tan biến (như «đá dưới ánh nắng mặt trời vậy»).
…………
Chương 1: Đàn ông đến từ sao Hoả, Đàn bà đến từ sao Vệ Nữ
(không biết nên để là sao Vệ nữ hay sao Kim nhỉ???)
Hãy tưởng tượng rằng, thực ra người đàn ông đến từ sao Hoả và người đàn bà đến từ sao Vệ Nữ. Một ngày đẹp trời, cách đây rất lâu, những anh chàng sao Hoả nhòm vào kính viễn vọng, và phát hiện ra các cô nàng Vệ Nữ. Khám phá này đã khiến làm trỗi dậy những cảm giác thật kỳ lạ chưa bao giờ xảy ra đối với các chàng trai, và tình yêu đó mạnh đến mức họ quyết định tiến hành ngay chuyến phiêu lưu xuyên hành tinh để tới sao Vệ Nữ.
Các nàng sao Vệ nữ đã đón tiếp các chàng trai sao Hoả rất nồng hậu. Chuyến viếng thăm này dường như mang lại niềm hy vọng to lớn và một tình yêu mà các nàng chưa được cảm nhận bao giờ trong trái tim.
Tình yêu giữa các nàng sao Vệ nữ và các chàng sao Hoả thật kỳ diệu. Họ thật sự thấy vui vẻ khi ở bên nhau, được cùng nhau làm việc, và cùng chia sẻ hạnh phúc. Cho dù họ sống ở hai hành tinh khác nhau nhưng họ vẫn cảm thấy thích thú vì những sự khác biệt đó. Họ sồng với nhau nhiều tháng và khám phá lẫn nhau, thích thú với những điểm khác biệt trong nhu cầu, sở thích và cách ứng xử. Và họ sống trong tình yêu và sự hoà hợp trong rất nhiều năm.
Thế rồI một ngày kia, họ cúng di chuyển tớI mặt Đất. Ban đầu, tất cả thật tuyệt vờI và rực rỡ. Nhưng không gian của Trái đất gây một ảnh hưởng xấu tới họ, một buổi sáng khi thức dậy, họ thấy cơ thể thay đổi và đặc biệt họ mất hết trí nhớ, đó là chứng bệnh quên «có chọn lọc».
Lúc đó, họ quên rằng mình đến từ những hành tinh khác nhau và là những người có nội tại khác nhau. Chỉ sau một đêm, những gì họ biết về những điểm khác biệt giữa họ bị xoá hết, và từ hôm đó, sự bất đồng trong giao tiếp giữa người đàn ông và người đàn bà xuất hiện...
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Hãy học cách lắng nghe (trích trong chương 2)
Người đàn ông không hiểu làm thế nào có thể hiểu được ngưòi đàn bà khác với anh ta và cũng như không thể hiểu rằng anh ta có thể gây ra một sự hiểu nhầm trong lời nói một cách vô thức khi đang cố gắng hết sức để giúp đỡ người bạn đời của mình. Đàn ông cần nhớ rằng nếu người đàn bà nói về những vấn đề của họ với người đàn ông, đó là để được gần gũi và chia sẻ chứ không phải để tìm một giải pháp.
Cho dù có những lúc người đàn bà chỉ muốn nói về một ngày bình thường, nói về cảm giác của cô ấy; về chồng, và nghĩ rằng chồng cô sẽ chú ý, thì người chồng lại làm ngắt quã ng câu chuyện bởi một loạt các giải pháp cho những vấn đề đó. Và cuối cùng thì anh ta cũng không thể hiểu tại sao người vợ của mình lại không thấy hài lòng.
Ví dụ như câu chuyện sau: Mary trở về nhà sau một ngày mệt nhọc. Cô ấy có nhu cầu nói về những việc trong ngày.
Thế là cô ấy nói : «Thật là một ngày mệt nhọc, em hầu như không có một chút thời gian nào nữa».
Tom bèn trả lờI: “Em bỏ quách công việc đó đi. Em đâu có cần làm việc nhiều như thế, em cứ làm việc gì mà em thấy cần thiết ấy».
Thế là Mary đáp lại : «Nhưng em yêu thích công việc đó. Chỉ mỗi tội là họ lại muốn em thay đổi tất cả vào phút cuối thôi».
Tom chêm vào: “Thế cứ để họ làm. Em cứ chỉ làm những gì trong khả năng của em thôi».
Và Mary lại tiếp tục: “ Nhưng đó là công việc của em. Thôi không nói nữa, hôm nay em quên mất không gọi điện cho dì rồi».
«Không sao đâu, dì sẽ hiểu thôi mà» Tom nói.
Mary hơi lên giọng: « Anh chẳng hiểu gì cả. Dì rất cần em!»
Tom lạI tiếp lờI: “Em cứ hay lo lắng quá, chính vì thế nên em mới thấy vất vả».
Và thế là Mary trở nên bực bội : «Không phải lúc nào em cũng vất vả! Nhưng ít ra anh có thể nghe em nói chứ?».
Tom gắt : «Thế em nghĩ là anh đang làm gì? Anh nghe em đây!»
Mary thật sự thất vọng và thốt ra: “A! Anh không cần phảI nói thế đâu!”
Sau cuộc tranh luận, Mary cảm thấy hẫng hụt nhiều hơn sau một ngày căng thẳng như thế, trong khi cô muốn đi tìm sự chia sẻ ở người bạn đời. Còn Tom thì cũng thấy chán nản bởi không hiểu đã xảy ra chuyện gì, cho dù anh đã không thành công khi cố đưa ra những gợi ý cho vợ.
Không hiểu rõ được các thói quen của người phụ nữ, Tom đã không hiểu được rằng anh chỉ cần lắng nghe mà không cần phải đưa ra bất kỳ giải pháp gì. Những gợi ý của anh chỉ làm nặng nề thêm vấn đề mà thôi. Bạn thấy đấy, những cô nàng sao Vệ nữ không bao giờ ngắt lời người khác để đưa ra các giải pháp. Họ cảm thấy rất tự hào và lắng nghe một cách chăm chú từ đâù đến cuối và tìm hiểu một cách rất nghiêm túc những tình cảm của ngườI nói chuyện.
Tom không biết rằng chỉ cần lắng nghe Mary nói về các suy nghĩ và tình cảm của cô ấy thôi, anh đã giúp cô ấy cảm thấy được chia sẻ, và sẽ thấy hài lòng về điều đó. Sau khi Tom hiểu được những thói quen của vợ, và hiểu được “nhu cầu phảI nói nhiều” của phụ nữ, anh dần dần hiểu được cách lắng nghe.
Và giờ đây, khi Mary trở về sau một ngày bận rộn, cuộc đốI thoạI của họ đã thay đổI hoàn toàn dáng vẻ.
Ví dụ như:
Mary sẽ nói: “Đúng là nhiều việc thật, em chẳng có lúc nào để thở cả”.
RồI Tom, hít một hơi, thư giãn một chút trước khi bắt đầu và rồI anh nói vớI giọng thật thông cảm: “ưm……em chắc mệt lắm sau một ngày vất vả như thế?”
Mary nói thêm: “Họ muốn em thay đổI vào phút cuốI, em chẳng biết nên làm gì nữa”.
Ngừng một chút, Tom nói vớI giọng thông cảm: “Thế à!”
Mary lại tiếp: “Thậm chí em còn quên mất không gọI điện cho dì nữa”.
Tom nhăn trán nói: “TạI sao thể?”
Và Mary trả lờI: “Dì ấy rất cần em lúc này. Nhưng lạI không có thờI gian”
Và thế rồI Tom nói vớI Mary: “Nhưng thực ra tình cảm của em dành cho mọI người là rất nhiều mà. Nào, hãy để anh ôm em một chút nào!”.
Sau một vài giây trong vòng tay của chồng, dường như Mary cảm thấy được an ủI và cô nói vớI Tom : “Dù sao cũng may là em còn có anh để nói chuyện. Cám ơn anh đã lắng nghe em! Em thấy khá hơn rồI”.
Không chỉ có Mary mà cả Tom cũng cảm thấy khá hơn.
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Chương 3
Người đàn ông thu mình về hang và người đàn bà ngồi thao thao
Một sự khác nhau cơ bản giữa người đàn ông và người đàn bà chính là cách phản ứng với stress. Trong khi người đàn ông có xu hướng tập trung lại, tự thu mình lại thì người đàn bà lại trở nên dễ bị dồn nén và xúc động hơn. Vào thời điểm đó, những gì người đàn ông cần để cảm thấy thoải mái hơn lại khác hẳn với những điều mà người đàn bà cần đến. Người đàn ông sẽ cảm thấy thoải mái hơn khi anh ta giải quyết được vấn đề, trong khi người đàn bà chỉ cần được nói đến vấn đề đó. Nếu không hiểu được và không chấp nhận sự khác nhau này, sẽ xuất hiện những mối va chạm trong quan hệ. Chúng ta nhìn thấy rất nhiều ví dụ trong cuộc sống hàng ngày.
Khi Tom đi làm về, anh ta chỉ đơn giản muốn được nghỉ ngơi bằng cách yên lặng đọc báo. Bản thân anh ta rất căng thẳng bởi vấn đề liên quan tới công việc vẫn chưa có một giải pháp, nhưng anh ta cần tìm cách quên đi.
Còn Mary, vợ của Tom cũng muốn được nghỉ ngơi sau một ngày làm việc căng thẳng. Tuy vậy, cô lại cảm thẩy thoải mái hơn nếu được nói chuyện về những vấn đề gặp phải. Và thể là sự căng thẳng sẽ chất lại cùng với bao uất ức.
Tom thì thấy Mary nói quá nhiều, trong khi Mary lại thấy bị bỏ rơi. Và càng ngày họ càng tách xa nhau chỉ do thiếu hiểu biết về những khác biệt giữa hai giới.
Bạn thấy đấy, tình huống này chỉ là một trong những rất nhiều ví dụ về mâu thuẫn giữa các cặp vợ chồng. Đó không chỉ là vấn đề của riêng Mary và Tom, mà nó tồn tại trong hầu hết các mối quan hệ lứa đôi.
Tình yêu không phải là giải pháp đảm bảo cho những xung đột kiểu này, mà phải cần tới mức độ hiểu biết về người khác giới.
Không biết rằng người đàn bà thường cần nói nhiều để cảm thấy thoải mái, Tom sẽ lại tiếp tục nghĩ rằng Mary thật lắm mồm và không chú ý lắng nghe vợ mình. Và ngược lại, cũng không hiểu được nhu cầu được yên lặng đọc báo là cách để tự giải toả khỏi căng thẳng của Tom. Mary sẽ thấy bị ruồng bỏ và thiếu sự quan tâm. Và như thế, cô sẽ tìm cách nói để bắt Tom trả lời trong khi anh ta không hề muốn.
Để dung hoà cách cư xử khác nhau này, trước hết hãy thiết lập một cách cụ thể cách mà người đàn bà và người đàn ông phản ứng với stress. Và để thu được những gợi ý thật có ích hơn, chúng ta sẽ tìm hiểu thêm cách sống của các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng Vệ nữ.
Phản ứng với stress của các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng Vệ nữ
Khi một chàng trai sao Hoả bị rơi vào tình trạng rối loạn, anh ta không bao giờ nói ra với bất kỳ ai về điều mà anh ta lo lắng. Anh ta không bao giờ muốn dồn lo lắng sang một anh chàng khác với những vấn đề của mình, trừ phi anh ta cần sự giúp đỡ của người bạn đó để có thể giải quyết được vấn đề đó. Anh ta sẽ có xu hướng tự thu mình vào vỏ ốc của mình nhiều hơn để có thời gian nghĩ về công việc và cách giải quyết. Và cuối cùng, anh ta cũng có thể thở phào sung sướng vì tìm được cách giải quyết nhanh chóng.
Nếu anh ta không thể tìm được giải pháp thích hợp nào, anh ta sẽ tập trung tinh thần vào một việc khác để quên đi rắc rối kia. Ví dụ như anh ta có thể đi chơi hoặc đọc báo. Nhờ giải thoát tinh thần để tránh đưa mình vào ngõ cụt bế tắc, anh ta dần dần cảm thấy thư giãn. Nếu như vấn đề là căng thẳng quá, anh ta cần phải làm một việc gì cần sự tập trung cao hơn như đua xe, thi đấu thể thao, leo núi... để có thể buông xuôi được rắc rối kia.
Để cảm thấy thoải mái hơn, các chàng trai thường thu mình lại để có thể suy nghĩ và tự giải quyết vấn để một mình.
Còn khi một cô nàng Vệ nữ bị đảo lộn hay căng thẳng sau một ngày làm việc, cô ta sẽ đi tìm một người bạn đủ tin cậy để có thể chia sẻ đầy đủ mọi chi tiết của tất cả các vấn đề xảy ra trong ngày. Nhờ chia sẻ các cảm giác đè nặng không thể chịu đựng được đó với một cô nàng khác, cô nàng sẽ cảm thấy tốt hơn rất nhiều. Đó là cách mà các cô nàng Vệ nữ làm khi căng thẳng.
Để cảm thấy thoải mái hơn, các cô nàng thường tụ tập lại và nói chuyện một cách cởi mở về vấn đề của mình.
Đối với các cô nàng, chia sẻ các vấn đề với một người khác, đó chính là một dấu hiệu của tình yêu và sự tin cậy, chứ không phải là gánh nặng. Các cô nàng không cảm thấy ngượng khi có nỗi buồn bực. Cái tôi cá nhân của các cô nàng không phải là dựa trên một vẻ ngoài có năng lực mà là dựa trên khả năng thiết lập các mối quan hệ cá nhân với người khác. Họ không có bao giờ ngập ngừng khi phải thao thao về cảm giác bất lực, sự nhầm lẫn, sự thất vọng hay sự kiệt sức.
Một cô nàng sẽ cảm thấy hài lòng với bản thân khi cô ta có những người bạn gái yêu quý mình để chia sẻ niềm vui và nối buồn. Một anh chàng sẽ cảm thấy thoải mái nếu anh ta có thể tự bản thân giải quyết được vấn đề, bằng cách của mình. Đó là những điều luôn rất hiệu lực trên trái Đất ngày nay.
Sự khuây khoả khi được ở sâu tận cùng trong hang
Trước một sự căng thẳng cao độ, người đàn ông thu mình lại vào lãnh địa tinh thần của mình và tập trung để giải quyết vấn đề. Anh ta thường chọn cách tấn công trước hết vào nỗi buồn quan trọng và nghiêm trọng nhất. Anh ta trở nên thực sự bị ám ảnh bởi nhu cầu tìm ra giải pháp nên lúc đó anh ta quên hết tất cả những gì ở xung quanh, tất cả những mối quan tâm khác và lúc đó trách nhiệm đối với những việc khác chỉ là ở hàng thứ yếu.
Vào những thời điểm đó, anh ta sẽ trở nên xa cách hơn, kín đáo, thờ ơ, bận rộn và đương nhiên không thể có khả năng giao tiếp tương đồng với người bạn đời của mình. Chẳng hạn như trong một cuộc đối thoại trong gia đình, dường như chỉ có 5% hoạt động trí óc của anh ta là dành cho mối quan hệ đó, còn lại 95% kia thì vẫn đang nằm ở cơ quan.
Anh ta không thể tập trung tinh thần vào những việc khác bởi việc tìm cách giải quyết khó khăn đã chiếm hết toàn bộ tâm trí. Anh ta càng bị căng thẳng, anh ta càng bị cuốn hút vào việc suy nghĩ. Những lúc như thế, anh ta thực sự mất đi khả năng quan tâm và yêu thương vợ như thói quen hàng ngày. Tinh thần bị dồn nén và anh ta không thoát ra khỏi tình trạng đó. Tuy nhiên, khi xuất hiện được một giải pháp, anh ta tức thời cảm thấy được giải thoát. Anh ta sẽ chui ra khỏi hang và trở lại sẵn sàng với cuộc sống lứa đôi như bình thường.
Tuy nhiên, khi vẫn chưa tìm được giải pháp cần thiết, họ vẫn tự nhốt mình trong hang. Để tự tạo cảm giác không bị gò bó, họ tự cho phép mình giải quyết từng vẫn đề nhỏ một, như việc đọc báo, xem tivi, lái xe, tập thể thao, xem bóng đá, chơi tenis và cứ như thế. Bất kỳ hoạt động nào mà chỉ yêu cầu tới 5% khả năng trí óc để thành công cũng có thể giúp cho họ quên đi những rắc rối tức thời và cứu nguy họ về mặt tinh thần. Và ngày hôm sau, họ có thể quay trở lại giải quyết vấn đề một cách thành công.
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Chương 4 : Làm cách nào để hấp dẫn người bạn đời của mình

Trước khi gặp gỡ nhau, các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng sao Vệ nữ đều cảm thấy rất hạnh phúc ở hai hành tinh riêng biệt trong nhiều thế kỷ. Và bỗng một ngày, mọi việc đều thay đổi. Cả các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng sao Vệ nữ đều cảm thấy căng thẳng, ngay trên hành tinh của chính họ. Và đương nhiên, chính những căng thẳng dồn nén đó đã đẩy họ đến với nhau.

Sự hiểu biết về những bí mật của những trao đổi giữa hai giới có thể giúp chúng ta hiểu được mục đích của người đàn ông và người đàn bà là khác nhau như thế nào. Hiểu biết mới mẻ này sẽ giúp cho chúng ta hỗ trợ về mặt tinh thần cho người bạn đời, và cũng là để nhận biết được sự hỗ trợ tinh thần từ phía người kia tại những thời điểm khó khăn và căng thẳng. Chúng ta hãy quay ngược thời gian lại và tưởng tượng ra những gì chúng ta đã chứng kiến xảy ra.

Khi các chàng trai sao Hoả cảm thấy xuống tinh thần, tất cả cư dân của Hoả tinh sẽ tự nhốt mình vào trong hang của mình trong một thời gian dài. Họ không ra ngoài cho tới khi một trong số đó quan sát thấy các cô nàng Vệ nữ qua ống kính thiên văn. Kẻ may mắn đó đã chia sẻ dụng cụ và hình ảnh định mệnh đó với đồng hương của mình. Rất nhanh sau đó, các chàng trai sao Hoả cảm thấy thích thú, và sự suy sụp tinh thần tự dưng biến mất một cách kỳ lạ. Bỗng nhiên, họ cảm thấy cần tới những con người lạ kia. Họ quyết định rời khỏi hang của mình và bắt đầu xây dựng một hạm đội phi thuyền không gian để bay về phía sao Vệ nữ.

Mặt khác, khi các cô nàng Vệ nữ cảm thấy suy sụp tinh thần, họ tụ hợp nhau lại thành từng nhóm nhỏ và họ bắt đầu chia sẻ với nhau những cảm giác và kể lể cho nhau những vấn đề riêng tư của bản thân. Những tất cả những điều đó vẫn chưa đủ để làm họ cảm thấy hệt mệt mỏi. Họ tiếp tục cảm thấy ủ rột, chán nản trong một thời gian dài, cho tới khi bản năng chỉ cho họ thấy một hình ảnh làm họ cảm thấy thích thú. Những sinh vật có quyền lực và đẹp đẽ (Các chàng trai sao Hoả) đến từ không gian để yêu thương họ, phục vụ họ và giúp đỡ họ. Và vì thế, các cô gái cảm thấy rất hài lòng. Dần dần càng chia sẻ các ý niệm, các thất vọng, chản nản, họ càng cảm thấy thoải mái hơn, và họ bắt đầu cảm thấy cần phải chuẩn bị một cách vui vẻ để tiếp đón các chàng trai sao Hoả trên hành tinh của mình.

Người đàn ông thường cảm thấy thôi thúc và cảm thấy thuộc về mình - muốn sở hữu các moyens khi họ thấy người khác cần tới họ.
Người đàn bà lại cảm thấy thôi thúc và muốn sở hữu khi họ biết là mình được người khác yêu thương.

Những bí mật về sự thu hút, thôi thúc luôn có thể được ứng dụng ở mọi lúc. Những người đàn ông cảm thấy có động cơ thúc đẩy và tràn đầy cảm giác sở hữu khi họ cảm thấy chúng ta cần tới họ. Ngược lại, trong mối quan hệ lứa đôi, khi người đàn ông cảm thấy người bạn đời của mình không cần tới mình nữa, anh ta sẽ trở nên thụ động và mất đi nhiệt huyết của mình, Mặt khác, khi anh ta nhận thấy là người bạn đời của mình biết rằng anh ta đang làm hết sức để có thể thoả mãn những nhu cầu của cô ta, và tất cả những cố gắng đó được ghi nhận, anh ta sẽ tràn đầy nhiệt huyết và cố gắng tìm cách xây dựng tới mức tối đa mối quan hệ đó.

Cũng như các cô nàng Vệ nữ, người phụ nữ cảm thấy thích thú và cảm thấy ham muốn sở hữu khi họ cảm thấy người ta yêu thương họ. Khi một người phụ nữ không còn được người bạn đời đánh giá cao nữa, cô nàng sẽ ngày càng cảm thấy, một cách cưỡng bức, thất bại và kiệt sức vì suy nghĩ đã hy sinh quá nhiều. Ngược lại, nếu cô ta cảm thấy được cưng chiều, chăm chút và được tôn trọng, cô nàng sẽ cảm thầy đầy đủ và có thể cô ta cũng sẽ càng cố gắng hơn để xây dựng mối quan hệ lứa đôi
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Khi người đàn ông yêu người đàn bà

Sự thăng hoa trong tình yêu của người đàn ông là tương tự với những gì xảy ra đối với anh chàng sao Hoả đầu tiên khi anh ta phát hiện ra các cô nàng Vệ nữ. Từ trong hang của mình, anh ta quan sát bầu trời nhờ kính viễn vọng trong khi đang tìm cách giải quyết khó khăn của mình. Ngay khi thoáng thấy các cô nàng Vệ nữ, giống như một tia chớp loé lên, cuộc sống của anh ta đã thay đổi hoàn toàn chỉ sau một khoảng khắc thật ngắn ngủi. Qua kính viễn vọng, anh ta đã thấy được hình ảnh tượng trưng cho cái đẹp và sự duyên dáng.

Đó chính là hình ảnh của các cô nàng Vệ nữ mà anh ta đã nhìn thấy qua kính viễn vọng. Vào lúc đó, anh ta cảm thấy rạo rực. Lần đầu tiên trong đời, anh ta cảm thấy thật ngưỡng mộ những nữ thần mà mình nhìn thấy qua kính viễn vọng, anh ta cảm thấy muốn yêu thương và chăm chút cho một người khác hơn là chính bản thân anh ta. Chỉ đơn giản là một cái nhìn mà cuộc sống sau đó của anh ta đã thay đổi. Sự chán nản của anh ta đã biến mất hoàn toàn.

Có một triết gia đặc biệt của các chàng trai sao Hoả chuyên nói về vấn đề chiến thắng và thất bại đã giải thích bằng câu nói: «Chừng nào tôi muốn chiến thắng thì phải mặc kệ và kẻ khác phải thất bại ». Chừng nào các chàng trai sao Hoả còn muốn tự lo cho chính bản thân mình, công thức này là vẫn còn đúng. Nhưng hiện nay, mặc dù vai trò đó đã tồn tại hàng trăm năm, nhưng đã đến lúc thay đổi thời thế. Các anh chàng không còn cảm thấy hài lòng khi tự mình chăm sóc cho mình nữa. Cảm thấy đang yêu, họ mơ ước rằng các cô nàng Vệ nữ cũng là người chiến thắng, nghĩa là những cô nàng Vệ nữ cũng sẽ nhận được những gì họ có.

Vào thời đại của chúng ta, con người đã tìm ra một cách đối chiếu các mật mã trong cạnh tranh của các chàng trai sao Hoả trong phần lớn các môn thể thao. Chẳng hạn như, trong môn tenis, điều hiển nhiên là ta ham muốn chiến thắng nhưng nếu ta cũng sẽ cố gắng làm đối thủ thất bại bằng cách làm anh ta phải khó khăn để đáp lại được các cú ra bóng. Và tất nhiên, ta sẽ rất vui vẻ gặm nhấm niềm vui đó, ngay cả khi là anh bạn kia đã thua, còn ta thì lại thắng.

Phần lớn thái độ của các chàng trai sao Hoả có thể có một số ích lợi trong xã hội, trong trường hợp ứng xử áp đặt cho sự mã hoá chiến thắng hay thất bại này, đôi lúc, chúng lại có thể làm tồi đi mối quan hệ của người đã trưởng thành. Nếu như ta cố làm thoả mãn những nhu cầu của chính bản thân mình nhưng lại làm tổn hại tới người bạn đời của mình, một điều không thể tránh khỏi đó là chúng ta cũng sẽ không thể thấy hạnh phúc, từ đó mối oán hận giữa hai người sẽ hình thành và xung đột sẽ càng trở nên phức tạp. Trong tình yêu, cũng như trong mọi khía cạnh khác của cuộc sống, bí mật của cuộc sống lứa đôi đó chính là biết cách làm cho cả hai bên cùng đạt được thành công (thắng lợi).
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Tình yêu chắp cánh cho các chàng trai sao Hoả Các chàng trai sao Hoả bắt tay vào việc xây dựng một hạm đội phi thuyền để vượt không gian tới thăm các cô nàng Vệ nữ. Chưa bao giờ họ cảm thấy hứng thú đến thế. Từ khi phát hiện ra các cô nàng Vệ nữ, lần đầu tiên trong đời, họ bắt đầu có những cảm giác thật vị tha.
Chính khi yêu mà, một người đàn ông sẽ cảm thấy tình cảm và mục đích sống là thăng hoa nhất, và họ sẵn sàng hy sinh tất cả cho người kia. Vì thế, khi trái tim của họ được trao, họ tin tưởng vào chính bản thân rằng họ có khả năng thay đổi tất cả. Và chỉ cần có một cơ hội để chứng tỏ, anh ta sẽ thể hiện hết khả năng của mình. Và tất nhiên, trừ phi anh ta cảm thấy không thể thành công, anh ta sẽ lùi bước, và thế là anh ta sẽ quay trở lại với những thói quen cũ và thói ích kỷ tầm thường cố hữu.

Khi có cơ hội chứng tỏ bản thân, người đàn ông sẽ làm hết sức mình. Chỉ khi anh ta cảm thấy không thể thành công, anh ta sẽ rút lui và quay lại với những thói quen cũ và trở lại là một con người ích kỷ.
Khi một người đàn ông yêu, anh ta luôn mong muốn mọi việc đối với người kia tốt như đối với mình. Và như thể, anh ta bỗng nhiên vượt ra khỏi sự ích kỷ và không còn chỉ nghĩ cho bản thân nữa mà trở nên sẵn lòng làm người khác vui vẻ, hài lòng. Sự vui vẻ của người bạn đời chiếm vai trò quan trọng không kém gì sự hào lòng của chính bản thân anh ta. Anh ta cũng có thể hy sinh nhiều hơn để làm người bạn đời thấy sung sướng vì anh ta cảm thấy vui khi làm việc đó. Những cố gắng đó sẽ trở nên nhẹ nhàng hơn và chính nhờ những niềm vui đã giúp anh ta như được mọc thêm cánh.
Ngay cả trong thời trai trẻ, người đàn ông vẫn cảm thấy hài lòng khi đạt được tình yêu, nhưng sự tự làm hài lòng đó sẽ không tồn tại được lâu. Từ lúc đó, để cảm thấy thực sự hài lòng, cuộc sống của anh ta phải được kích thích bởi tình yêu. Cảm hứng được trao và sự nhiệt tình của lòng vị tha giải phóng anh ta ra khỏi sự tính bảo thủ mà trước đó, anh ta tự gắn mình vào với sự ham muốn tự hài lòng mà không băn khoăn tới người khác. Và tất nhiên, anh ta cũng không nghĩ tới nhu cầu được yêu thương, bởi lẽ nhu cầu yêu đã ngự trị nhiều hơn.
Phần lớn đàn ông không phải chỉ đơn thuần là một kẻ đói tình yêu, họ thực sự khát khao tình yêu. Vấn đề lớn nhất đối với họ là họ nhớ tới ai, họ yêu ai. Họ ít khi thấy được bố của mình trao tình cảm cho người mẹ để thoả mãn hoàn toàn những nhu cầu tình cảm của người mẹ. Vì thế, họ không có ý thức rằng người đàn ông có thể sẽ cảm thấy hài lòng nhất khi được trao tình cảm cho người khác giới. Khi người đàn ông thất bại trong mối quan hệ tình cảm, anh ta sẽ cảm thấy chán nản và tự giam mình vào trong hang. Anh ta không nghĩ tới người khác và cũng chả còn khả năng hiểu được tại sao anh ta lại suy sụp tinh thần đến thế.
Trong trường hợp đó, anh ta tự rút mình ra khỏi các mối quan hệ thân mật và cố thủ trong hang của mình. Anh ta sẽ tự dằn vặt những việc như vậy là nhằm mục đích gì và tại sao anh ta lại tiếp tục làm như thế. Anh ta không ý thức được rằng nếu anh ta làm người khác buồn, chính là do anh ta tự cảm thấy mình không còn có ích với họ. Điều đó cũng không có nghĩa là nếu có một ai đó cần anh ta, anh ta có thể thoát ra khỏi sự chán nản và trở lại sự hoạt bát bình thường.
Đó chính là cái chết êm ái đối với một người đàn ông nếu như anh ta không cảm thấy người khác cần đến mình nữa.
Khi một người đàn ông không có ham muốn tham gia vào cuộc sống của một người khác, anh ta sẽ thấy rất nặng nề để tiếp tục quan tâm tới cuộc sống riêng tư và các mối quan hệ với họ. Sẽ rất khó làm anh ta hoạt bát, thích thú nếu bản thân anh ra không mong muốn. Để tái hiện lại sự thăng hoa đó, cần làm anh ta cảm thấy cái gì đó mới mẻ chứng tỏ ta đáng giá cao anh ta, rằng ta chấp nhận anh ta và rằng ta rất tin tưởng vào anh ta.
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Khi người đàn bà yêu người đàn ông
Những gì xảy ra khi một người đàn bà yêu người đàn ông cũng tương tự với những gì xảy ra với các cô nàng Vệ nữ khi biết tin các chàng trai sao Hoả sẽ đến với họ. Họ cũng bắt đầu trở nên mơ mộng. Cô nàng nhìn thấy những chùm sáng tiếp đất, và một chàng trai trẻ cao lớn bước ra và ôm cô vào lòng. Người đàn ông này thật vững chãi và anh ta sẵn sàng che chở cho cô và mang lại những gì cô mong muốn.
Cảm hứng bởi sắc đẹp và nền văn hoá khác biệt của các cô nàng Vệ nữ, các chàng trai sao Hoả luôn chứng minh sự tận tuỵ, đức hy sinh của mình. Họ biết rằng, nếu không có ai để họ có thể hy sinh cho sức lực, sự mạnh mẽ và khả năng của bản thân thì tất cả sẽ trở nên vô nghĩa. Những kẻ ái mộ tuyệt vời này luôn cảm thấy nhẹ nhõm và tràn đầy sinh lực mỗi khi có dịp làm hài lòng hay phục vụ và thậm chí lấp đấy chỗ trống cho các cô nàng Vệ nữ. Tình yêu thật kỳ diệu làm sao!
Phản ứng của các cô nàng Vệ nữ là rất dễ lan truyền sang nhau, và tất cả đều thoát ra khỏi sự trầm cảm như một phép lạ. Nhưng những gì làm các cô nàng thay đổi nhất lại chính là nhờ niềm tin vào những chàng hoàng tử sẽ tới. Sự căng thẳng của các cô nàng Vệ nữ phụ thuộc nhiều vào sự cô đơn và sự hiu quạnh ở xung quanh. Vì thế, để thoát ra khỏi điều đó, họ chỉ cần có niềm tin rằng người có thể cứu thoát họ đang đến gần.
Phần lớn đàn ông không hề có một chút khái niệm về tầm quan trọng của việc một người đàn bà có cảm giác được an toàn khi có một người ở sát cạnh, Người đàn bà sẽ thấy hạnh phúc hơn khi cô ta biết rằng những mong muốn của mình sẽ được thoả mãn. Khi một người đàn bà bị rối loạn tâm trí, bực mình, nhầm lẫn, kiệt sức hay thậm chí mất hết hy vọng, những gì cô ta cần nhất chỉ là một người bạn đồng hành. Cô ta sẽ cần nhất cảm giác không bị cô đơn, bỏ rơi. Và tất nhiên, cô nàng cũng muốn được yêu thương và âu yếm.
Cảm giác tha thiết, sự thông cảm, lòng yêu mến và lòng trắc ẩn sẽ giúp cô nàng rất nhiều trong việc cảm nhận và nhận biết được sự ủng hộ của người đàn ông. Người đàn ông lại không hiểu được điều này bởi bản năng của các chàng trai sao Hoả luôn thúc đẩy họ rằng việc đơn độc đôi khi là giải pháp tốt nhất trong các tình huống khó khăn. Do đó, khi một người đàn ông gặp một người đàn bà bị rối loạn, theo thói quen, anh ta sẽ để cô nàng được yên tĩnh. Hoặc tệ hơn nữa, nếu anh ta vẫn quyết định ở lại bên cạnh cô nàng, anh ta sẽ chỉ làm rối loạn thêm cô nàng khi tìm cách giúp cô nàng giải quyết vấn đề. Anh ta không cảm nhận được bản năng về sự gần gũi một người thân thiết, sự riêng tư và sự chia sẻ là rất quan trọng đối với cô nàng. Tận sâu thẳm, những gì các cô nàng cần đó là một người biết lắng nghe.
Nhờ chia sẻ những cảm xúc của mình, các cô nàng sẽ lại khám phá ra rằng cô ta có quyền yêu và hài lòng về những mong ước đó. Sự hoài nghi và tính đa nghi sẽ biến mất. Sự căng thẳng dường như được giải thoát và cô nàng sẽ trở nên thoải mái, và sau đó, cô ta sẽ thấy rằng mình xứng đáng được yêu thương, rằng cô ta không cần phải chiến thắng tình yêu. Và rồi, cô nàng sẽ tự buông lỏng tinh thần và cho đi ít hơn nhưng mong muốn nhận được thật nhiều. Và các cô nàng biết rằng cô ta xứng đáng với điều đó.
…………….

[Stink]

Cuốn sách Men are from...nổi tiếng năm 98 là best seller của năm này. Hiện nay 2 quyển
- Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes : The Ultimate Guide to the Opposite Sex
- Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It
được 2 vợ chồng tâm lý học BARBARA PEASE, ALLAN PEASE xuất bản vào năm 2001 và nhanh chóng trở thành best seller ở nhiều nước. Nó giải thích sự khác nhau giữa đàn ông và đàn bà. Đọc cuốn này xong thì sẽ thấy dễ thông cảm hơn cho người khác phái... :D Hay hay lắm, bà con tìm đọc nhé!

[Motilium]

ở đâu???

[Liên ròm]

Thì chắc là ở các hiệu sách thôi thaont à vì Stink ở NN mà nên chỉ recommend sách thôi chứ chỗ nào thì ... :o

Còn nhiều nữa các mẹ à, ai muốn coi thêm thì tớ post lên cho - hoặc là S&N post tiếp vậy !!! :D

[Soc&Nhim]

Vốn liếng Stink cho có vậy thôi chị lienrom ơi. Nếu chị còn thì post lên dùm em nhé.

[Lan Hương 1978]

Chính xác Bí Quyết Hoà hợp trong tình yêu rồi. Em thấy tên tác giả là nhớ liền. Cuốn này em đã mua từ hồi còn sinh viên (cách đây chừng 6 năm rồi), đến bây giờ vẫn thấy còn tâm đắc, tuy nhiên chẳng hiểu AX nhà các mẹ thế nào chứ AX nhà em chẳng bao giờ thèm đụng đến, dù em đã nhiều lần mời mọc
Cuốn này do NXB Phụ nữ hoặc Tuổi trẻ gì đó xuất bản. Nhưng nếu không ai tìm được ngoài hiệu sách thì em sẵn lòng cho mượn để copy. Chỉ cần đến Capital Garden nhậu một bữa thôi :D

[lenka]

Quyển này em cũng có mua, đúng là hay lắm! Quyển xuất bản gần đây nhất lấy tên là: Đàn Ông Sao Hoả, Đàn Bà Sao Kim. Em thấy nhà sách nào cũng có bán đấy. Ở HCM, trên đường NTMK có rất nhiều nhà sách bán sách rẻ hơn giá bìa. Có 1 chỗ em hay đến bán rẻ hơn 30%, nhà sách Quỳnh Mai (đối diện nhà sách Minh Khai).

;)

[Stink]

Chị S&N ơi, hoá ra là em gửi cho chị cái bản này à? nếu mà đúng thế thì không phải post sang nữa đâu chị Liên ơi. Nó cùng một mẹ mà :D

[Đặng Minh Hằng]

Mẹ cháu cũng đang đi tìm cuốn sách đó đây, có mẹ nào tìm được thì ới cho mẹ cháu với, nếu ở trong SG thì gửi giúp ra cho mẹ cháu. Hôm trước mẹ cháu mất 1 buổi tối lang thang tìm mua mà không thấy. Đọc 1 đoạn mẹ S&N post lên thấy mê quá!

[Lily]

Chị Liên ơi mãi không thấy chị post nữa ạ? Vậy em làm hộ chị nhá.

Nhân đây có cả bản tiếng Anh luôn, mới đi xin xỏ được - cảm ơn em Mèo Hen của chị. Bạn nào thích thì vào hòm thư yahoo chung móc ra nhé :8: (hix thử chức năng upload lên wtt nhưng không được vì file lớn hơn hạn mức).
Bản này scan lại nên có 1 số lỗi, minor thôi, đọc vẫn hay :1:

[Lily]

Đây là đoạn nữa tiếp theo, và cũng là đoạn cuối vì người đó không tiếp tục dịch nữa. "Cùng một mẹ" đấy :1:

=================

Hãy học cách nhận

Thật đáng lo ngại nếu một người phụ nữ tự gắn mình vào các giới hạn và chấp nhận nhận nhiều hơn từ một người đàn ông. Khi rơi vào tình huống đó, cô nàng sẽ có suy nghĩ sợ hãi rằng khi dựa dẫm vào anh chàng rồi sẽ có lúc sau đó cô ta sẽ bị ruồng bỏ, bị đánh giá. Việc bị ruồng bỏ, việc bị đánh giá sai là một điều rất nặng nề với cô nàng bởi từ trong sâu thẳm, cô nàng sẽ tin một cách sai lầm rằng mình không xứng đáng được hưởng (nhận) nhiều hơn. Đó là một niềm tin đã chế ngự các cô nàng trong suốt thời thơ ấu, chính vì thế các cô nàng luôn phải kìm nén những cảm xúc, nhưng nhu cầu hay những mơ ước của mình.

Người phụ nữ đặc biệt dễ bị tổn thương với cảm xúc mang tính chất tiêu cực và sai lầm rằng cô ta không xứng đáng với việc người ta yêu thương mình. Và nếu trong thời thơ ấu của mình, cô nàng lại là nạn nhân hay nhân chứng của một sự lạm dụng, cô ta sẽ còn mãi trong nguy hiểm bởi cái suy nghĩ rằng cô ta không xứng đáng với tình yêu, và đối với cô ta sẽ còn khó khăn hơn nữa để có thể tự ý thức được giá trị của chính bản thân mình. Tận cùng trong sự vô thức đó, những cảm xúc đó làm cô nàng trở nên mất ý chí, sợ phải phụ thuộc và cô ta sẽ dễ dàng tin rằng cô ta sẽ không tìm được ai để nâng tựa mình.

Cũng chính vì sợ không có người nâng đỡ, chính người phụ nữ cũng có thể một cách vô thức đẩy ra xa sự giúp đỡ mà cô ta cần đến. Và khi người đàn ông thấy sự thiếu tin tưởng của cô ta, anh ta sẽ thấy bị ruồng bỏ và quay lưng lại. Cũng do bởi sự mất niềm tin và sự nghi ngờ, người phụ nữ sẽ bộc lộ những nhu cầu chính đáng của mình như một sự thiếu thốn đồng thời với việc truyền tải sự thiếu tin tưởng của mình. Và một cách kỳ lạ là nếu việc một người đàn bà cần tới một người đàn ông là quan trọng, thì anh ta cũng sẽ nhanh chóng cảm thấy thiếu kích thích trước một người bạn đời quá khổ sở.

Trong tình huống như vậy, người phụ nữ sẽ tượng tượng sai lầm về người đàn ông muốn tránh những nhu cầu và mong muốn của mình, và chính sự nghi ngờ và thiếu hy vọng của cô ta đã đẩy người đàn ông của mình ra xa. Vậy thì không có một hiểu biết nhất định về nhu cầu cần sự tin tưởng của người đàn ông, người phụ nữ sẽ rất khó có thể nhận ra và hiểu được sự khác nhau giữa «nhu cầu» và «sự nghèo khó».

«Nhu cầu» đối với một người phụ nữ đó là yêu cầu và tìm kiếm một cách thẳng thắn sự giúp đỡ của một người đàn ông trong một hoàn cảnh tin tưởng, mà tóm lại là trong khả năng của anh ta có thể. Với thái độ đó, người đàn ông sẽ cố gắng. Trong khi : « sự nghèo khó” của người phụ nữ đó là tìm kiếm một cách vô vọng sự giúp đỡ khi cô ta không có niềm tin vào khả năng có thể tìm ra người giúp. Chính điều này đẩy người đàn ông vào tình thể phải hiểu rằng cô ta đang tìm cách từ bỏ và không còn đánh giá cao anh ta nữa.

Đối với người phụ nữ, việc cần một người khác có thể là một điều ngu ngốc, sự thất vọng và từ bỏ, ngay cả khi ở một mức độ nhỏ nhất, cũng đặc biệt gây tổn thương cho cô ta. Điều đó sẽ còn thực sự kinh khủng và nặng nề nếu cô ta bị phụ thuộc rồi sau đó lại bị lờ đi, quên lãng và ruồng bỏ. Nhu cầu có một người khác ở bên sẽ đặt cô ta vào trong một vị thế dễ bị tổn thương. Nhưng sự thờ ơ và sự thất vọng còn làm cô ta tổn thương hơn nữa, và có thể dẫn tới có một niềm tin sai lầm vào việc cô ta không đáng được nhận sự quan tâm của người khác.

Hãy học cách cho

Nỗi lo lắng lớn nhất của người đàn ông đó là SỰ BẤT TÀI, hay chính xác hơn là không thể làm chủ được tình huống. Để bù đắp nỗi sợ hãi đó, anh ta sẽ tập trung mọi cố gắng vào sức mạnh và năng lực của mình. Thành công, hiệu quả và năng suất sẽ trở thành những điểm mà anh ta ưu tiên chú trọng hàng đầu. Trước khi phát hiện ra các cô nàng Vệ nữ, các chàng trai sao Hoả thực sự bận rộn với những mục tiêu mà anh ta cảm thấy quan trọng hơn bất kỳ người nào hoặc cũng có thể anh ta chả quan tâm tới cái gì cả. Và đó cũng chính là lúc anh ta bắt đầu cảm thấy bị tê liệt bởi nỗi lo sợ rằng con người có vẻ là loài dửng dưng nhất.

Cũng như những người đàn bà, sợ phải NHẬN, người đàn ông lại sợ phải CHO. Đối với người đàn ông, việc dấn thân vào tình trạng CHO sẽ có một nguy cơ gặp chống đối và thất bại khá cao. Những hậu quả mà anh ta cảm thấy sẽ còn nặng nề hơn bởi anh ta luôn có một niềm tin sai lầm rằng anh ta không còn làm chủ được tình huống nữa. Niềm tin đó đã hình thành từ khi anh ta còn là một đứa trẻ và được củng cố thêm sau mỗi lần anh ta cảm thấy mọi người chờ đợi những gì anh ta làm phải luôn tốt hơn trước. Khi hiệu suất của công việc anh ta thực hiện không được ai để ý đến nữa hoặc không còn được đánh giá cao nữa, lương tâm của anh ta sẽ khẳng định cho anh ta về nỗi sợ hãi đó là có cơ sở, rằng anh ta không làm chủ được tình huống.

Trước niềm tin nội tại là mình chưa thực sự xứng đáng, người đàn ông đặc biệt dễ bị tổn thương. Anh ta rất muốn CHO nhưng anh ta lại sợ bị thất bại, chính vì thế, anh ta thậm chí không dám thử. Và chừng nào anh ta còn lo lắng về sự bất tài đó, anh ta sẽ tránh xa tất cả mọi nguy cơ vô ích.

Một điều kỳ lạ là nếu người đàn ông càng có suy nghĩ như thế, anh ta sẽ càng cảm thấy nỗi lo sợ tăng cao, và càng ngày cố gắng của anh ta đối với công việc đó càng giảm. Và thật là trớ trêu thay, để tránh hỏng việc, anh ta sẽ dừng ngay việc CHO đối với người mà anh ta thực sự muốn cho nhiều nhất.

Khi một người đàn ông phải chịu đựng một sự bất an, có thể anh ta sẽ bù đắp sự bất an đó bằng cách không quan tâm tới bất kỳ ai khác ngoài bản thân mình. Phản ứng tự bảo vệ một cách tự nhiên nhất đó là trả lời rằng “ Tôi không cần, tôi không quan tâm”.
Và chính vì thế, các chàng trai sao Hoả sẽ rơi vào tình trạng không quan tâm quá mức tới bất kỳ ai nữa. Khi đạt được thành công và có được sức mạnh, cuối cùng các chàng trai cũng đã hiểu được rằng họ làm chủ được tình huống và họ có đủ khả năng để CHO. Và rồi, đó là lúc họ đã tìm thấy các cô nàng Vệ nữ.

Cho dù các chàng trai luôn làm chủ tình huống, nhưng khả năng chứng tỏ được quyền lực của mình mới là cái mà giúp họ vượt qua được lòng tự ái. Cùng với việc thưởng thức hương vị của sự thành công và phân tích lại những gì đã trải qua, các anh chàng sẽ tự mình hiểu ra rằng các thất bại của mình trong quá khứ đều là những yếu tố cần thiết đóng góp cho thành công mà họ đang theo đuổi. Mỗi lỗi lầm mà anh ta trải qua cũng đều là những bài học quan trọng rất có ích cho các mục tiêu mới sắp đề ra. Vì thế, các anh chàng hiểu rằng, họ luôn làm chủ được tình huống.

Ai chả có lúc mắc sai lầm

Bước đầu tiên giúp người đàn ông đạt tới việc hiểu cách CHO đi nhiều hơn đó là hiểu được anh ra có quyền nhầm lẫn, được phép sai lầm và rằng anh ta không thể luôn tìm ra được mọi câu trả lời.

Tôi nhớ tới trường hợp của một phụ nữ phàn nàn về bạn trai của cô ta không bao giờ sẵn sàng làm đám cưới. Dường như anh chàng không quan tâm tới cô nàng bằng cô nàng quan tâm tới anh chàng. Tuy vậy, cuối cùng cô nàng đã thành công khi nói với anh chàng rằng cô ta rất hạnh phúc khi được sống với anh chàng. Và cho dù có phải sống trong nghèo khổ, cô ta cũng chỉ cần có anh ta ở bên cạnh. Ngay ngày hôm sau, họ đã đi đăng ký kết hôn. Thực chất, anh chàng đó chỉ cần được chứng minh rằng mình được chấp nhân và được nghe thấy cô nàng khẳng định rằng anh ta là cần thiết đối với cô ấy, trước khi phải nghĩ đến tầm quan trọng của cô nàng đối với anh ta trong cuộc sống.

Các chàng trai sao Hoả cũng cần được yêu

Cũng giống như khi người phụ nữ có thể có lúc cảm thấy bị ruồng bỏ, khi họ không còn được nhận sự quan tâm mà họ mong muốn, người đàn ông đôi lúc nhạy cảm quá mức với ý nghĩ rằng mình không được xứng đáng khi nghe người phụ nữ chê trách. Và vì thế, sẽ rất khó khăn đối với người đàn ông khi phải lắng nghe người phụ nữ nói về những vấn đề của họ. Anh chàng luôn muốn trở thành người anh hùng đối với người phụ nữ của mình. Khi cô ta cảm thấy bất hạnh hay thất vọng bởi một điều gì đó, anh ta sẽ có cảm giác mình đã thất bại. Sự thất vọng của một người phụ nữ sẽ khẳng định nỗi lo lớn nhất của người đàn ông, đó là không đủ khả năng để nâng tựa cho người phụ nữ của mình, và không thể làm chủ được hoàn cảnh. Ngày nay, vẫn có rất nhiều người phụ nữ không hiểu được tính dễ bị tổn thương của người đàn ông trên phương diện này, và nhu cầu cần tình yêu to lớn của người đàn ông đó. Thực ra sau tất cả, chính tình yêu có thể làm cho anh ta biết được rằng anh ta có khả năng thoả mãn được yêu cầu của người khác.

Một cậu bé sẽ rất hạnh phúc khi nhìn thấy bố của mình thành công trong việc đáp ứng được các yêu cầu của người mẹ, và khi lớn lên, khi bước vào cuộc sống lứa đôi với một niềm tin vững chắc rằng anh ta hoàn toàn có khả năng thoả mãn được các đòi hỏi của người bạn đời. Anh ta sẽ không cảm thấy sợ hãi khi dấn thân vào cuộc sống gia đình bởi anh ta hiểu rằng anh ta có thể đóng góp được sức mình một cách thật thích đáng. Anh ta cũng hiểu rằng cho dù anh ta không cống hiến 100% sức mình, nhưng anh ta cũng sẽ vẫn luôn ở vị trí cao nhất và xứng đáng với tình yêu, sự thán phục của người kia vì anh ta đã làm theo khả năng của mình. Anh ta sẽ không bao giờ cảm thấy có lỗi bởi anh ta biết rằng mình cũng không thể hoàn hảo, rằng anh ta luôn làm theo khả năng, và đôi khi anh ta cũng không thể thành công. Anh ta có thể xin lỗi về những sai sót của mình vì anh ta tin rằng người ta sẽ tha thứ cho anh ta, sẽ vẫn yêu thương anh ta và sẽ vẫn đánh giá cao vì anh ta cũng đã làm cố hết sức.

Anh ta hiểu được rằng mọi người đều có quyền sai lầm. Anh ta đã chứng kiến việc bố của mình mắc sai lầm và vẫn giữ vững được niềm tin vào bản thân. Anh ta đã nhìn thấy mẹ của mình tha thứ và luôn yêu thương bố của mình cho dù có những lúc sai lầm. Anh ta có được sự tự tin và sự động viên, ngay cả khi có những lúc mẹ của anh ta cũng có đôi chút thất vọng.

Nhưng bất hạnh thay, có rất nhiều người đàn ông không được ở trong hoàn cảnh như vậy trong gia đình. Đối với họ, việc tiếp tục yêu thương, làm đám cưới và xây dựng một gia đình cũng khó khăn y như là việc lái một chiếc máy bay mà không qua một trường lớp đào tạo nào. Nếu anh ta thành công trong việc làm máy bay cất cánh thì chắc chắn là anh ta sẽ bị nát vụn khi bay do va chạm vào đâu đó. Và cho dù có một chút may mắn nào đó, vẫn còn có thể có nhiều nghi ngờ rằng liệu anh ta có thể tiếp tục bay sau khi vừa va chạm hay sẽ lại còn có một vụ va chạm thứ hai nữa, và tình huống sẽ còn tệ hại hơn nếu anh ta đã từng chứng kiến sự thất bại của chuyến bay của bố mình lái. Và anh ta sẽ ứng dụng nó vào mối quan hệ lứa đôi của bản thân. Rất dễ dàng hiểu tại sao khi không có người hướng dẫn tốt, sẽ có rất nhiều người đàn ông và người phụ nữ sẽ từ bỏ mối quan hệ mà mình đang theo đuổi.

[Lily]

Chương 5: Sự khác biệt ngôn ngữ

Khi gặp gỡ nhau, các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng Vệ nữ cũng gặp phải một số rắc rối giống như những rắc rối mà chúng ta gặp phải ngày nay. Tuy nhiên, nhờ sự hiểu biết về sự khác nhau giữa hai giới mà họ đã có thể giải quyết được vấn đề một cách nhanh chóng. Một trong những bí quyết để có được thành công đó là hiểu được khi giao tiếp.

Một cách nực cười thay chỉ vì dùng ngôn ngữ khác nhau mà những cuộc giao tiếp giữa các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng Vệ nữ gặp trục trặc. Khi gặp khó khăn, họ sẽ tìm tới sự giúp đỡ của một người phiên dịch. Mọi người đều biết rằng ở sao Hoả và ở sao Vệ nữ, tồn tại hai ngôn ngữ khác nhau, và như thế để tránh được sự nhẫm lần tới mức tối đa, thay vì bắt đầu tranh luận và tức giận, họ sẽ dùng những cuốn từ điển để có thể hiểu được người kia định nói gì. Và nếu điều đó vẫn chưa đủ, họ sẽ viện đến một nhà phiên dịch.
Cho dù các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng Vệ nữ cùng sử dùng những từ ngữ khác nhau, nhưng ý nghĩa của chúng lại hoàn toàn khác nhau.

Thực ra, những từ ngữ mà các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng Vệ nữ sử dụng là giống nhau, nhưng cách thức dùng và việc sử dụng chúng trong mỗi ngữ cảnh khác nhau sẽ tạo nên những ý nghĩa khác nhau. Các từ ngữ đó thì là tương tự nhau, nhưng vì ngoài các nghĩa chính, chúng thường mang ý nghĩa mở rộng, hoặc với một sắc thái biểu lộ tình cảm và vì thế ý nghĩa của các từ ngữ đó được thay đổi theo hoàn cảnh. Và rất dễ bị nhầm lẫn. Vậy thì, nếu như ngay khi xảy ra rắc rối trong vấn đề giao tiếp, người ta có thể cho là đó chỉ là một sự hiểu nhầm thông thường, mà có thể bỏ qua được ngay chỉ cần một sự giúp đỡ nho nhỏ thì họ đã có thể đạt được mức độ tin tưởng lẫn nhau, là cái mà người ta khó có thể thấy được ở thời đại chúng ta.

Biểu lộ tình cảm hay đưa ra các thông tin

Người ta luôn cần có người phiên dịch cho tới ngày nay. Người đàn ông và người đàn bà hiếm khi sử dụng cùng một số từ ngữ giống nhau với mục đích để nói về cùng một điều. Ví dụ như, khi một người phụ nữ nói rằng “Em có cảm giác là anh chả bao giờ nghe em nói cả”, cô ta không muốn dùng từ “chả bao giờ” với nghĩa đen cả, mà thực ra cô ta muốn dùng một từ thật mạnh nhưng để diễn tả mức độ tổn thương của cô nàng tại thời điểm đó. Và từ đó không thể được dịch nghĩa như cách hiểu thông thường được.

Để diễn tả tình cảm mình một cách thật mạnh, người phụ nữ thường không ngần ngại dùng những từ ngữ ngoại lệ chỉ có trong văn thơ, các từ thậm xưng, các phép ẩn dụ và các từ nhiều nghĩa bóng.

Và bất hạnh thay, người đàn ông lại phiên dịch những từ ngữ đó theo đúng nghĩa đen của nó. Và vì họ không hiểu đúng được những từ mà người phụ nữ dùng, đôi khi họ sẽ phản ứng một cách rất mất lòng. Trong bảng dưới đây, tôi trình bày 10 câu phàn nàn của người phụ nữ thường bị người đàn ông hiểu nhầm nhất.

Những lời phàn nàn của người phụ nữ hay bị người đàn ông hiểu sai nhất

Khi người phụ nữ nói:

1. Chúng ta chả bao giờ đi chơi cả!
2. Chả ai quan tâm tới em cả!
3. Em thực sự mệt mỏi, tới mức em chả làm được gì nữa!
4. Em muốn quên đi tất cả mấy việc vớ vẩn đó!
5. Nhà lúc nào cũng bừa bãi!
6. Không còn có ai nghe tôi nữa rồi!
7. Chả có gì hay ho cả!
8. Anh không còn yêu em nữa!
9. Chúng ta lúc nào cũng bận rộn!
10. Em muốn là anh đối xử với em lãng mạn hơn kia!

Người đàn ông sẽ trả lời rằng:
1. Không phải là chúng ta vừa đi thứ 7 vừa rồi à.
2. Anh tin là vẫn có người chú ý tới em đấy.
3. Buồn cười thật, em chả ốm yếu chút nào đâu!
4. Nếu em không thích thì đừng làm nữa!
5. Em hãy nhìn xem, đâu phải lúc nào nhà cũng bừa!
6. Ô hay, em không thấy là anh đang nghe em à!
7. Chắc đó là lỗi của anh à!
8. Tất nhiên là anh yêu em chứ. Em không thấy là anh đang ở cạnh em à!
9. Không phải thế chứ, thứ 6 tuần trước mình chả rảnh rỗi còn gì!
10. Ý em nói là anh không lãng mạn à?

Hãy nhìn cách suy diễn «văn thơ» trong ngôn ngữ của người phụ nữ sẽ dễ dàng làm người đàn ông bị rối trí vì anh ta có thói quen sử dụng chính xác từ ngữ để diễn đạt sự việc và các thông tin. Người ta cũng thấy được cách người đàn ông trả lời việc sẽ có nguy cơ dẫn tới một cuộc đấu khẩu là chuyện đương nhiên. Những cuộc giao tiếp không rõ ràng và thiếu đi tình cảm thường là nguyên nhân chính dẫn tới các vấn đề của đôi lứa. Lời phàn nàn số một mà người phụ nữ thường nói với người bạn đời của mình là: «Em có cảm giác rằng anh không hiểu em». Và lời phàn nàn này thường bị hiểu sai hay bị suy diễn sai.

Tất nhiên là nếu hiểu một nghĩa đen của câu nói đo, người đàn ông sẽ thấy nghi ngờ tình cảm của người phụ nữ và bắt đầu tranh luận để bảo vệ mình. Anh ta sẽ bị thuyết phục bởi ý nghĩ đó bởi những gì cô nàng sẽ lặp đi lặp lại. Nhưng đối với người đàn ông có thể phiên dịch được đúng điều người phụ nữ muốn nói, anh ta sẽ hiểu rằng ý cô nàng là: «Em có cảm giác là anh không hiểu những gì em thực sự muốn nói với anh hay những gì em cảm thấy. Anh có thể ít nhất chứng minh cho em thấy rằng anh thực sự thích thú với những gì em nói không?»

Nếu người đàn ông thực sự hiểu được những gì người phụ nữ muốn phàn nàn, anh ta sẽ ít cảm thấy muốn tranh luận với cô nàng hơn, và anh ta có thể phản ứng một cách tích cực hơn. Khi một người đàn ông và một người đàn bà nằm trên ngưỡng của một cuộc đấu khẩu, thường là do họ không hiểu được nhau. Và vào lúc đó, cách sáng suốt nhất là nghĩ lại và giải nghĩa lại những gì mình nghe được từ người kia.

Cũng vì rất nhiều người đàn ông không hiểu được rằng người phụ nữ biểu lộ theo cách khác, và họ sẽ đánh giá sai và nghi ngờ tình cảm của người bạn đời. Và điều này dẫn tới cãi cọ. Những anh chàng sao Hoả lớn tuổi đã học được cách suy luận chính xác để tránh xung đột. Khi họ gặp phải tình huống mới vừa nghe những gì cô nàng nói đã cảm thấy muốn xù lông dựng cánh lên được thì họ sẽ tham khảo cuốn từ điển về những câu nói của các chàng trai sao Hoả và các cô nàng Vệ nữ để có thể hiểu được chính xác ý nghĩa của câu nói đó.

Khi các cô nàng lên tiếng

Bạn thấy đấy, khi một cô nàng Vệ nữ bị căng thẳng, cô ta sẽ không thể làm gì khác ngoài việc sử dụng cách nói chung chung và ẩn dụ,... Cô nàng cũng muốn tìm kiếm một nơi nương tựa nào đó. Tuy vậy, cô nàng lại không đề nghị một cách thẳng thắn bởi đó là thói quen trên sao Kim, mọi người luôn biết và hiểu rằng ngôn ngữ quan trọng hoá sẽ tất yếu bao hàm một yêu cầu đặc biệt.

Trong mỗi phần, yêu cầu được giúp đỡ nằm ẩn sau mỗi từ, bởi lẽ người đàn ông khi nghe những lời nói đó từ một người phụ nữ sẽ có thể nhận ra được yêu cầu núp trong đó và vì thế có thể phản ứng được đúng cách, và như thế, cô nàng sẽ cảm thấy anh ta lắng nghe mình thực sự và anh chàng rất yêu mình.

Khi người đàn ông im lặng

Một trong những thách thức lớn nhất của người đàn ông, đó là phiên dịch được chính xác và chịu đựng được người phụ nữ khi cô nàng bộc lộ ra ngoài những tình cảm của mình. Ngược lại, đối với một người phụ nữ, thách thức lớn nhất đó là chịu đựng và phiên dịch chính xác sự im lặng của người đàn ông. Chính sự im lặng đó đôi khi khiến các cô nàng nhầm lẫn trong việc phiên dịch ngôn ngữ của người phụ nữ.

Thường thì người đàn ông sẽ ngừng cuộc nói chuyện và giữ im lặng, đó là một thái độ khó hiểu đối với các cô nàng Vệ nữ. Điều đầu tiên có thể xảy ra đó là người phụ nữ sẽ nghĩ là người đàn ông trở nên «điếc». Cô nàng sẽ tin rằng anh chàng không phản ứng vì anh ta chả nghe cô ta nói nữa.

Cũng cần chú ý là có một sự khác nhau giữa cách suy nghĩ và xử lý thông tin nhận được của một người đàn ông và một người đàn bà. Người phụ nữ nghĩ hết thảy vào việc chia sẻ cách khám phá cuộc sống của mình với người mà cô ta chú ý. Ngay cả tới bây giờ, một người phụ nữ vẫn thường tìm những từ ngữ mạnh mẽ để diễn đạt những gì cô nàng muốn nói. Việc đó giống như cách giải phóng các ý nghĩ một cách thật thoải mái nhờ diễn đạt ở mức cao nhất, từ đó cho phép các cô nàng có thể hiểu được trực giác của mình. Điều này là hoàn toàn bình thường và đôi khi là đặc biệt cần thiết đối với các cô nàng.

Đối với người đàn ông, mọi việc lại hoàn toàn khác. Trước khi nói, anh ta thường suy nghĩ và «nghiền ngẫm» một cách yên lặng tất cả những gì anh ta đã nghe thấy hoặc đã trải qua. Ngay cả trước khi mở miệng, anh ta cũng tìm ra những câu trả lời tốt nhất mà anh ta có được. Và tiếp đó, anh chàng sẽ lại còn chế biến một cách kỹ càng câu nói của mình trong tâm trí trước khi phát ngôn ra. Giai đoạn đó sẽ kéo dài khoảng vài phút, hoặc thậm chí vài giờ. Và điều đó khiến người phụ nữ hoang mang, nhất là khi người đàn ông cảm thấy không có đủ dữ liệu để tìm ra một câu trả lời thích hợp, thì anh ta sẽ không bao giờ trả lời.

Người phụ nữ cần phải hiểu được rằng sự im lặng của người đàn ông chính là một câu trả lời: «Anh vẫn chưa biết trả lời thế nào nhưng anh đã suy nghĩ về điều đó». Nhưng thường thì các cô nàng sẽ hiểu về sự im lặng đó hàm chứa một thông điệp khác: «Anh không trả lời em vì em không đáng quan tâm lắm, và anh sẽ không quan tâm đâu. Những gì em nói với anh chả có gì quan trọng cả, đó là câu trả lời của anh đó».

Tại sao các cô nàng hay nói

Có hàng tỷ lý do khiến người phụ nữ hay nói. Đôi khi lý do khiến người phụ nữ nói cũng chính là những lý do khiến người đàn ông trở nên im lặng

Dưới đây là 4 lý do khiến cho người phụ nữ có thói quen nói nhiều:

1. Để hỏi hoặc đưa ra thông tin. (Đây cũng là lý do thường khiến người đàn ông nói)

2. Để khai thác hoặc khám phá ra những gì cô nàng muốn diễn đạt. (Trong khi các anh chàng thường im lặng để hiểu xem nên nói gì thì các cô nàng lại suy nghĩ nhờ nói ra).

3. Để không mất bình tĩnh và cảm thấy thoải mái hơn, khi cô nàng cảm thấy bị đảo lộn. (Các anh chàng thường ngừng nói khi có vấn đề, bởi vì ở trong hang của mình anh ta có thể tìm lại cách giữ bình tĩnh).

4. Để tạo ra sự thân mật. Nhờ việc chia sẻ các tình cảm của mình, và hơn hết là tình yêu, các cô nàng có thể hiểu rõ hơn giá trị đặc biệt là giá trị của tình yêu. (Các chàng trai sao Hoả ngừng nói để tìm lại chính bản thân mình vì anh ta sợ rằng nếu quá thân mật, anh ta sẽ đánh mất đi bản thân).

Thiếu những hiểu biết thực tế về những khác nhau và những nhu cầu của mình, sẽ rất dễ dàng xảy ra sự xung đột trong các mối quan hệ của đôi lứa.

Cùng nhau chia sẻ trách nhiệm

Để một cuộc trò chuyện diễn ra thật tốt, cần có sự hợp tác từ cả 2 phía. Người đàn ông có thể cố gắng nhắc nhở mình trong mỗi cuộc đối thoại một điều là vợ mình rất có thể sẽ phàn nàn về những vấn đề của cô nàng nhưng không hề nhằm vào mục đích chê trách gì mình, rằng cô nàng chỉ muốn trút nhẹ những bực dọc của mình nhờ cách nói chuyện với người khác. Và người phụ nữ có thể cũng có thể có gắng làm cho người đàn ông của mình biết rằng cho dù mình phàn nàn như vậy, nhưng đối với cô nàng, anh chàng vẫn luôn được đánh giá rất cao.

Chẳng hạn như, khi vợ tôi vừa đi làm về và hỏi tôi về nội dung của chương này, tôi đã trả lời nàng rằng: «Anh gần xong rồi, thế công việc trong ngày của em thế nào?»
Thế là cô nàng sẽ tuôn ra: «ôi, có bao nhiêu việc phải làm, mình chả có thời gian rảnh để ngồi nói chuyện với nhau nữa là». Nếu cô nàng nói như vậy vào một lúc khác, có lẽ tôi đã chuyển ngay sang trạng thái tự vệ và nhắc cho cô nàng nhớ ra rằng chúng tôi đã ở bên nhau những lúc nào, trong bao lâu. Hay tôi cũng có thể nhắc lại với cô nàng rằng việc hoàn thành cuốn sách đối với tôi lúc này quan trọng như thế nào. Nhưng dù thế nào đi nữa, nếu làm như vậy, tôi sẽ góp phần làm căng thẳng thêm cuộc nói chuyện mà thôi.

Nhưng thực tế là người đàn ông trong tôi hiện nay đã có ý thức về sự khác nhau giữa hai giới, và hiểu được rằng cái cô vợ tôi tìm kiếm đó là sự thông cảm và chia sẻ của người bạn đời hơn là một sự đánh giá hay một lời giải thích, và đặc biệt ẩn chứa trong những lời than phiền đó là nhu cầu được an ủi, dựa dẫm. Vì thế, tôi đã nói với cô nàng rằng: «Ừ, đúng là chúng mình bận thật. Nào, ngồi đây với anh một lúc để anh được ôm em thật chặt. Đúng là một ngày bận rộn».
Thế rồi, vợ tôi đáp lại: «Anh có vẻ hài lòng lắm thì phải?». Đó thực sự là điều quan trọng khi bạn cần phải thể hiện rằng mình rất sẵn lòng chia sẻ với cô nàng những nhu cầu băn khoăn của cô nàng. Và rồi có nàng sẽ luyên thuyên phàn nàn một lúc về ngày làm việc vất vả của mình và nhấn mạnh vào những cái làm cô nàng cảm thấy mệt mỏi nhất. Sau vài phút, cô nàng sẽ tự ngừng lại. Và rồi tôi gợi ý nàng đưa bác làm vườn về nhà để có nàng có thể được nghỉ ngơi và suy nghĩ lại một chút trước khi ăn tối.

Và như thế, cô nàng sẽ thốt lên vui sướng rằng «Anh sẽ đưa bác làm vườn về à? Thế cũng tốt! Cám ơn anh!». Và cho tới lúc đó, cô nàng vẫn làm tôi có cảm giác được đánh giá cao và sự đánh giá đó là cái tôi rất cần để có thể có được cảm giác mình là một người bạn đời tuyệt vời, ngay cả những khi vợ mình thấy mệt mỏi và thậm chí kiệt sức.

Người phụ nữ thường nghĩ cách biểu hiện sự đánh giá của mình bởi vì các cô nàng cho rằng qua cách người đàn ông của họ lắng nghe câu chuyện, cô nàng có thể biết được anh chàng yêu cô nàng tới mức nào. Nhưng tất nhiên, thường là các anh chàng không để ý đến điều đó! Khi cô nàng nói về các rắc rối, anh chàng sẽ cảm thấy nhu cầu cần được an ủi trên phương diện tình cảm và sự cần thiết của người vợ.

Người đàn ông bị tổn thương bởi những rắc rối, ít nhất là khi anh ta có thể tìm được một giải pháp. Bằng cách chứng minh được sự đánh giá cao của mình đối với chồng, người phụ nữ có thể đạt được mục đích làm cho người chồng của mình hiểu rằng chỉ đơn giản lắng nghe thôi, đó cũng là một cách để chứng minh sự giúp đỡ của người chồng đối với các cô nàng.

Người phụ nữ không có như cầu kìm nén các tình cảm của mình, hoặc thậm chí biến đổi những tình cảm đó cho để chịu đựng được người bạn đời của mình. Tuy nhiên, cô nàng cũng cần phải học cách biểu lộ tình cảm một cách sao cho anh chàng không cảm thấy bị tấn công, bị buộc tội hay bị khiển trách. Chỉ một vài thay đổi nhỏ cũng có thể mang lại sự khác biệt thật to lớn.

[Lily]

Điều chỉnh lại nghị lực và các mối quan tâm

Tôi nhớ lại thời gian mà tôi bắt đầu điều chỉnh lại nghị lực của mình trước những việc nhỏ nhặt. Khi chúng tôi mới cưới, Bonnie và tôi, tôi đã thực sự là một kẻ điên vì công việc. Ngoài việc viết sách và làm thuyết trình, tôi còn làm trợ giảng thêm 5 giờ trong 1 tuần. Năm đầu tiên chung sống, vợ tôi không ngừng nhắc tôi rằng cô cần tôi ở nhà nhiều hơn. Rồi càng ngày cô càng nhắc tới việc cô cảm thấy bị bỏ rơi và tổn thương.

Đôi khi, cô đã viết cho tôi những bức thư ngắn để diễn đạt tình cảm của mình. Đó là cái mà người ta thường gọi là thư tình. Những bức thư này luôn được kết thúc bằng tình cảm yêu đương nhưng trong đó còn có các những tình cảm giận dữ, buồn đau, sợ hãi và đau khổ. Chúng ta sẽ tìm hiểu kỹ hơn về các công thức và tầm quan trọng của những dạng thư tình này trong chương 11. Và dưới đây là một trong những bức thư tình mà vợ tôi đã viết cho tôi để phàn nàn về việc tôi đã bỏ quá nhiều thời gian cho công việc.

John yêu thương,

Em viết cho anh bức thư này để anh biết được phần nào cảm xúc của em. Em không có ý định nói với anh phải làm gì, đơn giản em chỉ muốn anh hiểu được những tình cảm của em thôi.
Em cảm thấy rất buồn khi anh tập trung quá nhiều thời gian vào tác phẩm đang viết. Em thấy thực sự thất vọng khi anh vắng nhà lâu, và em rất muốn anh ở bên em nhiều hơn nữa.

Em cảm thấy đau khổ vì em có cảm giác anh quan tâm tới khách hàng thậm chí hơn cả em, và em thấy rất buồn khi anh quá mệt mỏi sau mỗi ngày. Em nhớ anh nhiều lắm.

Em cũng có cảm giác sợ hãi là anh không còn muốn ở bên em nữa, em sợ sẽ trở thành một gánh nặng khác đối với anh. Em không muốn rằng anh nghĩ là em quấy rầy anh, nhưng em đã có ý nghĩ là những tình cảm của em không còn quan trọng đối với anh nữa.

Em thực sự xin lỗi nếu những dòng này làm anh tổn thương. Em biết rằng anh đã cố gắng hết sức, và em cũng hiểu được những vất cả mà anh phải trải qua.

Em vẫn yêu anh rất nhiều,
Bonnie của anh.

Sau khi hiểu được tình cảm ít được chăm sóc của vợ mình, tôi nhận ra rằng tôi thực sự đã quan tâm tới khách hàng của mình hơn cả vợ. Tôi đã chấp nhận dành cho khách hàng mọi ngoại lệ, và khi về nhà thì tôi đã hoàn toàn kiệt sức và quên mất đi mình còn có một người bạn đời cần quan tâm.

Khi một người đàn ông quan tâm quá mức tới công việc

Tôi không biết tới điều đó không phải vì tôi không yêu cô ấy, không phải vì cô ấy không thiết tha thực sự đối với tôi, nhưng chỉ vì tôi không còn gì để cho nữa. Tôi tin một cách ngây thơ rằng tôi làm những gì mà tôi có thể làm được tốt nhất bằng cách làm việc cật lực để duy trì một cuộc sống tốt nhất (có nhiều tiền hơn nữa để chi tiêu) cho gia đình. Nhưng khi tôi hiểu ra được những suy nghĩ của cô nàng, ngay lập tức tôi phải rút ra một kế hoạch khác để loại bỏ những vướng mắc sinh ra trong nội bộ gia đình.

Thay vì tiếp tận 8 khách hàng trong một ngày, tôi giảm xuống còn 7 và tôi coi như vợ mình chính là người khách thứ 8. Tôi trở về nhà sớm hơn 1 giờ và tôi thuyết phục mình rằng chính vợ mình mới là người khách quan trọng nhất, và tôi dành cho nàng sự quan tâm thực sự và đặc biệt hơn cả so với những khách hàng khác. Ngay lúc đặt chân vào nhà, tôi đã bắt tay vào làm những việc nhỏ nhặt để giúp nàng, và thành công của kế hoạch của tôi không bắt tôi phải chờ đợi lâu. Không chỉ có nàng cảm thấy hạnh phúc hơn mà ngay cả tôi cũng cảm thấy hạnh phúc hơn.

Dần dần tôi cảm thấy được yêu nhờ những gì tôi làm cho vợ và gia đình, tôi cảm thấy cảm giác thôi thúc “thành công bằng mọi giá” giảm dần. Tôi giảm dần nhịp độ công việc và trước sự ngạc nhiên của tôi, không chỉ quan hệ của chúng tôi tái sinh nhưng tôi cũng cảm thấy thành công trong cả công việc, thu được nhiều thành công hơn mặc dù không nhất thiết phải làm việc cật lực quá.

Tôi phát hiện ra rằng khi tôi tự tin vào bản thân ngay ở trong căn nhà của mình, điều này sẽ phản chiếu vào công việc. Tôi cũng đã hiểu ra rằng sự thành công trong công việc chuyên môn không chỉ đơn thuần là công việc, nó còn phụ thuộc vào khả năng truyền cảm sự tự tin cho người khác. Khi tôi cảm thấy được gia đình yêu thương, tôi không chỉ tin tưởng hơn vào bản thân mà cả vào người khác cũng có nhiều niềm tin hơn vào tôi và đánh giá tôi cao hơn.

[ME BINGO]

Mẹ cháu cũng đang đi tìm cuốn sách đó đây, có mẹ nào tìm được thì ới cho mẹ cháu với, nếu ở trong SG thì gửi giúp ra cho mẹ cháu. Hôm trước mẹ cháu mất 1 buổi tối lang thang tìm mua mà không thấy. Đọc 1 đoạn mẹ S&N post lên thấy mê quá!
-----------------
Không biết mẹ cháu có còn quan tâm đến cuốn sách này không. Mẹ Bingo biết cuốn này đã được dịch ra tiếng Việt với tựa đề là "Làm sao để thuận vợ thuận chồng" do Nhà Xuất bản Trẻ phát hành. Sách có bán ở nhà sách Tiền Phong Hà nội, không biết hiện giờ có còn không. Ở Sài gòn có lẽ có nhiều hơn. Thử xem nhé.

[shimizu]

Em rất thích cuốn sách này, ngày nó đang là best seller tìm mãi ở VN chẳng thấy bán, anh nhà em lọ mọ trên ebay load được về, in ra thành một quyển dày cộp. Chị nào thích đọc bằng tiếng Anh em sẽ send cho một bản ạ.

[Me Tiu]

Em đã đọc cuốn sách này rồi, cả tiếng Việt lẫn tiếng Anh và em đang có cả 2 cuốn. Cuốn tiếng Việt có tên là: "Đàn ông sao Hoả, đàn bà sao Kim" hiện đang có bán rất nhiều ở các hiệu sách ở Tràng Tiền và Nguyễn Xí đấy, em cũng mua ở đấy mà.
Ngoài ra, còn cuốn: "Đàn ông xây nhà, đàn bà xây tổ ấm" cũng khá hay. Các mẹ thử đọc xem.

[Little Monkey]

Shimizu ơi, gửi cho mình một bản qua email nhé.
nguyen.hong@thanglong-ip.com

Bạn có cái tên giống... sếp mình quá. Có nghĩa là... Lavie đúng không?

Cảm ơn Shimizu

[shimizu]

Shimizu ơi, gửi cho mình một bản qua email nhé.
nguyen.hong@thanglong-ip.com

Bạn có cái tên giống... sếp mình quá. Có nghĩa là... Lavie đúng không?

Cảm ơn Shimizu

Bây giờ ấy, ngoài Lavie nó còn là Kim Bôi, Tiền Hải rồi vân vân và vân vân :4:

[sakura]

shimizu oi,gui cho minh ban tiêng anh voi nhe.Cam on ban nhiêu.Dia chi cua minh:haruspringvn@yahoo.com.

[yttikoob]

Shimizu oi, gửi cho cả mình mọt bản nữa nhé. Email của mình lai.thanh.mai@gmail.com
NGhe các mẹ nói về quyển sách này, mình tò mò quá, nhat là đang "tu" ở nhà nuôi con :10:

[me_vuchan]

Mình có CD "Men are from Mars..." đấy, thỉng thoảng cho vào walkman nghe cũng hay và luyện tiếng Anh (dễ nghe lắm). Nhưng mẹ nào cần thì chịu vì mình đang ở xa nhà quá.

[yttikoob]

Wow, cuối tháng 6 này AX mình có sang Tokyo họp 1 tuần đáy. Có dẽ liên lạc với bạn không để mình nhờ chòng mình copy đĩa đáy? :3:

[yenbiz_2005@yahoo.com.vn]

Đây là một cuốn sách hay, được liệt vào hàng best seller đấy các mẹ ạ. Lâu nay chúng ta cứ nghĩ và hiểu chồng mình theo suy nghĩ của đàn bà, nhưng sau khi đọc cuốn sách này mình sẽ hiểu đàn ông/chồng mình hơn đấy các mẹ. Bởi vì đơn giản là ta và chồng ta là những người khác phái, đương nhiên chúng ta sẽ khác nhau về mọi vấn đề. Để hiểu chồng mình hơn, các mẹ hãy tìm mua sách này đi nhé và hiểu tại sao chồng mình lại như thế khi mình nóng giận, hay hờn dỗi...Ôi nhiều thứ lắm đấy các mẹ ạ. Bản tiếng anh thì mắc lắm những 288,000 cơ, nhưng bản dịch tiếng việt chỉ có 52,000 thôi. Nhưng mà đọc tiếng việt có thể đôi lúc người ta dịch chưa được dễ hiểu lắm. nhưng không sao các mẹ ạ, từ từ mình sẽ hiểu rồi mua sách tiếng anh để càng hiểu thêm. Em đã mua rồi, mẹ nào tìm không ra thì em cho mượn nhé, hiiiiiii.
Chúc các mẹ ngày càng hiểu và yêu chồng mình nhiều hơn.

[MTV]

Tớ cũng đọc rồi và rất tâm đắc!
Nhưng đọc lâu lắm rồi nên giờ chỉ nhớ vài điểm mấu chốt để đem áp dụng thôi :))

[Diu_dang]

Đây là một cuốn sách hay, được liệt vào hàng best seller đấy các mẹ ạ. Lâu nay chúng ta cứ nghĩ và hiểu chồng mình theo suy nghĩ của đàn bà, nhưng sau khi đọc cuốn sách này mình sẽ hiểu đàn ông/chồng mình hơn đấy các mẹ. Bởi vì đơn giản là ta và chồng ta là những người khác phái, đương nhiên chúng ta sẽ khác nhau về mọi vấn đề. Để hiểu chồng mình hơn, các mẹ hãy tìm mua sách này đi nhé và hiểu tại sao chồng mình lại như thế khi mình nóng giận, hay hờn dỗi...Ôi nhiều thứ lắm đấy các mẹ ạ. Bản tiếng anh thì mắc lắm những 288,000 cơ, nhưng bản dịch tiếng việt chỉ có 52,000 thôi. Nhưng mà đọc tiếng việt có thể đôi lúc người ta dịch chưa được dễ hiểu lắm. nhưng không sao các mẹ ạ, từ từ mình sẽ hiểu rồi mua sách tiếng anh để càng hiểu thêm. Em đã mua rồi, mẹ nào tìm không ra thì em cho mượn nhé, hiiiiiii.
Chúc các mẹ ngày càng hiểu và yêu chồng mình nhiều hơn.
Tớ đọc rồi và chỉ ngậm ngùi ngộ ra là "chồng và vợ" rút cuộc cũng từ 2 hành tinh khác nhau, cố gắng lắm thì hiểu nhau được 1 tí. Nhiều lúc thích chồng làm gì cứ phải nói thẳng ra, ý nguyện thì đạt được nhưng sự hài lòng thì thiếu. Túm lại, sao mà chồng mình vẫn chả biết tâm lý mấy, hu hu...

[My Sun]

Đây là một cuốn sách hay, được liệt vào hàng best seller đấy các mẹ ạ. Lâu nay chúng ta cứ nghĩ và hiểu chồng mình theo suy nghĩ của đàn bà, nhưng sau khi đọc cuốn sách này mình sẽ hiểu đàn ông/chồng mình hơn đấy các mẹ. Bởi vì đơn giản là ta và chồng ta là những người khác phái, đương nhiên chúng ta sẽ khác nhau về mọi vấn đề. Để hiểu chồng mình hơn, các mẹ hãy tìm mua sách này đi nhé và hiểu tại sao chồng mình lại như thế khi mình nóng giận, hay hờn dỗi...Ôi nhiều thứ lắm đấy các mẹ ạ. Bản tiếng anh thì mắc lắm những 288,000 cơ, nhưng bản dịch tiếng việt chỉ có 52,000 thôi. Nhưng mà đọc tiếng việt có thể đôi lúc người ta dịch chưa được dễ hiểu lắm. nhưng không sao các mẹ ạ, từ từ mình sẽ hiểu rồi mua sách tiếng anh để càng hiểu thêm. Em đã mua rồi, mẹ nào tìm không ra thì em cho mượn nhé, hiiiiiii.
Chúc các mẹ ngày càng hiểu và yêu chồng mình nhiều hơn.


Sách tiếng Anh bạn down tại đây:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=32A9T7DT

- Hic, tiết kiệm nhé :288-52 = ?

[bombop]

Úi may quá có bộ tiếng Anh này để down, lần trước em đọc mới được mấy chương đầu thôi, bằng tiếng Anh, thấy hay phết, nhưng có lẽ có những chỗ còn nói hợp với văn hoá phương Tây hơn nên chắc áp dụng cả vào VN mình thì ko hẳn là đã được cả, các chị nhỉ? :3: :21:

Nhà em thì ko có lãng mạn từ thuở yêu nhau rồi, muốn gì nói nấy cho nhanh và dễ hiểu, em cũng ko thấy khó chịu lắm, lại thấy dễ thở. Ko biết thế có gọi là khô như ngói ko nhỉ? :7:

[yenbiz_2005@yahoo.com.vn]

Sách tiếng Anh bạn down tại đây:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=32A9T7DT

- Hic, tiết kiệm nhé :288-52 = ?
de tui thử down xem nhé, cám ơn bà nhiều

[Creamcheese]

Cuốn sách này nổi tiếng lắm, mình cũng đọc rồi nhưng là sách mượn thôi, vì không mua được, kiếm bao nhiêu hàng sách rồi cũng không có, mà có nhiều sách in lậu không lấy tên như vậy nên là rất khó tìm. Nhưng mà công nhận là thấy đúng quá, vì tác giả là nhà tâm lý học nổi tiếng mà, thấy hoá ra không phải mình mình cư xử như vậy, trong những tình huống như vậy mà đa số đàn bà đều thế, hihi, đọc cũng để hiểu chồng hơn...

[Bong Bon Bon]

Mình cũng đã đọc cuốn này từ trước khi cưới khá lâu, mượn được của 1 thằng bạn. Hí hửng take nóte lại vài điều nghĩ là sẽ học và áp dụng được sau khi cưới. Chả biết tại lúc cưới phải lo hay tại lâu ko áp dụng nên chả còn gì trong đầu sất, nhưng cũng may là Sao Kim và sao Hoả nhà tớ có nhiều điểm chung, những điểm khác nhau thì bù trừ cho nhau chứ không quá chênh lệch. Cũng muốn tìm đọc lại để thử nghiệm xem sao.

[Manly]

Đây là một cuốn sách hay, được liệt vào hàng best seller đấy các mẹ ạ. Lâu nay chúng ta cứ nghĩ và hiểu chồng mình theo suy nghĩ của đàn bà, nhưng sau khi đọc cuốn sách này mình sẽ hiểu đàn ông/chồng mình hơn đấy các mẹ. Bởi vì đơn giản là ta và chồng ta là những người khác phái, đương nhiên chúng ta sẽ khác nhau về mọi vấn đề. Để hiểu chồng mình hơn, các mẹ hãy tìm mua sách này đi nhé và hiểu tại sao chồng mình lại như thế khi mình nóng giận, hay hờn dỗi...Ôi nhiều thứ lắm đấy các mẹ ạ. Bản tiếng anh thì mắc lắm những 288,000 cơ, nhưng bản dịch tiếng việt chỉ có 52,000 thôi. Nhưng mà đọc tiếng việt có thể đôi lúc người ta dịch chưa được dễ hiểu lắm. nhưng không sao các mẹ ạ, từ từ mình sẽ hiểu rồi mua sách tiếng anh để càng hiểu thêm. Em đã mua rồi, mẹ nào tìm không ra thì em cho mượn nhé, hiiiiiii.
Chúc các mẹ ngày càng hiểu và yêu chồng mình nhiều hơn.

hihihi, hay quá, mẹ Yến ơi, thứ 5 này đi offline bà cho tôi mượn nhé :11:

[MeoBe]

Sao mình không download được truyện theo link của mẹ My Sun nhỉ? Mẹ nào có bản soft copy, gửi cho mình với giadinhmeobe@yahoo.co.uk

Meobe cám ơn nhé.

[Nemchio]

Sách tiếng Anh bạn down tại đây:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=32A9T7DT

- Hic, tiết kiệm nhé :288-52 = ?

Bạn My Sun ơi, bạn có thể gửi lại bản tiếng Anh một lần nữa được không? Hoặc có bạn nào có bản tiếng Anh này, gửi cho mình được không? Mình muốn đọc quá. Mình thử vào cái link bạn đã đưa nhưng chắc lâu quá rồi,không download được nữa. Cảm ơn các bạn nhiều nhé.

[Bố Tít]

Nói chung nếu đã đọc rồi thì không cần nhớ nhiều lắm! Chỉ cần khi nào vợ chồng giận nhau thì nhớ đến tên cuốn sách cũng đã là một cách để làm lành. Quan trọng là lúc giận có nhớ được không ý chứ :4:

[Tini-Bin]

Cac chị trong dien đan oi, có chị nao có ban tieng viet " Đan ong đen từ Sao Hoa, đan bà đen từ Sao Kim" ko? Lam on cho em xin voi. Em đi tim mua mai mà ko đuoc.

[to be]

Hôm qua em vừa mua quyển sách này ở Đinh Lễ. Thấy hàng nào cũng có mà. Ở nhà sách Tràng Tiền hay nhà sách Thăng Long cũng có (nhưng ở 2 nhà sách này thì k đc giảm giá đâu). Có 2 bản dịch:
1. Đàn ông đến từ sao hỏa, đàn bà đến từ sao kim. Bản này đẹp. in đẹp và nghe người bán nói là dịch chuẩn hơn, đồng thời dày hơn bản kia. Giá bìa 52.000 nhưng mua ở Đinh Lễ thì được giảm 30% còn 36.000.
2. Đàn ông sao hỏa, đàn bà sao kim (khác so với bản trên ở từ "đến từ" :)). Bản này in hơi nham nhở nhưng thấy con bạn em mua rồi bảo đọc cũng vẫn ok. Bản này thì rẻ, giá bìa 32.000 nhưng được giảm còn có 20.000.
Em nghe nói quyển này hay nên cố bỏ tiền mua bản đẹp là 36.000. Về mới đọc được một ít nhưng thấy hay thực sự. Nói chung đáng đồng tiền bát gạo:).
Các chị cứ theo địa chỉ trên tìm nhé.

[Yeu_Kitty]

Các mẹ ơi, có ai có bản soft copy thì share cho mẹ Kitty với nhé. Email của mẹ Kitty: perfumebackup@gmail.com. Mẹ Kitty cảm ơn rất nhiều. :8:

[Meo_mup]

Em không biết các bố, các mẹ đã đọc cuốn này chưa ạ!?
Em không có bản này bằng tiếng Việt nên up lên đây bản tiếng Anh!
Lời mở đầu bằng tiếng Việt em cóp được đây ạ
Đàn ông đến từ sao Hỏa, đàn bà đến từ Sao Kim
John Gray

Hãy tưởng tượng đàn ông là những người đến từ Hỏa Tinh và đàn bà có gốc gác từ Kim tinh. Xưa xửa xừa xưa,người sao Hỏa nhìn qua ống kính viễn vọng bỗng khám phá ra các cô nàng sao Kim. Một tình cảm rất lạ chưa bao giờ các chàng trải qua trào dâng trong lòng. Họ đã yêu và rất nhanh chóng họ phát minh ra tàu vũ trụ, bay tới sao Kim.

Các cô nàng sao Kim đã chào đón các chàng sao hỏa một cách nồng nhiệt. Đã từ lâu họ cảm nhận rằng cái ngày này rồi cũng sẽ tới. Trái tim họ rộng mở và khúc nhạc tình yêu ngân vang trong tim họ.

Tình yêu giữa các nàng sao Kim và các chàng sao hỏa như phép nhiệm màu. họ sung sướng được ở bên nhau, chia sẻ mọi chuyện cùng nhau, làm gì cũng có nhau. Mặc dù đến từ 2 thế giới khác nhau, và họ cũng thể hiện những điều khác nhau của mình ra, nhưng họ cũng đã chịu khó dành hàng tháng trời để tìm hiểu, khám phá nhau, hiểu rõ hơn về cá tính, suy nghĩ của nhau. Hàng năm trời họ đã sống rất hạnh phúc bên nhau.

Đến một ngày, họ quyết định bay tới mặt đất để sống. Từ những ngày đầu, mọi chuyện dường như rất tuyệt vời và tươi đẹp. Nhưng do ảnh hưởng của không khí quả địa cầu, một sáng kia khi họ chợt thức dậy với một chứng bệnh kì lạ :"chứng quên có chọn lọc". Cả hai đều quên mất cội nguồn của mình, quên rằng họ đến từ những hành tinh dị biệt nên rất khác nhau. Rồi lại một sáng nọ, tất cả những điều dị biệt mà họ từng nằm lòng đều bị xóa sạch khỏi bộ nhớ. Từ đó, đàn ông và đàn bà luôn mâu thuẫn với nhau.

Nhớ lại những điểm dị biệt của chúng ta

Không còn nhớ mình có gốc gác rất khác nhau, đàn ông và đàn bà đã nhìn nhau với con mắt lạ lẫm. Quên mất sự thật quan trọng đó, phái này thường giận dỗi hay thất vọng phái kia. Cả anh lẫn chị đều mong đợi người kia phải giống mình; thích họ "muốn điều ta muốn" và "cảm điều ta cảm".

Ta sai lầm tin tưởng một cách mù quáng rằng, nếu người kia yêu ta thì họ phải xử sự theo cách ta cư xử khi yêu họ. Chính ý nghĩ đó đã khiến chúng ta bất mãn, ngăn cản ta dành chút ít thời gian để cùng nhau đối thoại về những điểm dị biệt của mình.

Đàn ông cứ mong muốn phụ nữ suy nghĩ, nói năng, hành động theo kiểu mình thường làm. Phụ nữ lại chờ đợi đàn ông cảm xúc, giao tiếp và phản hồi theo cách mà mình ưa thích . Ta quên phéng rằng đàn ông và phụ nữ rất khác nhau. Kết quả, mối quan hệ giữa chúng ta chất đầy những va chạm và ma sát không cần thiết.

Thấu hiểu và tôn trọng những đặc tính khác biệt này rõ ràng sẽ giảm đi sự bối rối khi giao tiếp với người khác phái. Khi bạn nhớ rằng đàn ông đến từ sao Hỏa, đàn bà đến từ sao Kim, mọi chuyện sẽ trở nên dễ dàng hết sức.

[Meo_mup]

Introduction
A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and 1 were completely exhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk. After five days of staying home to help, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better.
While 1 was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.
I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me.
She said, "I''ve been in pain all day.... I ran out of pills. I''ve been stranded in bed and nobody cares!"
I said defensively, "Why didn''t you call me?"
She said, "I asked your brother, but he forgot! I''ve'' been waiting for him to return all day. Whatam I supposed to do? 1 can barely walk. I feel so deserted!"
At this point 1 exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn''t called me. 1 was furious that she was blaming me when I didn''t even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits.
Then something started to happen that would change my life.
Bonnie said, "Stop, please don''t leave. This is when I need you the most. I''m in pain. I haven ''t slept in days. Please listen to me."
I stopped for a moment to listen.
She said, "John Gray, you''re a fair -weather friend! As long as I''m sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I''m not, you walk right out that door."
Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, "Right now I''m in pain. 1 have nothing to give, this is when 1 need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don''t have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don''t go."
I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.
At that moment I started to realize the real meanin g of loveunconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair -weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.
That day, for the fast time, I didn''t leave her. 1 stayed, and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support her when 1 was shown the way.
How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would have instinctively known what Bonnie needed. But as a man, 1 didn''t know that touching, holding, and listening were so important to her. By recognizing these differences I began to learn a new way of relating to my wife. 1 would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily.
In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didn''t know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult.

Introduction Lời giới thiệu
Một tuần sau khi con gái Lauren của chúng tôi chào đời, vợ tôi – Bonnie và tôi hoàn toàn kiệt sức. Lauren luôn khiến chúng tôi phải thức dậy mỗi đêm.Bonnie thì vẫn còn đau sau khi sinh con, cô ấy hầu như không thể đi lại vì đau.
Sau năm ngày nghỉ ở nhà, tôi phải đi làm. Bonnie trông cũng có vẻ khá hơn.
Ngày hôm ấy, thuốc giảm đau của Bonnie hết. Không muốn làm phiền tôi, cô ấy đã nhờ người em trai tôi mua hộ thuốc, nhưng cậu ấy lại quên mất. Vậy là Bonnie phải ở nhà trông con và chịu đựng sự đau đớn mà không có thuốc giảm đau.

Không hề biết mọi chuyện, tôi trở về nhà khi cô ấy đang vô cùng buồn bã tức giận. Tôi không hề hiểu những gì cô ấy phải trải qua mà chỉ nghĩ là cô ấy đang trách cứ tôi

Cô ấy sụt sùi “Cả ngày hôm nay em đau lắm, em hết thuốc rồi! Chẳng ai quan tâm đến em hết”
Tôi càu nhàu “Sao em không gọi anh?”
“Em có nhờ em của anh, nhưng nó quên rồi! Em đã đợi cả ngày! Em phải làm gì đây? Em chỉ có thể lết đi thôi! Em cảm thấy thật cô độc”
Tôi dường như bùng nổ. Đã không gọi cho tôi, cô ấy còn trách cứ tôi trong khi tôi không hề biết rằng cô ấy bị đau. Sau khi la ó nhau, tôi đi thẳng ra cửa! Tôi nóng giận, cáu kỉnh và cảm thấy không muốn nghe thêm lời nào nữa. Chúng tôi đều đã chịu đựng quá giới hạn.
Và lúc đó, điều thay đổi cả cuộc đời tôi đã xảy ra khi Bonnie dịu dàng nói “Dừng lại, anh đừng đi. Đây là lúc mà em cần anh nhất. Em đang rất đau. Em cũng chẳng thể ngủ được nhiều đêm rồi. Anh hãy lắng nghe em”
Tôi dừng lại nghe xem cô ấy muốn nói gì
“Jonh Gray, anh thật là thất thường. Anh chỉ yêu thương em khi em dịu dàng và đáng yêu vì anh, nhưng ngay khi em không thể, anh bỏ em đi ngay lập tức”
Ngừng lại 1 lúc, với đôi mắt đẫm lệ, giọng cô ấy khác hẳn “ Ngay bây giờ em rất đau đớn, em không còn làm gì được cho anh cả. Đây là lúc em cần em nhất. Anh đến với em và ôm em đi nào! Anh không cần nói gì cả đâu. Chỉ cần vòng tay anh bên em. Anh đừng đi”
Tôi bước đến và lặng im ôm cô ấy. Sau một lát nức nở trong tay tôi, cô ấy cảm ơn tôi vì đã không bỏ đi. Lúc đó, tôi được biết rằng cô ấy chỉ cần được tôi ôm mà thôi.
Lúc đó, tôi bắt đầu nhận ra ý nghĩa thực sự của tình yêu không điều kiện.
Tôi luôn nghĩ về bản thân như một người luôn yêu thương người khác. Nhưng Bonnie đã đúng, tôi quá thất thường. Khi cô ấy duyên dáng và dịu dàng, tôi yêu thương cô ấy. Nhưng khi cô ấy không vui hoặc giận dữ, tôi sẽ cảm thấy bị chỉ trích rồi giận dữ hoặc chuyển sang xa cách.
Ngày hôm đó, tôi đã không bỏ đi. Tôi ở lại, và cảm giác thật tuyệt vời. Tôi đã thành công khi ở bên cô ấy vào lúc cô ấy cần tôi. Cảm giác về một tình yêu chân thật. Cảm giác chở che cho người khác. Cảm giác tin tưởng vào atình yêu của chúng tôi. Tôi cảm thấy thật tuyệt vì tôi có thể giúp cô ấy theo cách thật đơn giản.
Làm sao tôi cô thể sai lầm cơ chứ! Cô ấy chỉ đơn giản cần có tôi, và tôi ôm cô ấy. Người phụ nữ khác sẽ dễ dàng nhận thấy điều mà Bonnie làm. Nhưng tôi là người đàn ông, và tôi không thể hiểu được rằng những vuốt vwe, những cái ôm, và cách lắng nghe vô cùng quan trọng với người phụ nữ của mình.
Nhận ra điều khác biệt ấy, tôi bắt đầu học một cách mới để bên người vợ của tôi. Tôi không thể ngờ rằng tôi có thể giải quyết những mâu thuẫn đơn giản đến vậy
Trong những mối quan hệ trước đây của tôi, tôi đã luôn như vậy, không yêu thương họ như họ cần, đơn giản vì tôi không biết làm gì khác. Chính vì vậy, cuộc hôn nhân đầu tiên của tôi đã trở nên vô cùng đau khổ và khó khăn.

[Meo_mup]

Ibis incident with Bonnie revealed to me how I could change this pattern.

It inspired my seven years of research to help develop and refine the insights about men and women in this book. By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, 1 suddenly began to realize that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this new awareness of our differences Bonnie and 1 were able to improve dramatically our communication and enjoy each other more.
By continuing to recognize and explore our differences we have discovered new ways to improve all our relationships. We have learned about relationships in ways that our parents never knew and therefore could not have taught us. As 1 began sharing these insights with my counseling clients, their relationships were also enriched. Literally thousands of those who attended my weekend seminars saw their relationships dramatically transform overnight.
Seven years later individuals and couples still report successful benefits. 1 receive pictures of happy couples and their children, with letters thanking me for saving their marriage. Although their love saved their marriage, they would have divorced if they hadn''t gained a deeper understanding of the opposite *********.
Susan and Jim had been married nine years. Like most couples they started out loving each other, but after years of increasing frustration and disappointment they lost their passion and decided to give up. Before getting a divorce, however, they attended my weekend relationship seminar. Susan said, "We have tried everything to make this relationship work. We are just too different."
During the seminar they were amazed to learn that their differences were not only normal but were to be expected. They were comforted that other couples had experienced the same patterns of relating. In just two days, Susan and Jim gained a totally new understanding of men and women.
They fell in love again. Their relationship miraculously changed. No longer heading toward a divorce, they looked forward to sharing the rest of their lives together. Jim said, "This information about our differences has given me back my wife. This is the greatest gift I could ever receive. We are loving each other again."
Six years later, when they invited me to visit their new home and family, they were still loving each other. They were still dunking me for helping them to understand each other and stay married.
Although almost everyone would agree that men and women are different, how different is still undefined for most people. Many books in the last ten years have forged ahead, attempting to define these differences. Though important advances have been made, many books are one-sided and unfortunately reinforce mistrust and resentment toward the opposite *********. One ********* is generally viewed as being victimized by the other. A definitive guide was needed for understanding how healthy men and women are different.
To improve relations between the *********es it is necessary to create an understanding of our differences that raises self-esteem and personal dignity while inspiring mutual trust, personal responsibility, increased cooperation, and greater love. As a result of questioning more than 25,000 participants in my relationship seminars 1 have been able to define in positive terms how men and women are different. As you explore these differences you will feel walls of resentment and mistrust melting down.
Opening the heart results m greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love and support. With this new awareness, you will, 1 hope, go beyond the suggestions in this book and continue to develop ways in which you can relate lovingly to the opposite *********.
All of the principles in this book have been tested and tried. At least 90 per cent of the morethan 25,000 individuals questioned have enthusiastically recognized themselves ''m these descriptions. If you find yourself nodding your head while reading this book, saying "Yes, yes this is me you''re talking about," then you are definitely not alone. And just as others have benefited from applying the insights in this book, you can as well.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus reveals new strategies for reducing tension in relationships and creating more love by first recognizing in great detail how men and women are different. It then offers practical suggestions about how to reduce frustration and disappointment and to create increasing happiness and intimacy. Relationships do not have to be such a struggle. Only when we do not under stand one another is there tension, resentment, or conflict.
So many people are frustrated in their relationships. They love their partners, but when there is tension they do not know what to do to make things better. Through understanding how completely different men and women are, you will learn new ways for successfully relating with, listening to, and supporting the opposite *********. You will learn how to create the love you deserve. As you read this book you may wonder how anybody succeeds in having a successful relationship without it.

[Meo_mup]

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a manual for loving relationships in the 1990s. It reveals how men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not only do men and women cornmunicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment.
This expanded understanding of our differences helps resolve much of the frustration in dealing with and trying to understand the opposite *********. Misunderstandings can then be quickly dissipated or avoided. Incorrect expectations are easily corrected. When you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differences instead of resisting or trying to change them.
Most important, throughout this book you will learn practical techniques for solving the problems that arise from our differences. This book is not just a theoretical analysis of psychological differences but also a practical manual for how to succeed in creating loving relationships.
The truth of these principles is self-evident and can be validated by your own experience as well as by common sense. Many exam ples will simply and concisely express what you have always intuitively known. This validation will assist you in being you and in not losing yourself in your relationships.
In response to these insights, men often say "This is exactly how 1 am. Have you been following me around? I no longer feel like something is wrong with me."
Women often say "Finally my husband listens to me. I don''t have to fight to be validated. Whenyou explain our differences, my husband understands. Thank you!"
These are but a few of the thousands of inspirational comments that people have shared after learning that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The results of this new program for understanding the opposite ********* are not only dramatic and immediate but also long lasting.
Certainly the journey of creating a loving relationship can be rocky at times. Problems are inevitable. But these problems either can be sources of resentment and rejection or can be opportunities for deepening intimacy and increasing love, caring, and trust. The insights of this book are not a "quick fix" to eliminate all problems. Instead they provide a new approach whereby your relationships can successfully support you in solving life''s problems as they arise. With this new awareness you will have the tools you need to get the love you deserve and to give your partner the love and support he or she deserves.
I make many generalizations about men and women in this book. Probably you will find some comments truer than others ... after all, we are unique individuals with unique experiences. Sometimes in my seminar couples and individuals will share that they relate to the examples of men and women but in an opposite way. The man relates to my descriptions of women and the woman relates to my descriptions of men. I call this role reversal.
If you discover you are experiencing role reversal, I want to assure you that everything is all right. I suggest that when you do not relate to something in this book, either ignore it (moving on to something you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself. Many men have denied some of their masculine attributes in order to become more loving and nurturing. Likewise many women have denied some of their feminine attributes in order to earn a living in a work force that rewards masculine attributes. If this is the case, then by applying the suggestions,
strategies, and techniques in this book you not only will create more passion in your relationships but also will increasingly balance your masculine and feminine characteristics.
In this book 1 do not directly address the question of why men and women are different. This is a complex question to which there are many answers, ranging from biological differences, parental influence, education, and birth order to cultural conditioning by society, the media, and history. (These issues are explored in great depth in my book Men, Women, and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite *********.)
Although the benefits of applying the insights in this book are immediate, this book does not replace the need for therapy and counseling for troubled relationships or survivors of a dysfunctional family. Even healthy individuals may need therapy or counseling at challenging times. 1 believe strongly in the powerful and gradual transformation that occurs in therapy, marriage counseling, and twelve-step recovery groups.
Yet repeatedly 1 have heard people say that they have benefited more from this new understanding of relationships than from years of therapy. 1 however believe that their years of therapy or recovery work provided the groundwork that allowed them to apply these insights so successfully to their life and relationships.
If our past was dysfunctional, then even after years of therapy or attending recovery groups we still need a positive picture of healthy relationships. This book provides that vision. On the other hand, even if our past has been very loving and nurturing, times have changed, and a new approach to relationships between the *********es is still required. It is essential to learn new and healthy ways of relating and communicating.
I believe everyone can benefit from the insights in this book. The only negative response I hear from participants in my seminars and in the letters I receive is "I
wish someone had told me this before."
It is never too late to increase the love in your life. You only need to learn a new way. Whether you are in therapy or not, if you want to have more fulfilling relationships with the opposite *********, this book is for you.
It is a pleasure to share with you Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. May you always grow in wisdom and in love. May the frequency of divorce decrease and the number of happy marriages increase. Our children deserve a better world.

[Meo_mup]

Chapter 1
Men Are from Mars
Women Are from Venus
Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day long ago the Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the Venusians. just glimpsing the Venusians awakened feelings they had never known. They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew to Venus.
The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. They had intuitively known that this day would come. Their hearts opened wide to a love they had never felt before.
The love between the Venusians and Martians was magical. They delighted in being together, doing things together, and sharing together. Though from different worlds, they reveled in their differences. They spent months learning about each other, exploring and appreciati ng their different needs, preferences, and behavior patterns. For years they lived together in love
and harmony.
Then they decided to fly to Earth. In the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful. But the effects of Earth''s atmosphere took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with a peculiar kind of amnesiaselective amnesia!
Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were supposed to be different. In one morning everything they had learned about their differences was erased from their memory. And since that day men and women have been in conflict.
REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCESWithout the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite ********* because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite ********* to be more like ourselves. We desire them to "want what we want" and "feel the way we feel."
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and in and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.
Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.
Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite *********. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained.
AN OVERVIEW OF OUR DIFFERENCESThroughout this book I will discuss in great detail our differences. Each chapter will bring you new and crucial insights. Here are the major differences that we will explore:
In chapter 2 we will explore how men''s and women''s values are inherently different and try to understand the two biggest mistakes we make in relating to the opposite *********: men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction. Through understanding our MartianlVenusian background it becomes obvious why men and women unknowingly make these mistakes. By remembering these differences we can correct our mistakes and immediately respond to each other in more productive ways.
In chapter 3 we''ll discover the different ways men and women cope with stress. While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what''s bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what''s bothering them. You will learn new strategies for getting what you want at these conflicting times.
We will explore how to motivate the opposite ********* in chapter 4. Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished. We will discuss the three steps for improving relationships and explore how to overcome our greatest challenges: men need to overcome their resistance to giving love while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it.
In chapter 5 you''ll learn how men and women commonly misunderstand each other because they speak different languages. A Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary is provided to translate commonly misunderstood expressions. You will learn how men and women speak and even stop speaking for entirely different reasons. Women will learn what to do when a man stops talking, and men will learn how to listen better without becoming frustrated.
In chapter 6 you will discover how men and women have different needs for intimacy. A man gets close but then inevitably needs to Pull away. Women will learn how to support this pulling-away process so he will spring back to her like a rubber band. Women also will learn the best times for having intimate conversations with a man.
We will explore in chapter 7 how a woman''s loving attitudes rise and fall rhythmically in a wave motion. Men will learn how correctly to interpret these sometimes sudden shifts of feeling. Men also will learn to recognize when they are needed the most and how to be skilfully supportive at those times without having to make sacrifices.
In chapter 8 you''ll discover how men and women give the kind of love they need and not what the opposite ********* needs. Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful. You will discover the six most common ways you may unknowingly be turning off
your partner.
In chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid painful arguments. Men will learn that by acting as if they are always right they may invalidate a woman''s feelings. Women will learn how they unknowingly send messages of disapproval instead of disagreement, thus igniting a man''s defenses. The anatomy of an argument will be explored along with many practical suggestions for establishing supportive communication.
Chapter 10 will show how men and women keep score differently. Men will learn that for Venusians every gift of love scores equally with every other gift, regardless of size. Instead of focusing on one big gift men are reminded that the little expressions of love are just as important; 101 ways to score points with women are listed. Women, however, will learn to redirect their energies into ways that score big with men by giving men what they want.
In chapter 11 you''ll learn ways to communicate with each other during difficult times. The different ways men and women hide feelings are discussed along with the importance of sharing feelings. The Love Letter Technique is recommended for expressing negative feelings to your partner, as a way of finding greater love and forgiveness.
You will understand why Venusians have a more difficult time asking for support in chapter 12, as well as why Martians commonly resist requests. You will learn how the phrases "could you" and "can you" turn off men and what to say instead. You will learn the secrets for encouraging a man to give more and discover in various ways the power of being brief, direct, and using the correct wording.
In chapter 13 you''ll discover the four seasons of love. This realistic perspective of how love changes and grows will assist you in overcoming the inevitable obstacles that emerge in any relationship. You will learn how your past or your partner''s past can affect your relationship in the present and discover other important insights for keeping the magic of love alive.
In each chapter of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus you will discover new secrets for creating loving and lasting relationships. Each new discovery will increase your ability to have fulfilling relationships.
GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGHFalling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after.
But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant.
With the best and most loving intentions love continues to die. Somehow the problems creep in. The resentments build. Communication breaks down. Mistrust increases. Rejection and repression result. The magic of love is lost.
We ask ourselves:
How does it happen?
Why does it happen?
Why does it happen to us?
To answer these questions our greatest minds have developed brilliant and complex philosophical and psychological models. Yet still the old patterns return. Love dies. It happens to almost everyone.
Each day millions of individuals are searching for a pa rtner to experience that special loving feeling. Each year, millions of couples join together in love and then painfully separate because they have lost that loving feeling. From those who are able to sustain love long enough to get married, only 50 percent stay married. Out of those who stay together, possibly another 50 percent are not fulfilled. They stay together out of loyalty and obligation or from the fear of
starting over.
Very few people, indeed, are able to grow in love. Yet, it does happen. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.
Through understanding the hidden differences of the opposite ********* we can more successfully give and receive the love that is in our hearts. By validating and accepting our differences, creative solutions can be discovered whereby we can succeed in getting what we want. And, more important, we can learn how to best love and support the people we care about.
Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences.

[Meo_mup]

Chapter 2

Mr. Fix-It and the

Home-Improvement Committee

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don''t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix -It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn''t appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he''s not listening, he doesn''t get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-Improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists-waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she''s nurturing him, while he feels he''s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.
These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let''s pre tend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus --beforethe planets discovered one another or came to Earth -we can gain some insights into men and women.
WE ON MARSMartians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.
Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their skills and competence. Police officers, soldiers, businessmen, scientists, cab drivers, technicians, and chefs all wear uniforms or at least hats to reflect their competence and power.
They don''t read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like huntM fishing, and racing cars. They are interested m the news, weather, and sports and couldn''t care less about romance novels and self-help books.
They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the "things" that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals.
Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And fo r him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can''t achieve them for hirn. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.
Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn''t know what to do or that he can''t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.
Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?" He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.
However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. FIX -It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice.
This Martian custom Is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.
He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems.
Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.
He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.
LIFE ON VENUSVenusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.
Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned w ith living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars.
They do not wear uniforms like the Martians (to reveal their competence). On the contrary, they enjoy wearing a different outfit every day, according to how they are feeling. Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes.
Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.
This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman''s experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem.
instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women''s restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.
On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a master''s degree in counseling. They are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing, and growth. Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants.
Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of other s. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.
Because proving one''s competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn''t feel she mists his ability to do it himself.
A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.
On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.
Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don''t change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is
working. "Don''t fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression.
When a woman tries to improve a man. he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn''t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.
GIVE UP GIVING ADVICEWithout this insight into the nature of men, it''s very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.
For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was dear to Mary that Tom was lost.
She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening Mary had no idea of why he was so upset.
From her side she was saying "I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help."
From his side, he was offended. What he heard was "I don''t trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!"
Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.
Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note.
After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering "help" she restrained herself from offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust.
Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.
For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: "If 1 can''t be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?" Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance
the most and not her advice or criticism.

[Meo_mup]

LEARNING TO LISTEN
Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn''t pleased. For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her
feelings about the day.
She says, "There is so much to do; I don''t have any time for myself."
Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don''t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do."
Mary says, "But 1 like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment''s notice."
Tom says, "Don''t listen to them. just do what you can do."
Mary says, "I am! 1 can''t believe 1 completely forgot to call my aunt today."
Tom says, "Don''t worry about it, she''ll understand."
Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."
Tom says, "You worry too much, that''s why you''re so unhappy."
Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can''t you just listen to me?"
Tom says, "I am listening."
Mary says, "Why do 1 even bother?"
After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn''t work.
Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn''t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other''s feelings.
Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.
When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:
Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."
Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds Ii ike you had a hard day."
Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment''s notice. 1 don''t know what to do."
Tom pauses and then says, " "H|mmm."
Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt."
Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no."
Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. 1 feel so bad."
Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug."
Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better."
Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:
1. A man tries to change a woman''s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix -It and
offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
2. A woman tries to change a man''s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX -IT AND
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEEIn pointing out these two major mistakes 1 do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix-It or the home-improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.
A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix -It, as long as he doesn''t come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.
A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticismespecially if he has made a mistake-make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, ''In order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman Is not trying to improve him, he is
much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.
Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner''s sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let''s explore this in greater detail.
WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN''S SOLUTIONSWhen a woman resists a man''s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.
By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.
Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist:
1. "You shouldn''t worry so much."
2. "But that is not what I said."
3. "It''s not such a big deal."
4. "OK, I''m sorry. Now can we just forget it."
5. "Why don''t you just do it?"
6. "But we do talk."
7. "You shouldn''t feel hurt, that''s not what I meant."
8. "So what are you trying to say?"
9. "But you shouldn''t feel that way."
10. "How can you say that? Last week 1 spent the whole day with you. We had a great time."
11. " OK, then just forget it."
12. "All right, I''ll dean up the backyard. Does that ma ke you happy?"
13. "1 got it. This is what you should do."
14. "Look, there''s nothing we can do about it."
15. "If you are going to complain about doing it, then don''t do it."
16. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them."
17. "If you''re not happy then we should just get a divorce."
18. "All right, then you can do it from now on."
19. "From now on, 1 will handle it."
20. "Of course 1 care about you. That''s ridiculous." 2 1. "Would you get to the point?" 22. "All we have to do is... 23. "That''s not at all what happened."
Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.
By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman''s resistance much better. He doesn''t take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.
WHEN A MAN RESISTS
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEEWhen a man resists a woman''s suggestions she feels as though he doesn''t care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.
At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request.
Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.
1. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one."
2. "Those dishes are still wet. They''ll dry with spots"
3. "Your hair is getting kind of long, isn''t It?"
4. "There''s a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around."
5. "You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?"
6. "You shouldn''t work so hard. Take a day off."
7. "Don''t put that there. It will get lost."
8. "You should call a plumber. He''ll know what to do."
9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn''t you make reservations? "
10. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. "
11. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up> "
12. "You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it."
13. "You''re driving too fast. Slow down or you''ll get a ticket."
14. "Next time we should read the movie reviews."
15. "I didn''t know where you were." (You should have called.)
16. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle."
17. "Don''t eat with your fingers. You''re setting a bad example."
18. "Those potato chips are too greasy. They''re not good for your heart."
19. "You are not leaving yourself enough time."
20. "You should give me more [a dvance] notice. 1 can''t just drop everything and go to lunch with you."
21. "Your shirt doesn''t match your pants."
22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?"
23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. 1 can''t find anything. You should organize it."
When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter 12) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again , we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step.
By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
If you are a woman, 1 suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.
If you are a man, 1 suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.

[Meo_mup]

Chapter 3
Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk


One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man''s needs for feeling good are differ ent from a woman''s He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.
Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships. Let''s look at a common example.
When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them.
His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually becomes resentment. Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much, while Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart. You proba bly can recognize this situation because it is just one of many examples where men and women are at odds. This problem is not just Tom and Mary''s but is present in almost every relationship.
Solving this problem for Tom and Mary depends not on how much th ey loved each other but on how much they understood the opposite *********.
Without knowing that women really do need to talk about problems to feel better, Tom would continue to think Mary talked too much and resist listening to her. Without knowing that Tom was reading the news to feel better, Mary would feel ignored and neglected. She would persist in trying to get him to talk when he didn''t want to. These two differences can be resolved by first understanding in greater detail how men and women cope with stress. Let''s again observe life on Mars and Venus and glean some insights about men and women.
COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUSWhen a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him* He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend''s assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to th ink about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave.
If he can''t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.
When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.
On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking "competent" but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.
A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.
FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVEWhen a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.
At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and p reoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work. His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he
is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. Flis mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he Will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.
However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success.
Let''s explore in greater detail a few examples. Ji m commonly uses reading the newspaper to forget his problems. When he reads the paper he is no longer being confronted with the problems of his day. With the 5 percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world''s problems. Gradually his mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own. In this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on
the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible. This process releases his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again.
Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through watching sports he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses , he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems.
For Tom and many men the inevitable release of tension that occurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie provides a release from the tension he feels in his life.

[Meo_mup]

Now Women Read to the Cove


When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn''t know how stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesn''t talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn''t care about her because he isn''t talking to her.
Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his cave, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her.
To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings j ust as it is a mistake to expect a woman''s feelings to always be rational and logical.
When Martians go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man.
She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him. On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings.
Without understanding the validity of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and they argue. These are five common misunderstandings:
1. When she says "You don''t listen," he says "What do you mean 1 don''t listen. 1 can tell you everything you said."
When a man is in the cave he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention.
2. When she says "I feel like you are not even here," he says "What do you mean I''m not here? Of course 1 am here. Don''t you see my body?"
He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn''t say he is not there. However, though his body is present, she doesn''t feel his full presence, and that is what she means.
3. When she says "You don''t care about me," he says "Of course 1 care about you. Why do you think 1 am trying to solve this problem?"
He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention and caring, and that is what she is really asking for.
4. When she says "I feel like I am not important to you," he says "That''s ridiculous. Of courseyou are important."
He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He doesn''t realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores th e problems she is bothered by that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel unimportant.
5. When she says "You have no feelings. You are in your head," he says "What''s wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?"
He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In addition he doesn''t recognize the validity of her feelings Men generally don''t realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his cave a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others.
To increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain.
At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.
FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKINGWhen a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.
As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed.
To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self. When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.
just as a man who is stuck in the cave needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesn''t feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In addition she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others'' problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.

[Meo_mup]

Now Men React When Women Ned to Talk

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn''t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.
Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice.
If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr Fix-It hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In
both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.
If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because Martians themselves feel better with solutions, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. When she doesn''t feel better, he feels
his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated.
On the other hand, if he feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the
more upset she becomes. He doesn''t realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is wise and lust listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well.
Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain:
• "I''m not getting paid enough at work."
• "MY Aunt Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker."
• "Our house just isn''t big enough."
• "This is such a dry season. When is it going to rain.
• "We are almost overdrawn in our bank account."
A woman might make any of the above comments as a way of expressing her worries, disappointments, and frustrations. She may know that nothing more can be done to solve these problems, but to find relief she still needs to talk about them. She feels supported if the listener relates to her frustration and disappointment. She may, however, frustrate her mate partner-unless he understands that she just needs to talk about it and then she will feet better.
Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great detail that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and .becomes impatient. Again he doesn''t realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding.
In addition, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems.
Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. The more details she gives the
more he is frustrated while listening. His frustration is lessened if he can remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. if he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax. just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving
a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense. Women commonly enjoy letting the suspense build because it brings more feeling into the story. Another woman appreciates this buildup, but a man can be easily frustrated.
The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problems. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and
provide her emotional support he discovers that listening Is not so difficult. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesn''t
have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.
NOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACEThe Martians and Venusians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their differences. The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn''t have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive. The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The cave was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.
What the Martians LearnedThe Martians realized that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed, or criticized by the Venusians it was only temporary; soon the Venusians would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, the Martians discovered how much the Venusians really thrived on talking about problems.
Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venusian''s need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In addition he learned
that once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for
solving all her problems.
Many men and even women are very judgmental of the need to talk about problems because they have never experienced how healing it can be. They have not seen how a woman who feels
heard suddenly can change, feel better, and sustain a positive attitude. Generally they have seen how a woman (probably their mother) who did not feel heard continued to dwell on her
problems. This happens to women when they do not feel loved or heard over an extended period of time. The real problem, however, is that she feels unloved, not that she is talking
about problems.
After the Martians learned how to listen they made a most amazing discovery. They began to realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of their caves in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper.
Similarly, as men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good at listening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner. But on days when he is really stressed he may need to. be in his cave and slowly come out by some other distraction, like the news or a competitive sport.
What fin Venusians LearnedThe Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going into his cave was not a sign that he didn''t love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress.
The Venusians were not offended when Martians were easily distracted. When a Venusian talked and a Martian became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there, and
wait for him to notice. Then she would begin talking again. She understood that sometimes it was hard for him to give his full attention. The Venusians discovered tha t by asking for the
Martians'' attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their attention.
When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They. learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When the Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the Martians would more quickly come out of their caves.

[Meo_mup]

Chapter 4

How to Motivate the
Opposite *********
Centuries before the Martians and Venusians got together they had been quite happy living intheir separate worlds. Then one day everything changed. The Martians and Venusians on their
respective planets suddenly became depressed. It was this depression, however, that motivatedthem eventually to come together.
Understanding the secrets of their transformation helps us today to recognize how men andwomen are motivated in different ways. With this new awareness you will be better equippedto support your partner as well as get the support you need at difficult and stressful times. Let''sgo back in time and pretend to witness what happened.
When the Martians became depressed, everyone on the planet left the cities and went totheir caves for a long time. They were stuck and couldn''t come out, until one day when aMartian happened to glimpse the beautiful Venusians through his telescope. As he quicklyshared his telescope, the sight of these beautiful beings inspired the Martians, and theirdepression miraculously lifted. Suddenly they felt needed. They came out of their caves andbegan budding a fleet of spaceships to fly to Venus.
When the Venusians became depressed, to feel better they formed circles and began talkingwith one another about their problems. But this didn''t seem to relieve the depression. They
stayed depressed for a long time until through their intuition they experienced a vision. Strongand wondrous beings (the Martians) would be coming across the universe to love, serve, andsupport them. Suddenly they felt cherished. As they shared their vision their depres sion lifted,and they happily began preparing for the arrival of the Martians.
These secrets of motivation are still applicable. Men are motivated and empowered whenthey feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes
passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On theother hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his
efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When awoman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.
WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN
A man falling in love with a woman is similar to what took place when the first Martian discovered the Venusians. Stuck in his cave and unable to find the source of his depression, he was searching the sky with his telescope. As if he had been struck by lightn ing, in one glorious moment his life was permanently changed. He had glimpsed through his telescope a vision he described as awesome beauty and grace.
He had discovered the Venusians. His body lit on fire. As he watched the Venusians, for the first time in his life he began to care about someone other than himself. From just one glimpse
his life had new meaning. His depression lifted.
Martians have a win/lose philosophy -l want to win, and 1 don''t care if you lose. As long as each Martian took care of himself this formula worked fine. It worked for centuries, but now it
needed to be changed. Giving primarily to themselves was no longer as satisfying. Being in love, they wanted the Venusians to win as much as themselves.
In most sports today we can see an extension of this Martian competitive code. For example, in tennis 1 not only want to win but also try to make my friend lose by making it difficult for him
to return my shots. 1 enjoy winning even though my friend loses.
Most of these Martian attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationships. If I seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.
Differences AttractAfter the first Martian fell in love, he began manufacturing telescopes for all his brother Martians. Very quickly they all came out of their depressions. They too began to feel love for
the Venusians. They started to care about the Venusians as much as themselves.
The strange and beautiful Venusians were a mysterious attraction to the Martians. Their differences especially attracted the Martians Where the Martians were hard, the Venusians
were soft. Where the Martians were angular, the Venusians were round. Where the Martians were cool, the Venusians were warm. In a magical and perfect way their differences seemed to
complement each other.
In an unspoken language the Venusians communicated loud and clear: "We need you. Your power and strength can bring us great fullfill filling a void deep within our being. Together we could five m great happiness." This invitation motivated and
empowered the Martians.
Many women instinctively understand how to give this message. in the beginning of a relationship, a woman gives a man a brief look that says you could he the one to make me
happy. In this subtle way she actually initiates their relationship. This look encourages him to come closer. It empowers him to overcome his fears of having a relationship. Unfortunately,
once they are in a relationship and as the problems begin to emerge, she doesn''t know how important that message still is to him and neglects to send it.
The Martians were very motivated by the possibility of making a difference on Venus. The Martian race was moving to a new level of evolution. They were no longer satisfied by just
proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others, especially in the service of the Venusians. They were beginning to develop a new philosophy, a win/win philosophy. They wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others.
Love Motivates MartiansThe Martians began building a fleet of spaceships that would carry them across the heavens to Venus. They had never felt so alive. Through glimpsing the Venusians, they were beginning to
have unselfish feelings for the first time in their history. Similarly, when a man is in lo ve he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.
When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He is suddenly released from the binding chains of being motivated for himself alone and becomes free to give to another, not for personal gain, but out of caring. He experiences his partner''s fulfillment as if it were his own. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy. His struggles become easier. He is energized with a higher purpose. In his youth he can be satisfied by serving himself alone, but as he matures self-gratification is no longer as satisfying. To experience fulfillment he must begin to live his life motivated by love. Being inspired to give in such a free and selfless way liberates him from the inertia of selfgratification devoid of caring for others. Although he still needs to receive love, his greatest need is to give love.
Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and
stuck in his cave. He stops caring and doesn''t know why he is so depressed.
At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his cave. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesn''t know that he has stopped
caring because he doesn''t feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.
When a man doesn''t feel he is making a positive difference in someone else''s fife, it is hard for him to continue caring about his fife and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he
is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MANA woman falling in love with a man is similar to what took place when the first Venusian believed that the Martians were coming. She dreamed that a fleet of spaceships from the heavens would land and a race of strong and caring Martians would emerge. These beings would not need nurturing but instead wanted to provide for and take care of the Venusians.
These Martians were very devoted and were inspired by the Venusian beauty and culture. The Martians recognized that their power and competence were meaningless without someone to
serve. These wondrous and admirable beings had found relief and inspiration in the promise of servin g, pleasing, and fulfilling the Venusians. What a miracle! Other Venusians had similar dreams and instantly came out of their depressions. The
realization that transformed the Venusians was the belief that help was on the way because the Martians were coming. The Venusians had been depressed because they felt isolated and
alone. To come out of depression they needed to feel that loving help was on the way.
Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a
woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.
Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men don''t realize this because their Martian
instincts tell them it''s best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.
Through sharing her feelings she begins to remember that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled. Doubt and mistrust melt away. Her tendency to be compulsive relaxes
as she remembers that she is worthy of love-she doesn''t have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.
Tee Mad Giving Is TiringTo deal with their depression the Venusians were busy sharing their feelings and talking about their problems. As they talked they discovered the cause of their depression. They were tired of
giving so much all the time. They resented always feeling respon sible for one another. They wanted to relax and just be taken care of for a while. They were tired of sharing everything
with others. They wanted to be special and possess things that were their own. No longer were they satisfied being martyrs and living for others.
On Venus, they lived by lose/win philosophy-"I lose so that you can win." As long as everyone made sacrifices for others, then everyone was taken care of. But after doing this for centuries
the Venusians were fired of always caring about one another and sharing everything. They also were ready for a win/win philosophy.
Similarly, many women today are also tired of giving. They want time off. Time to explore being themselves. Time to care about themselves first. They want someone to provide emotional support, someone they don ''t ''have to take care of. The Martians fit the bill perfectly.
At this point the Martians were learning to give while the Venusians were now ready to learn how to receive. After centuries the Venusians and Martians had reached an important stage in their evolution. The Venusians needed to learn how to receive while the Martians needed to learn
how to give.
This same change commonly takes place In men and women as they mature. In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and mold herself to fulfill her partner''s needs.
In a man''s younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others.
As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he can bet-ter serve and respect others.
As a man matures he also learns that he may be giving up himself, but his major change is becoming more aware of how he can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman matures she also learns new strategies for giving, but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.
Giving UP BlameWhen a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she has received. Although she has not received what she deserved, to improve her relationships she needs to recognize how she contributed to the problem. When a woman gives too much she should not
blame her par tner. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. In both cases, blaming does not work.
Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be cornpassionate and offer his support even if she doesn''t ask for It, listen to "0 her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares.
Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partner''s imperfections, especially when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when lie
doesn''t offer his support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

[Meo_mup]

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS
Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to
keep it even by regulating how much she gives.
Let''s look at an example. Jim was thirty -nine and his wife, Susan, was fortyone when they came for counseling. Susan wanted a divorce. She complained that she had been giving more than he had for twelve years and could not take it any more. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was ready to leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six -month period they were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they are happily married with three children''.
Step 1: MotivationI explained to Jim that his wife was experienc ing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If he wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated
to work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, 1 encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have a loving relationship.
Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and feel that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan fel t understood, they were
able to proceed to the next step.
Step 2: ResponsibilityThe second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized
for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and
invalidating feelings), she had not set her boundaries .
Although she did not need to apologize, she did acknowledge some responsibility for their problems. As she gradually accepted that her inability to set limits and her tendency to give more had contributed to their problems, she was able to be more. forgiving. Taking responsibility for her problem was essential to releasing her resentment. In this way they both were motivated to learn new ways of supporting each other through respecting limits.
Step 3: PracticeJim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful
way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced:
* Susan practiced saying "I don''t like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or 1 will leave the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn''t need to do it anymore. ( When Jim
would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying "No, 1 need to relax" or "No, I''m too busy today." She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he understood how busy or tired she was. * Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his schedule and wanted to go. * When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying "I''m not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less.)
Susan''s most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, "Why should I have to ask, after all 1 have done for him?" I explained that making him responsible
for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled. * Jim''s most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married.
He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice.
As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behavior patterns and to start
making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and
receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.
LEARNING TO RECEIVESetting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Rejection, judgment, and abandonment
are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs, or wishes.
A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn''t deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more
vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. A part of
her imagines that she will not be supported. Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the- support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn''t trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she
doesn''t trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation, and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing
that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.
"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately
needing support because you don''t trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.
For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.
New the Venusians L~ to Feel WorthyFor centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they
did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy.
After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support.
This process of giving to others prepared them for the wisdom of selfesteem. Through giving to others they came to see that others truly were worthy of receiving, and thus they began to see
that everyone deserved to be loved. Then, finally, they saw that they too deserved to receive.
Here on Earth, when a little girl experiences her mother receiv ing love, then automatically she feels worthy. She is able easily to overcome the Venusian compulsion to give too much. She
doesn''t have to overcome a fear of receiving because she identifies so closely with her mother.
If her mother has learned this wisdom then the child automatically learns it through observing and feeling her mother. If the mother is open to receive, then the child learns how to receive.
The Venusians, however, did not have role models, so it took them thousands of years to give up their compulsive giving. Through gradually seeing that others were worthy of receiving,
they realized that they also were worthy of receiving. At that magical moment the Martians also went through a transformation and began building spaceships.
Who the Venusian Is Ready the Martian Will Appear When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her ten years of overgiving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. She may feel something like this: "I have given to you and you have ignored me. You had your chance. I deserve better. I can''t trust you. I am too tired, 1 have nothing left to give. I will not let you hurt me again."
Repeatedly, when this is the case, I have assured women that they don''t have to give more to have a better relationship. Their partner actually will give them more if they give less. When a
man has been ignoring her needs, it is as though they have both been asleep. When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.
Predictably, her partner will wake up from his passive state and truly make many of the changes she requires. When she is no longer giving too much, because she is feeling worthy inside herself, he comes out of his cave and starts building spaceships to come and make her happy. It may take him a while actually to learn to give her more, but the most important step is taken-he is aware that he has neglected her and he wants to change.
It also works the other way around. Usually when a man realizes that he is unhappy and wants more romance and love in his life, his wife will suddenly begin to open up and love him again.
The walls of resentment begin to melt, and love comes back to life. If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentments, but it is possible. In
chapter 11, 1 will discuss easy and practical techniques to heal these resentmen ts.
Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. This predictable coincidence is one of those magical things about life. When the student is ready the
teacher appears. When the question is asked then the answer is heard. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available. When the Venusians were ready to
receive, the Martians were ready to give.
LEARNING TO GIVEA man''s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Success, achievement, and efficiency are foremost in his life. Before they discovered the Venusians, the Martians were so concerned with these qualities that they didn''t care abou t anything or anybody else. A man appears most uncaring when he is afraid.
just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.
To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction, and disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough.
This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time he thought he was expected to do better. When his accomplishments went unnoticed or were unappreciated, deep in his unconscious he began forming the incorrect belief that he was not good enough.
A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It gener- ates within him the fear of failing. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn''t try. If his biggest fear is inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks. Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most.
When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His most automatic defensive response is to say "I don''t care." For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough and that they could succeed in giving. They then discovered the Venusians.
Although they had always been good enough, the process of proving their power prepared them for the wisdom of self-esteem. Through becoming successful and then looking back, they realized that their every failure was necessary to achieve their later successes. Every mistake had taught them a very important lesson rice~ to achieve their goals. Thus they realized they had always been good enough.
It Is OK to Make MistakesThe first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesn''t have to have all the answers.
I remember the story of a woman who complained that her partner would never make a commitment to marriage. To her it seemed that he did not care as much as she did. One day,
however, she happened to say that she was so happy being with him. Even if they were poor, she would want to be with him. The next day he proposed. He needed the acceptance and
encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared.
Martians Need Love TooJust as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don''t get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, be feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don''t realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.
A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He
is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn''t deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best.
He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best.
He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes.
He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her.
Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any
training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a food training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.

[Meo_mup]

Chapter 5
Speaking
Different Languages


When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication. Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn''t start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand each other more fully. If that didn''t work they went to a translator for help.
You see the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. SO when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and
acceptance that we rarely experience today.
EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATIONEven today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual
information.
TO fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they
misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are fisted, as well as how a man might
respond unsupportively.
TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETEDWomen -M things like this Men respond like this
"We never go out." "That''s not true. We went out last week."
"Everyone ignores me." "I''m sure some people notice you."
Women My things like this Men respond like this
"I am so fired, 1 can''t do anything.,'' "That''s ridiculous. You are not he~"
"I want to forget everything." "If you don''t like your Job, then
quit."
"The house is always a mess." "It''s not always a mess."
"No one listens to me anymore." "But 1 am listening to you right
now."
"Nothing is working." "Are you saying it is my fault?"
"You don''t love me anymore." "Of course 1 do. That''s why
I''m here."
"We are always in a hurry." "We are not. Friday we were
relaxed. "
"I want more romance." "Are you saying 1 am not
romantic?"
You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman''s words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man''s responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is:
"I don''t feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!
A man''s literal translation of "I don''t feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a
woman saying "I don''t feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: -I feel as though you don''t fully understand what 1 really mean to say or care about how 1 feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what 1 have to say?"
If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue
less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally m isunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard.
Because many men don''t understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner''s feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.
WHEN VENUSIANS TALKThe following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond.
You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn''t directly ask for that support because on
Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request.
In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.
The Venusian/Martinn Phrase Dictionary"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and 1 love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we
went out."
Without this translation, when a woman says "We never go out" a man may hear "You are n ot doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything
together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring."
"Everyone ignores me" translated into Martian means "Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I''m sure some people see me, but
they don''t seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. 1 really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like 1 am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special 1 am to you?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "Everyone ignores me" a man may hear "I am so unhappy. I just can''t get the attention 1 need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even you
don''t notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed.
You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way."
"I am so tired, I can''t do anything" translated into Martian means "I have been doing so much today. 1 really need a rest before I can do anything more. 1 am so lucky to have your support.
Would you give me a hug and reassure me that 1 am doing a good Job and that I deserve a rest?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "I am so tired, I can''t do anything" a man may hear "I do everything and you do
nothing. You should do more. I can''t do it all. I feel so hopeless. I want a ''real man'' to live with.
Picking you was a big mistake."
"I want to forget everything" translated into Martian means "I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. 1 would love to do something really nurturing for myself before 1 have to be responsible again. Would you ask me ''What''s the matter?'' and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? 1 just want to feel you
understanding the pressures 1 feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax.
Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things."
Without this translation, when a woman says "I want to forget everything" a man may hear "I have to do so much that I don''t want to do. 1 am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I
want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job."
"This house is always a mess" translated into Martian means "Today 1 feel like relaxing, but the
house is so messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don''t expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "This house is always a mess" a man may hear
"This house is a mess because of you. 1 do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don''t want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!
"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I am afraid 1 am boring to you.
I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? 1 would love it. I''ve had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what 1 have to say.
"Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: ''What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?''
Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: ''Tell me more'' or ''That''s right'' or ''I know what you mean'' or ''I understand.'' Or just listen, and
occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: ''oh,"humph,"uh -huh,'' and ''hmmm."'' (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)
Without this translation, when a woman says "No one listens to me anymore" he may hear "I give you my attention but you don''t listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring
person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitel y not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."
"Nothing is working" translated into Martian means "Today 1 am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it
seems like nothing 1 do works. 1 know that this is not true, but 1 sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I
am doing a great job. It would sure feel good."
Without this translation, when a woman says "Nothing is working" a man may hear "You never do anything right. I can''t trust you. If I hadn''t listened to you I wouldn''t be in this mess.
Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse."

[Meo_mup]

"You don''t love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as though you don''t love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today 1 am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good."
Without this translation, when a woman says "You don''t love me anymore" a man may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are
selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now 1 have nothing."
"We are always in a hurry" translated into Martian means "I feel so rushed today. I don''t like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody''s fault and I certainly don''t
blame you. 1 know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care.
"Would you empathize with me and say something like, ''It is hard always rushing around. 1 don''t always like rushing either.`
Without this translation, when a woman says "We are always in a hurry" a man may hear "You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last minute to do everything. I can never be happy
when I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am so much happier when I am not around you."
"I want more romance" translated into Martian means "Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Lees take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced."
Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You don''t satisfy me anymore. 1 am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely
inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. 1 wish you were more like other men I have been with."
After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn''t need to pick it up each time he feels blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that
these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women express feeling more fully. That''s the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to
remember that!
WHEN MARTIANS DON''T TALKOne of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and
support a man when he isn''t talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.
Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn''t hear
what''s being said and that is why he is not responding.
You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman
often dis covers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This
process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.
But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they
figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it.
This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.
Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I don''t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead what they hear is "I am not responding to you because 1
don''t care about you and 1 am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding."
Now She Reacts to His Silence
Women misinterpret a man''s silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst-"He hates me, he doesn''t love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then 1 will never be loved. 1 don''t deserve to be loved."
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn''t
want to talk to a person because she didn''t trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with hirn. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!
When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will
reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like "oh, uh-huh, hmmm, ah, ah-ha, or humph."
Without these reassuring responses, a man''s silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man''s cave, women can learn to interpret a man''s silence correctly, and to
respond to it.
Understanding the Cove
Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to
his "cave" to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man''s best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that
they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.
This lesson is difficult for women because on Venus one of the golden rules was never to abandon a friend when she was upset. It just doesn''t seem loving to abandon her favorite
Martian when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his cave and offer him help.
In addition, she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about how he is feeling and he a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians
more. She instinctively wants to support hirn in the way that she would want to be supported.
Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive.
Both men and women need to stop offering the method of ca ring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react.


Why Men 66 bite Their C~Men go into their caves or become quiet for a variety of reasons.
1. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem.
2. He doesn''t have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, 1 don''t have an answer. 1 need to go into my cave and find one." Other men assume he is doing
just that when he becomes quiet.
3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn''t want to do or say anything he might regret.
4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love.
At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so
as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the cave. As a result they are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again.Why Women TalkWomen talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop talking. These are four common reasons that women talk:
1. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.)
2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.)
3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his cave he has a chance to cool off.)
4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A
Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.)
Without this vital understanding of our differences and needs it is easy to see why couples struggle so much in relationships.
Getting Burned by the Dragon It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready.
While discussing this topic in one of my seminars. a Native American shared that in her tribe mothers would instruct young women getting married to remember that when a man was upset or stressed he would withdraw into his cave. She was not to take it personally because it would happen from time to time. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he
would come back. But most important they warned the young woman never to follow him into his cave. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the cave.
Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just haven''t understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset.
When a man withdraws into his cave a woman just doesn''t understand what is happening. She naturally tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and getting him to talk about it.
She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she
unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering you, what is it?"
He says "It''s nothing."
She asks "It''s not nothing. Something''s bothering you. What are you feeling?"
He says "Look, I''m fine. Now leave me alone!"
She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am 1 supposed to know what you are feeling? You don''t love me. 1 feel so rejected by you."
At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and hums her.
WHEN MARTIANS DO TALKWomen get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man''s introspective time but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that he is either in
his cave or on his way to the cav e. When asked "What''s the matter?" a Martian will say something brief like "It''s nothing" or "I am OK."
These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I am upset and 1 need some time to be alone," men just become quiet.
In the following chart six commonly expressed abbreviated warning signals are fisted as well as how a woman might unknowingly respond in an intrusive and unsupportive manner:

[Meo_mup]

SIX COMMON ABBREVIATED WARNING SIGNALSWhen a woman asks "What''s the matter?"
A Man -Ms A woman M respond
"I''m OK" or "It''s OK.'' "I know something''s wrong.
What is it?"
"I''m fine" or "It''s fine." "But you seem upset. Let''s talk."
"It''s nothing." "I want to help. I know something is
bothering you. What is it?"
"It''s all right" or "I''m all right." "Are you sure? 1 am happy to help
you."
"It''s no big deal." "But something is upsetting you. I
think we should talk. "
"It''s no problem." "But it is a problem. I could help."
When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent
acceptance or space. At times like this, to avoid misinterpretation and unnecessary panic, the
Venusians consulted their Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary. Without this assistance,
women misinterpret these abbreviated expressions.
Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he
really means, which is "I am OK because 1 can deal with this alone. 1 do not need any help.
Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself."
Without this translation, when he is upset and says "I am OK" it sounds to her as if he is
denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by askin g questions or talking
about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an
abbreviated language. The following are excerpts from their phrase dictionary.
The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary
"I''m OK" translated into Venusian means "I am OK, I can deal with my upset. 1 don''t need any
help, dunk you."
Without this translation, when he says "I am M'' she may hear "I am not upset because I do not
care" or she may hear -1 am not willing to share with you my upset feelings. 1 do not trust you
to be there for me."
"Im fine" translated into Venusian means "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my
upset or problem. I don''t need any help. If I do I will ask."
Without this translation, when he says "I am fine" she may hear "I don''t care about what has
happened. This problem is not important to me. Even if it upsets you, I don''t care."
"It''s nothing" translated into Venusian means "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle
alone. Please don''t ask any more questions about it."
Without this translation, when he says "Nothing is bothering me" she may hear "I don''t know
what is bothering me. I need you to ask me questions to assist me in discovering what is
happening." At this point she proceeds to anger him by asking questions when he really wants
to be left alone.
"It''s all right" translated into Venusian means ''This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can
resolve this within myself if you don''t interrupt my process by asking more questions or
offering suggestions. just act
like it didn''t happen and I can process it within myself more effectively."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s all right" she may hear "This is the way it is
supposed to be. Nothing needs to be changed. You can abuse me and 1 can abuse you" or she
hears "It''s all right this time, but remember it is your fault. You can do this once but don''t do it
again or else. "
"It''s no big deal" translated into Venusian means "It is no big deal because 1 can make things
work again. Please don''t dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more
upset. 1 accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s no big deal" she may hear "You are making a big
deal out of nothing. What concerns you is not important. Don''t overreact."
"It''s no problem" translated into Venusian means "I have no problem doing this or solving this
problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s no problem" she may hear ''This is not a problem.
Why are you making it a problem or asking for help?" She then mistakenly explains to him
why it is a problem.
Using this Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary can assist women in understanding what men
really mean when they abbreviate what they are saying. Sometimes what he is really saying is
the opposite of what she hears.
WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS CAVE
In my seminars when 1 explain about caves and dragons, women want to know how they can
shorten the time men spend in their
caves. At this point 1 ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to
get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes.
Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the cave when 1 feel my mate
disapproves of the time I spend in th e cave." To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave
has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out.
When a man goes into his cave he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his
problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There
are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. (Giving him this support will
also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.)
Now to Supped a Man in His Cove
1. Don''t disapprove of his need for withdrawing.
2. Don''t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don''t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don''t sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.
5. Don''t worry about him or feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that makes you happy.
If you need to "talk," write him a letter to he read later when he is out, and if you need to be
nurtured, talk to a friend. Don''t make him the sole source of your fulfillment.
A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that be can handle what is bothering him. To be
trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self-esteem.
Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express
their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person
you love is
upset just doesn''t seem right. He certainly doesn''t want her to be happy because he is upset, but
he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to
worry about. In addition he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her.
When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out.
Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions "How can you worry about
someone whom you admire and trust?" Men commonly support one another by saying phrases
such as "Don''t worry, you can handle it" or "That''s their problem, not yours" or "I''m sure it will
work out." Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles.
It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was
upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her
concerns. This only made her more upset.
When a man goes into his cave he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or
not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that
she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave.
Anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him. These are some
examples:
Read a book Call a girlfriend for a
Listen to music good chat
Work in the garden Write in a journal
Exercise Go shopping
Get a massage Pray or meditate
listen to self- Go for a walk
improvement tapes Take a bubble bath
Treat yourself to See a therapist
something delicious Watch TV or a video
The Martians also recommended that the Venusians do sornething enjoyable. It was hard to
conceive of being happy when a friend was hurting, but the Venusians did find a way. Every
time their favorite Martian went into his cave, they would go shopping or out on some other
pleasing excursion. Venusians love to shop. My wife, Bonnie, sometimes uses this technique.
When she sees I am in my cave, she goes shopping. I never feel like 1 have to apologize for my
Martian side. When she can take care of herself I feel OK taking care of myself and going into
my cave. She trusts that I will come back and be more loving.
She knows that when I go into my cave is not the right time to talk. When I begin showing
signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the cave, and it is then a time to
talk. Sometimes she will casually say, "When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some
time together Would you let me know when?" In this way she can test the waters without being
pushy or demanding.

[Meo_mup]

NOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIAN
Even when they are out of the cave men want to be trusted. They don''t like unsolicited advice
or empathy They need to prove themselves. Being able to accomplish things without the help
of others is a feather in their cap. (While. for a woman, when someone assists her, having a
supportive relationship is a feather in her cap.) A man feels supported when a woman
communicates in a way that says "I trust you to handle things unless you directly ask for help."
Learning to support men in this way can be very difficult in the beginning. Many women feel
that the only way they can get what they need in a relationship is to criticize a man when he
makes mistakes and to offer unsolicited advice. Without a role model of a mother who knew
how to receive support from a man, it does not occur to women that they can encourage a man
to give more by directly asking for support-without being critical or offering advice. In
addition, if he behaves in a manner that she does not like she can
simply and directly tell him that she doesn''t like his behavior, without casting judgment that
he is wrong or bad.


Now to Approach a Man With Criticism or Advice
Without an understanding of how they are turning men off with unsolicited advice and
criticism, many women feel powerless to get what they need and want from a man. Nancy was
frustrated in her relationships. She said, "I still don''t know how to approach a man with
criticism and advice. What if his table manners are atrocious or he dresses really, really badly?
What if he''s a nice guy but you see he''s got a pattern of behaving with people in a way that
makes him look like a jerk and that''s causing him trouble In relationships with others? What
should 1 do? No matter how I tell him, he gets angry or defensive or just ignores me."
The answer is that she should definitely not offer criticism or advice unless he asks. Instead,
she should try giving him loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. As he begins
to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her
demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate
relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support.
In addition to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what
she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again
without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity" These are
four possible approaches:
1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn''t We the way he dresses without giving him a lecture
on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed "I don''t like that shirt on you.
Would you wear another one tonight?" If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should
respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say "I''m sorry -I didn''t mean to tell you how to
dress."
2. If he is that sensitive-and some men are-then she could try talking about it at another time.
She could say "Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? 1 didn''t like that
combination. Would you try wearing it with your gray slacks?"
3. She could directly ask "Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick
out an outfit for you." If he says no, then she can be sure that he doesn''t want any more
mothering. If he says yes, be sure not to offer too much advice. Remember his sensitivities.
4. She could say "There is something I want to talk about but I don''t know how to say it.
[Pause.] I don''t want to offend you, but 1 also really want to say it. Would you listen and then
suggest to me a better way I could say it?" This helps him to prepare himself for the shock and
then he happily discovers that it is not such a big deal.
Let''s explore another example. If she doesn''t like his table manners and they are alone, she
could say (without a disapproving look) "Would you use your silverware?" or "Would you
drink from your glass?" If, however, you are in front of others, it is wise to say nothing and not
even notice. Another day you could say "Would you use your silverware when we eat in front
of the kids?" or "When you eat with your fingers, I hate it. I get so picky about these little
things. When you eat with me, would you use your silverware?"
If he behaves in a way that embarrasses you, wait for a time when no one else is around and
then share your feelings. Don''t ten him how he "should behave" or that he is wrong; instead
share honest feelings in a loving and brief way. You could say "The other night at the party, 1
didn''t like it when you were so loud. When I''m around, would you try to keep it down?" If he
gets upset and
doesn''t like this comment, then simply apologize for being critical.
This art of giving negative feedback and asking for support is discussed thoroughly in chapters
9 and 12. In addition, the best times for having these conversations is explored in the next
chapter.


When a Man Doesn''t Need Help
A man may start to feel smothered when a woman tries to comfort him or help him solve a
problem. He feels as though she doesn''t trust him to handle his problems. He may feel
controlled, as if she is treating him like a child, or he may feel she wants to change him.
This doesn''t mea n that a man does not need comforting love. Women need to understand that
they are nurturing him when they abstain from offering unsolicited advice to solve his
problems. He needs her loving support but in a different way than she thinks. To withhold
correcting a man or trying to improve him are ways to nurture him. Giving advice can be
nurturing only if he directly as s for it.
A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. If he receives too
much assistance or receives it too soon, he will lose his sense of power and strength. He
becomes either lazy or insecure. Instinctively men support one another by not offering advice
or help unless specifically approached and asked.
In coping with problems, a man knows he has to first go a certain distance by himself, and then
if he needs help he can ask for it without losing his strength, power, and dignity. To offer help
to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult.
When a man is carving the turkey for Thanksgiving and his partner keeps offering advice on
how and what to cut, he feels mistrusted. He resists her and is determined to do it his way on
his own. On the other hand, if a man offers her assistance in cutting the turkey she feels loved
and cared for.
When a woman suggests that her husband follow the advice of some expert, he may be
offended. I remember one woman asking me why her husband got so angry at her. She
explained to me that before
********* she had asked him if he had reviewed his notes from a taped lecture b y me on the secrets of
great *********. She didn''t realm this was the ultimate insult to him. Although he had appreciated the
tapes, he didn''t want her telling him what to do by reminding him to follow my advice. He
wanted her to trust that he knew what to do!
While men want to be trusted, women want caring. When a man says to a woman "What''s the
matter, honey?" with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a
woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man "What''s the matter, honey?" he may
feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn''t trust him to handle things.
It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be
pitied. A woman may say "I am so sorry I hurt you." He will say "It was no big deal" and push
away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say "I''m sorry I hurt you." She then
feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways
to show they trust.


Too Much Caring Is Smothering
When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar,
she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left.
Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn''t left enough time to catch
my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn''t feel it. I felt offended. I
had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never
missed a plane.
Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have
your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do
you know
where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but 1 felt mistrusted and was annoyed.
Eventually I let her know that 1 appreciated her loving intention but that 1 didn''t like being
mothered in this way.
1 shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way 1 wanted to be mothered was
to be unconditionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don''t tell me ''I told you so.''
Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving
kit, let me deal with it. Don''t tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted,
instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her to succeed in supporting me.

[Meo_mup]

A Success StoryOnce, on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, 1 called back to California from
New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. She reacted in such a
beautiful and loving way. She didn''t lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she
laughed and said, "Oh my goodness, john, you have such adventures. What are you going to
do? "
1 asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, and the problem was solved. She was
so cooperative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was
even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem.
MAKING LITTLE CHANGESOne day 1 noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no
problem." It was my way of saying 1 would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked
me one day, "Why do you always say ''no problem''?" 1 didn''t actually know right away. After a
while 1 realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new
awareness 1 started saying "I would be happy to do that." This phrase expressed my implied
message and certainly felt more loving to my Venusian daughter.
NOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAMEA man commonly feels attacked and blamed by a woman''s feelings, especially when she is
upset and talks about problems. Because he doesn''t understand how we are different, he
doesn''t readily relate to her need to talk about all of her feelings.
He mistaken ly assumes she is telling him about her feelings because she thinks he is somehow
responsible or to be blamed. Because she is upset and she is talking to him, he assumes she is
upset with him. When she complains he hears blame. Many men don''t understand th e
(Venusian) need to share upset feelings with the people they love.
With practice and an awareness of our differences, women can learn how to express their
feelings without having them sound like blaming. To reassure a man that he is not being
blamed, when A woman expresses her feelings she could pause after a few minutes of sharing
and tell him how much she appreciates him for listening.
She could say some of the following comments:
• "I''m sure glad I can talk about it."
• "It sure feels good to talk about it."
• "I''m feeling so relieved that 1 can talk about this."
• "I''m sure glad 1 can complain about all this. It makes me feel so much better."
• "Well, now that I''ve talked about it, 1 feel much better. Thank you."
This simple change can make a world of difference.
In this same vein, as she describes her problems she can support him by appreciating the
things he has done to make her life easier and more fulfilling. For example, if she is
complaining about work, occasionally she could mention that it is so nice to have him in her
life to come home to; if she is complaining about the house, then she could mention that she
appreciates that he fixed the fence; or if she is complaining about finances, mention that she
really appreciates
how hard he works; or if she is complaining about the frustrations of being a parent, she could
mention that she is glad she has his help.
Sharing ResponsibilityGood communication requires participation on both sides. A man needs to work at
remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a
woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A
woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him.
For example, my wife just came in and asked how I was doing on this chapter. 1 said, "I''m
almost done. How was your day?"
She said, "Oh, there is so much to do. We hardly have any time together." The old me would
have become defensive and then reminded her of all the time we have spent together, or 1
would have told her how important it was to meet. my deadline. This would have just created
tension.
The new me, aware of our differences, understood she was looking for reassurance and
understanding and not justifications and explanations. I said, "You''re right, we have been
really busy. Sit down here on my lap, let me give you a hug. It''s been a long day."
She then said, "You feel really good." This was the appreciation I needed in order to be more
available to her. She then proceeded to complain more about her day and how exhausted she
was. After a few minutes she paused. 1 then offered to drop off the babysitter so she could relax
and meditate before dinner.
She said, "Really, you''ll take the babysitter home? That would be great. Thank you!" Again she
gave me the appreciation and acceptance 1 needed to feel like a successful partner, even when
she was tired and exhausted.
Women don''t think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she
appreciates being heard. He doesn''t know. When she is talking about problems, he
needs to be reassured that he is still loved and appreciated.
Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By
appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping.
A woman does not have to suppress her feelings or even change them to support her partner.
She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesn''t make him feel attacked, accused,
or blamed. Making a few small changes can make a big difference.
Four Magic Words of SupportThe four magic words to support a man are "It''s not your fault." When a woman is expressing
her upset feelings she can support a man by pausing occasionally to encourage him by saying "I
really appreciate your listening, and if this sounds as if I''m saying it''s your fault, that''s not
what 1 mean. It''s not your fault."
A woman can learn to be sensitive to her listener when she understands his tendency to start
feeling like a failure when he hears a lot of problems.
just the other day my sister called me and talked about a difficult experience that she was going
through. As 1 listened 1 kept remembering that to support my sister 1 didn''t have to give her
any solutions. She needed someone just to listen. After ten minutes of just listening and
occasionally saying things like "uh-huh," "oh," and "ready!" she then said, "Well, thank you,
john. I feel so much better."
It was much easier to hear her because I knew she was not blaming me. She was blaming
someone else. 1 find it more difficult when my wife is unhappy because it is easier for me to
feel blamed. However, when my wife encourages me to listen by appreciating me, it becomes
much easier to be a good listener.
What to Do When You Feel Like BlamingReassuring a man that it is not his fault or that he is not being blamed works only as long as
she truly is not blaming him, disap
proving of him, or criticizing hirn. If she is attacking him, then she should share her feelings
with someone else. She should wait until she is more loving and centered to talk to him. She
could share her resentful feelings with someone she is not upset with, who will be able to give
her the support she needs. Then when she feels more loving and forgiving she can successfully
approach him to share her feelings. In chapter 11 we will explore in greater detail how to
communicate difficult feelings.
Now to Listen Without BlamingA man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about
problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication.
Imagine a woman saying "All we ever do is work, work, work. We don''t have any fun anymore.
You are so serious." A man could very easily feel she is blaming him.
If he feels blamed, I suggest he not blame back and say "I feel like you are blaming me."
Instead 1 suggest saying "It is difficult to hear you say I am so serious. Are you saying it is all
my fault that we don''t have more fun?"
Or he could say "It hurts when I hear you say I am so serious and we don''t have any fun. Are
you saying that it is all my fault?"
In addition, to improve the communication he can give her a way out. He could say "It feels like
you are saying it is all my fault that we work so much. Is that true?"
Or he could say "When you say we don''t have any fun and that 1 am so serious, 1 feel like you
are saying it is all my fault. Are you?"
All of these responses are respectful and give her a chance to take back any blame that he might
have felt. When she says "Oh, no, I''m not saying it''s all your fault" he will probably feel
somewhat relieved.
Another approach that 1 find most helpful is to remember that she always has a right to be
upset and that once she gets it out, she
will feel much better. This awareness allows me to relax and remember that if 1 can listen
without taking it personally, then when she needs to complain she will be so appreciative of
me. Even if she was blaming me, she will not hold on to it.
The An of ListeningAs a man learns to listen and interpret a woman''s feelings correctly, communication becomes
easier. As with any art, listening requires practice. Each day when I get home, 1 will generally
seek out Bonnie and ask her about her day, thus practicing this art of listening.
If she is upset or has had a stressful day, at first I will feel that she is saying I am somehow
responsible and thus to blame. My greatest challenge is to not take it personally, to not
misunderstand her. 1 do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different
languages. As 1 continue to ask "What else happened?" I find that there are many other things
bothering her. Gradually I start to see that 1 am not solely responsible for her upset. After a
while, when she begins to appreciate me for listening, then, even if I was partially responsible
for her discomfort, she becomes very grateful, accepting, and loving.
Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed
to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to
listen. Instead he could kindly say "This isn''t a good time for me. Let''s talk later."
Sometimes a man doesn''t realize that he can''t listen until she begins talking. If he becomes
very frustrated, while listening he should not try to continue-he''ll just become increasingly
upset. That does not serve him or her. Instead, the respectful thing to say is "I really want to
hear what you are saving, but right now it is very difficult for me to listen. I think 1 need some
time to think about what you have just said."
As Bonnie and 1 have learned to communicate in a way that respects our differences and
understand each other''s needs, our marriage has become so much easier. I have witnessed this
same trans
formation in thousands of individuals and couples. Relationships thrive when communication
reflects a ready acceptance and respect of people''s innate differences.
When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time
necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it.

[Meo_mup]

Chapter 6Men Are

Like Rubber Bands




Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come

springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle.

This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.

Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he

needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is

not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.

Women misinterpret a man''s pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different

reasons. She pulls back when she doesn''t trust him to understand her feelings, when she has

been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and

disappointed her.

Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has

done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her; and then suddenly he begins to pull away.

Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully

stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then

suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will he more

motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up

the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn''t feel

any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

If understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but because it is misunderstood

it creates unnecessary problems. Let''s explore an example.

Maggie was distressed, anxious, and confused. She and her boyfriend, jeff, had been dating for

six months. Everything had been so romantic. Then without any apparent reason he began to

distance himself emotionally. Maggie could not understand why he had suddenly pulled away.

She told me, "One minute he was so attentive, and then the next he didn''t even want to talk to

me. 1 have tried everything to get him back but it only seems to make matters worse. He seems

so distant. 1 don''t know what I did wrong. Am 1 so awful?"

When jeff pulled away, Maggie took it personally. This is a common reaction. She thought she

had done something wrong and blamed herself. She wanted to make things "right again," but

the more she tried to get close to Jeff the more he pulled away.

After taking my seminar Maggie was so relieved. Her anxiety and confusion immediately

disappeared. Most important, she stopped blaming herself. She realized that when Jeff pulled

away it was not her fault. In addition she learned why he was pulling away and how gracefully

to deal with it. Months later at another seminar, Jeff thanked me for what Maggie had learned.

He told me they were now engaged to be married. Maggie had discovered a secret that few

women know about men.

Maggie realized that when she was trying to get close while Jeff was trying to pull away, she

was actually preventing him from stretching his full distance and then springing back. By

running after him, she was preventing him from ever feeling that he needed her and wanted to

be with her. She realized that she had done this in every relationship. Unknowingly she had

obstructed an important cycle. By trying to maintain intimacy she had prevented it.

Now a Man Is Suddenly Transformed

If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong

desire to be dose. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous

intimacy or "run after" their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost

always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own

passionate longing for love.

In my seminars I demonstrate this with a big rubber band. Imagine that you are holding a

rubber band. Now begin stretching your rubber band by pulling it to your right. This particular

rubber band can stretch twelve inches. When the rubber band is stretched twelve inches there

is nowhere left to go but back. And when it returns it has a lot of power and spring.

Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power

and spring. Once he pulls away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. Flis

whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his

partner (while he was pulling away) suddenly cannot live

without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his

desire to love and be loved have been reawakened.

This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away,

becoming intimate again reqw''res a period of reacquaintance. If she doesn''t understand that

men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for

intimacy and push him away.

Men also need to understand this difference. When a man springs back, before a woman can

open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This

transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain

the same level of intimacy-especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away. Without this

understanding of differences, a man may become impatient because he is suddenly available to

pick up the intimacy at whatever level of intensity it was when he pulled away and she is not.

Why Men Pull Away

Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their

need for intimacy. Automatically when he begins to pull away, she begins to panic. What she

doesn''t realize is that when he pulls away and fulfills his need for autonomy then suddenly he

will want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and

autonomy.

For example, in the beginning of his relationship Jeff was strong and full of desire. His rubber

band was fully stretched. He wanted to impress her, fulfill her, please her, and get close to her.

As he succeeded she also wanted to get closer. As she opened her heart to him he got closer and

closer. When they achieved intimacy he felt won

derful. But after a brief period a change took place.

Imagine what happens to the rubber band. The rubber band becomes limp. Its power and

stretch are gone. There is no longer any movement. This is exactly what happens to a man''s

desire to get close after intimacy has been achieved.

Even though this closeness is fulfilling to a man, he will inevitably begin to go through an

inner shift. He will begin to feel the urge to pull away. Having temporarily fulfilled his hunger

for intimacy, he now feels his hunger to be independent, to be on his own. Enough of this

needing another person. He may feel he has become too dependent or may not know why he

feels a need to pull away.

Why Women Panic

As Jeff instinctively pulls away without any explanation to Maggie (or to himself), Maggie

reacts with fear. She panics and runs after him. She thinks she has done something wrong and

has turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to reestablish intimacy. She is afraid he

will never come back.

To make matters worse, she feels powerless to get him back because she doesn''t know what she

did to turn him off. She doesn''t know that this is just a part of his intimacy cycle. When she

asks him what''s the matter, he doesn''t have a dear answer, and so he resists talking about it. He

just continues to distance her even more.


Why Men and Women Doubt Their Love

Without an understanding of this cycle it is easy to see how men and women begin to doubt

their love. Without seeing how she was preventing Jeff from finding his passion, Maggie could

easily assume that Jeff didn''t love her. Without getting the chance to pull away, Jeff would lose

touch with his desire and passion to be close. He could easily assume that he no longer loved

Maggie.

After learning to let Jeff have his distance or "space," Maggie discovered that he did come back.

She practiced not running after

him when he would withdraw and trusted that everything was OK. Each time he did come

back.

As her trust in this process grew, it became easier for her not to panic. When he pulled away

she did not run after him or even think something was wrong. She accepted this part of Jeff.

The more she just accepted him at those times the sooner he would return. As Jeff began to

understand his changing feelings and needs, he became more confident in his love. He was

able to make a commitment. The secret of Maggie and Jeffs success was that they understood

and accepted that men are like rubber bands.
NOW WOMEN MISINTERPRET MENWithout an understanding of how men are like rubber bands, it Is very easy for women to

misinterpret a man''s reactions. A common confusion arises when she says "Let''s talk" and

immediately he emotionally distances himself. Right when she wants to open up and get

closer, he wants to pull away. Commonly I hear the complaint "Every time I want to talk, he

pulls away. 1 feel like he doesn''t care about me." She mistakenly concludes that he doesn''t ever

want to talk to her.

This rubber band analogy explains how a man may care very much about his partner but

suddenly pull away. When he pulls away it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he

needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is

a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns then he is available to talk.

To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her

needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling

away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feet

autonomous.

Some men, however, may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of

"I need some space" or "I need to be alone." Regardless of how it is described, when a man pulls

away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while.

just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual

urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to

feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away. By understanding this process, women can

begin correctly to interpret this pulling away.

[Meo_mup]

Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close

For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be

intimate. This occurs for two reasons.

1. A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times

she will attempt to reestablish their intimate connection and say "Let''s talk." As he continues to

pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn''t want to talk or that he doesn''t care for her.

2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually

trigger a man''s need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm

bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a

man may suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away.

It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does

often triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about thing with feeling a

man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create

intimacy, and when a man gets too dose he automatically pulls away.

It is not that he doesn''t want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when

he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw

him closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.

WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN

When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After

some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing

has happened. This is the time to talk.

At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, women

generally don''t initiate conversations. This occurs for these three common reasons:

1. A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk he pulled away. She

mistakenly assumes that he doesn''t care and he doesn''t want to listen.

2. A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation

about his feelings. She knows that if she were suddenly to pull away from him, before she

could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a

conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn''t need to talk about his upset feelings

because he is not upset.

3. A woman has so much to say that she doesn''t want to be rude and just begin talking. To be

polite, instead of talking about ber own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking

him questions about his feelings and thoughts. When he has nothing to say, she concludes he

doesn''t want to have a conversation with her.

With all of these incorrect beliefs about why a man is not talking, it is no wonder that women

are frustrated with men.

NOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK

When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not

expect a man to initiate the conversation. To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to

begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening,

gradually he will have more to say.

A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say.

What women don''t know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don''t

talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open

up and share how he relates to what she has shared.

For example, if she talks about some of her difficulties during the day he may share some of the

difficulties of his day so that they can understand each other. If she talks about her feelings

about the kids, he may then talk about his feelings about the kids. As she opens up and he

doesn''t feel blamed or pressured, then he gradually begins to open up.

Now Wa~ Pressure Men to Talk

A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand

is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has

something to say he will resist because he feels her demand.

It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by

interrogating him. Especially when he doesn''t feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly

assumes that a man "needs to talk" and therefore "should." She forgets that he is from Mars and

doesn''t feel the need to talk as much.

She even feels that unless he talks, he doesn''t love hen To reject a man for not talking is to

ensure that he has nothing to say. A man

needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel

accepted when she wants him to talk more or resents him for pulling away.

A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to

listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say more.

Now to Initiate a Conversation with a Man

The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. Directly trying to get him to

talk is not th e best approach, especially if he is stretching away. Instead of wondering how she

can get him to talk a better question might be "How can 1 achieve greater intimacy,

conversation, and communication with my partner?

If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, and most women do, then she can

initiate more conversation but with a mature awareness that not only accepts but also expects

that sometimes he will be available and at other times he will instinctively pull away.

When he is available, instead of asking him twenty questions or demanding that he talk, she

could let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. In the beginning she should

even discourage him from talking.

For example, Maggie could say "jeff, would you listen to me for a while? I''ve had a hard day

and I want to talk about it. It will make me feel much better." After Maggie talked for a couple

of minutes then she could pause and say "I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it

means a lot to me." This appreciation encourages a man to listen more.

Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though

his "listening" is "doing nothing." He doesn''t realize how valuable his listening is to her. Most

women, however, instinctively know how important listening is. To expect a man to know this

without some training is to expect him to be like a woman. Fortunately, after being

appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking.
WHEN A MAN WON''T TALKSandra and Larry had been married for twenty years. Sandra wanted a divorce and Larry

wanted to make things work.

She said, "How can he say he wants to stay married? He doesn''t love me. He doesn''t feel

anything. He walks away when I need him to talk. He is cold and heartless. For twenty years he

has withheld his feelings. 1 am not willing to forgive him. 1 will not stay in this marriage. 1 am

too tired of trying to get him to open up and share his feelings and be vulnerable."

Sandra didn''t know how she had contributed to their problems. She thought it was all her

husband''s fault. She thought she had done everything to promote intimacy, conversation, and

communication, and he had resisted her for twenty years.

After hearing about men and rubber bands in the seminar, she burst into tears of forgiveness

for her husband. She realized that "his" problem was "their" problem. She recognized how she

had contributed to their problem.

She said, "I remember in our first year of marriage 1 would open up, talk about my feelings,

and he would just walk away. 1 thought he didn''t love me. After that happened a few times, 1

gave up. 1 was not willing to be hurt again. I did not know that at another time he would be

able to listen to my feelings. 1 didn''t give him a chance. I stopped being vulnerable. 1 wanted

him to open up before I would."

One-sided Conversations

Sandra''s conversations were generally one-sided. She would try to get him to talk first by

asking him a string of questions. Then, before

she could share what she wanted to talk about, she would become upset with his short answers.

When she finally did share her feelings, they were always the same. She was upset that he was

not open, loving, and sharing.

A one-sided conversation might go like this:

SANDRA: How was your day?

LARRY: OK.

SANDRA: What happened?

LARRY* The usual.

SANDRA: What do you feel like doing this weekend?

LARRY. I don''t care. What do you want to do?

SANDRA: Do you want to invite our friends over?

LARRY: ......................... I don''t know Do you know where the

TV schedule is?

SANDRA: (upset) Why don''t you talk to me?

~M (Stunned and silent.)

SANDRA: Do you love me?

LARRY. Of course I love you. I married you.

SANDRA: How could you love me? We never talk

anymore. How can you just sit there and

say nothing. Don''t you care?

At this point, Larry would get up and go for a walk. When he came back he would act as though

nothing had happened. Sandra would also act as though everything was fine, but inside she

would withdraw her love and warmth. On the surface she would try to be loving, but on the

inside her resentment increased. From time to time it would boil up and she would begin

another one-sided interrogation of her husband''s feelings. After twenty years of gathering

evidence that he did not love her, she was no longer willing to be deprived of intimacy.

Learning to Support Each Other Without Having to Change

At the seminar Sandra said, "I have spent twenty years trying to get Larry to talk. 1 wanted him

to open up and be vulnerable. 1 didn''t realize that what I was missing was a man who would

support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed. I have shared more

intimate feelings with my husband this weekend than in twenty years. I feel so loved. This is

what I have been missing. I thought he had to change. Now 1 know nothing is wrong with him

or me. We just didn''t know how to support each other."

Sandra had always complained that Larry didn''t talk. She had convinced herself that his silence

made intimacy impossible. At the serninar she learned to share her feelings without expecting

or demanding Larry to reciprocate. Instead of rejecting his silence she learned to appreciate it.

It made him a better listener.

Larry learned the art of listening. He practiced listening without trying to fix her. It is much

more effective to teach a man to listen than to open up and be vulnerable. As he learns to list en

to someone he cares for and is appreciated in response, he gradually will open up and share

more automatically.

When a man feels appreciated for listening and he doesn''t feel rejected for not sharing more, he

will gradually begin to open up. When he feels as though he doesn''t have to talk more, then

naturally he will. But first he needs to feel accepted. If she is still frustrated by his silence she is

forgetting that men are from Mars!

[Meo_mup]

WHEN A MAN DOESN''T PULL AWAY

Lisa and Jim had been married for tw o years. They did everything together. They were never

apart. After a while, Jim became increasingly irritable, passive, moody, and temperamental.

In a private counseling session, Lisa told me, "He is no longer any fun to be with. 1 have tried

everything to cheer him up, but it doesn''t work. 1 want to do fun

things together, like going to restaurants, shopping, traveling, going to plays, parties, and

dancing, but he doesn''t. We never do anything anymore. We just watch TV, eat, sleep, and

work. 1 try to love him, but 1 am angry. He used to be so charming and romantic. Living with

him now is like living with a slug. 1 don''t know what to do. He just won''t budge!"

After learning about the male intimacy cycle-the rubber band theory-both Lisa and Jim realized

what had happened. They were spending too much time together. Jim and Lisa needed to

spend more time apart.

When a man gets too close and doesn''t pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness,

irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt

guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife.

Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together. In counseling I asked Lisa

why she had spent so much time with Jim.

She said, "I was afraid he would get upset if I did anything fun without him. One time 1 went

shopping and he got really upset with me."

Jim said, "I remember that day. But I wasn''t upset with you. I was upset about losing some

money in a business deal. 1 actually remember that day because I remember noticing how good

I felt having the whole house to myself. 1 didn''t dare tell you that because 1 thought it would

hurt your feelings."

Lisa said, "I thought you didn''t want me to go out without you. You seemed so distant."


Becoming More Independent

With this new awareness, Lisa got the permission she needed not to worry so much about Jim.

Jim pulling away actually helped her become more autonomous and independent. She started

taking better care of herself. As she started doing the things she wanted to do and

~g more Support from her girlfriends she was much happier,

She released her resentment toward Jim. She realized that she had been expecting too much

from him. Having beard about the rubber band she realized how she was contributing to their

problem. She realized that he needed more time to be alone. Her loving sacrifices were not only

preventing him from pulling away and then springing back but her dependent attitude was

also smothering him.

Lisa started doing fun things without Jim. She did some of the things that she had been

wanting to do. One night she went out to cat with some girlfriends. Another night she went to a

play. Anoth er night she went to a birthday bowling party.

Simple Mired%

What amazed her was how quickly their relationship changed. Jim became much more

attentive and interested in het Within a couple of weeks, Jim started to come back to his old

self again. He was wanting to do fun things with her and started planning dates. He got his

motivation back.

In counseling he said, "I feel so relieved. 1 feel loved ... when Lisa comes home she is happy to

see me. It feels so good to miss ber when she is gone. It feels good to ''feel'' again. 1 had almost

forgotten what it was like. Before it seemed like nothing 1 did was good

enough. Lisa was always trying to get me to do things, telling me what to do and asking me

questions."

Lisa said, "I realized 1 was blaming him for my unhappiness. As 1 took responsibility for my

happiness, 1 experienced that Jim was more energetic and alive. It''s like a miracle. "


OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLE

There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner''s natural intimacy

cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away.

The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "chases a man" and prevents him

from pulling away:
CHASING BEHAVIORS1. Physical

When he pulls away, she physically follows hirn. He may walk into another room and she

follows. Or as in the example of Lisa and Jim, she does not do the things she wants to do so that

she can be with her partner.

2. Emotional

When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She worries about hirn. She wants to help

him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise.

Another way she may emotionally stop him from pulling away is to disapprove of his need to

be alone. Through disapproving she is also emotionally pulling him back.

Another approach is to look longingly or hurt when he pulls away. In this way she pleads for

his intimacy and he feels controlled.

3. Mental

She may try to pull hirn back mentally by asking him

g''It 1

ui -inducing questions such as "How could you treat me this way?" or "What''s wrong with

you?" or "Don''t you realize how much it hurts me when you pull away?"

Another way she may try to pull him back is to try to please hirn. She becomes overly

accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She

gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants.

She is afraid to rock the boat for fear that he might

pull away, and so she withholds her true feelings and avoids doing anything that may upset

him.

The second major way a woman may unknowingly interrupt a man''s intimacy cycle is to

punish him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman

"punishes a man" and prevents him from coming back and opening up to her:

PUNISHING BEHAVIORS1. Physical

When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection.

She may reject him *********ually She doesn''t allow him to touch her or be dose. She may hit him or

break things in order to show her displeasure.

When a man is punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of ever doing it again. This

fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken. It may

also create an anger that blocks him from feeling his desire for intimacy He may not come back

when he has pulled away.

2. Emotional

When he returns, she is unhappy and she blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting

her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy. He feels incapable of fulfilling

her and gives up.

When he returns, she expresses her disapproval through words, tone of voice, and by looking at

her partner in a certain wounded way.

3. Mental

When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents

him for not opening up and talking.

She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen

and be the "good" guy. When he happily returns to her, he is in the doghouse.

When a man feels punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of losing her love if he

pulls away. He begins to feel unworthy of her love if he pulls away. He may become afraid to

reach out for her love again because he feels unworthy; he assumes he will be rejected. This

fear of rejection prevents him from coming back from his journey into the cave.

[Meo_mup]

NOW A MAN''S PAST MAY AFFECT HIS INTIMACY CYCLEThis natural cycle in a man may already be obstructed from his childhood. He may be afraid to

pull away because he witnessed his mother''s disapproval of h''s father''s emotional distancing.

Such a man may not even know that he needs to pull away. He may unconsciously create

arguments to justify pulling away.

This kind of man naturally develops more of his feminine side but at the expense of

suppressing some of his masculine power. He is a sensitive man. He tries hard to please and be

loving but loses part of his masculine self in the process. He feels guilty pulling away. Without

knowing what has happened he loses his desire, power, and passion; he becomes passive or

overly dependent.

He may be afraid to be alone or to go into his cave. He may think he doesn''t like being alone

because deep inside he is afraid of losing love. He has already experienced ''n childhood his

mother rejecting his father or directly rejecting him.

While some men don''t know how to pull away, others don''t know how to get close. The macho

man has no problem pulling away. He just can''t come back and open up. Deep inside he may

be afraid he is unworthy of love. He is afraid of being close and caring a lot. He does not have a

picture of how welcomed he would be if he got closer. Both the sensitive male and the macho

male are missing a positive picture or experience of their natural intimacy cycle.

Understanding this male intimacy cycle is just as important for men as it is for women. Some

men feel guilty needing to spend time in their caves or they may get confused when they start

to pull away and then later spring back. They may mistakenly think something is wrong, with

them. It is such a relief for both men and women to understand these secrets about men.
WISE MEN AND WOMENMen generally don''t realize how their suddenly pulling away and then later returning affects

women. With this new insight about how women are affected by his intimacy cycle, a man can

recognize the importance of sincerely listening when a woman speaks. He understands and

respects her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care. Whenever he is

not needing to pull away, the wise man takes the time to initiate conversation by asking his

female partner how she is feeling.

He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be

back. He might say "I need some time to be alone and then we will have some special time

together with no distractions." Or if he starts to pull away while she is talking he might say "I

need some time to think about this and then we can talk again."

When he returns to talk, she might probe him to understand why he left. If he''s not sure, which

is many times the case, he might say "I''m not sure. 1 just needed some time to myself. But let''s

continue our conversation."

He is more aware that she needs to be heard and he needs to listen more when he is not pulling

away. In addition, he knows that lis

telling helps him to become aware of what he wants to share in a conversation.

To initiate a conversation the wise woman learns not to demand that a man talk but asks that

he truly listen to her. As her emphasis changes, the pressure on him is released. She learns to

open up and share her feelings without demanding that he do the same.

She trusts that he will gradually open up more as he feels accepted and listens to her feelings.

She does not punish him or chase after him. She understands that sometimes her intimate

feelings trigger his need to pull away while at other times (when he is on his way back) he is

quite capable of hearing her intimate feelings. This wise woman does not give up. She

patiently and lovingly persists with a knowing that few women have.

[Meo_mup]

Chapter 7
Women Are Like Waves


A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion.
When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may
change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom suddenly
her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.
When a woman's wave rises she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.
If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. During this down time she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.
My wife, Bonnie, says this experience of "going down" is like going down into a dark well.
When a women goes into her "well" she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feeling. She may suddenly experience a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings. She may feel hopeless, thinking she is all alone or unsupported. But soon after she reaches the bottom, if she feels loved and supported, she will automatically start to feel better. As suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love in her relationships.
A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love. It is crucial that her partner understand what she needs at these times, otherwise he may make unreasonable demands.

NOW MEN REACT TO THE WAVE

When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But to expect her loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather never to change and the sun to shine all the time. Life is filled with rhythms-day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.


Don't Try to Fix It

Bill and Mary had been married for six years. Bill had observed this wave pattern in Mary, but because he didn't understand it, he tried to "fix it," which just made matters worse. He thought something was wrong with her tendency to go up and down. He would try explaining to her that she didn't need to be upset. Mary only felt more misunderstood and thus more distressed.
Although he thought he was "fixing it," he was actually preventing her from feeling better.
When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love.
Bill said, "I can't understand my wife, Mary. For weeks she is the most wonderful woman. She gives her love so unconditionally to me and to everyone. Then suddenly she becomes overwhelmed by how much she is doing for everyone and starts being disapproving of me. It's not my fault she's unhappy. I explain that to her, and we just get into the biggest fights."
Like many men, Bill made the mistake of trying to prevent his partner from "going down" or "bottoming out." He tried to rescue her by pulling her up. He had not learned that when his wife was going down she needed to hit bottom before she could come up.
When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he wou ld try
to bring her back up with explanations of why she shouldn't be so upset.
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.


Now Men Are Confused

After learning how women are like waves, Bill was still confused. The next time his wife
seemed to be in her well, he practiced listening to her. As she talked about some of the things that were bothering her, he practiced not offering suggestions to "fix her" or make her feel better. After about twenty minutes he became very upset, because she wasn't feeling any better.
He told me, "At first I listened, and she seemed to open up and share more. But then she started getting even more upset. It seemed the more 1 listened the more upset she got. 1 told her she shouldn't be getting more upset and then we got into a big argument."
Although Bill was listening to Mary, he was still trying to fix her. He expected her to feel better right away. What Bill didn't know is that when a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn't necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.
Bill was confused, because as he listened to her she appeared to get no benefit from his support. To him she just seemed to be going deeper. To avoid this confusion a man needs to remember that sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. Through understanding that a wave must hit bottom before it can rise again he can release his expectations that she immediately feel better in response to his assistance.
With this new insight, Bill was able to be rnore understanding and patient with Mary. After becoming much more successful in supporting Mary in her well, he also learned that there was no way to predict how long she would be upset; sometimes her well was deeper than at other times.

[Meo_mup]

RECURRING CONVERSATIONS AND ARGUMENTS

When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. This positive
shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering
her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. It is an illusion. Because she is
suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved.
When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding
the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the "well."
When a woman's unresolved feelings recur, he may
respond inappropriately by saying:
1. "How many times do we have to go through this?"
2. "I've heard all this before."
3. "I thought we had established that."
4. "When are you going to get off it?"
5. "I don't want to deal with this again."
6. "This is crazy! We are having the same argument."
7.---Whydo you have so many problems?"
When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface. These issues may have to
do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and
childhood. Whatever remains to be healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up.
Here are some of the common feelings she may experience as she goes into the well.



WARNING SIGNS FOR MEN THAT SHE



MAY BE GOING INTO HER WELL OR



WHEN SHE NEEDS HIS LOVE THE MOST

She feels She my say
1
Overwhelmed "There is so much to do."
Insecure "I need more."
Resentful "I do everything."
Worried ........................---Butwhat about "
Confused ........................" 1 don't understand why "
Exhausted "I can't do anything more."
Hopeless "I don't know what to do."
Passive "I don't care, do what you want."
Demanding ................... "You should "
Withholding ..................."No, I don't want to"
Mistrustful "What do you mean by that?"
Controlling ..................... "Well, did you ?"
Disapproving ..................... "How could you forget ?"
As she feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the
relationship and Is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or
struggle in her life. This is the blessing of a loving relationship.
To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate.
Gradually she will become free from the gripping influence of her past. She will still have her
ups and downs,
but they will not be so extreme that they overshadow her loving nature.


UNDERSTANDING NEEDINESS

During my relationship seminar Tom complained, saying, "In the beginning of our
relationship, Susan seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy. 1 remember
reassuring her that I loved her and that she was important to me. After a lot of talking we got
over that hurdle, but then again a month later she went through the same insecurity. It was as if
she had never heard me the first time. 1 became so frustrated with her that we got in a big
argument."
Tom was surprised to see that many other men shared his experience in their relationships.
When Tom met Susan she was on the upswing of her wave. As their relationship progressed
Susan's love for Tom grew. After her wave peaked, suddenly she started feeling very needy
and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention.
This was the beginning of her descent into the well. Tom could not understand why she had
changed, but after a rather intense discussion that went on for hours, Susan felt much better.
Tom had reassured her of his love and support, and Susan was now swinging up again. Inside
he felt relieved.
After this interaction Tom thought he had successfully solved this problem in their
relationship. But a month later Susan began to crash and began feeling the same way again.
This time Tom was much less understanding and accepting of her. He became impatient. He
was insulted that she would mistrust him again after he had reassured her of his love a month
before. In his defensiveness he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a
result they argued.


Reassuring insights

By understanding how women are like waves, Tom realized that the recurrence of Susan's
neediness and insecurity was natural, inevitable, and temporary. He realized how naive he had
been to think that his loving response to Susan's deepest core issues could permanently heal
her.
Tom learning successfully to support Susan when she was in her well not only made it easier
for her to do her in ner healing but also helped them not to have fights at those times. Tom was
encouraged by the three following realizations.
1. A man's love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman's issues. His love, however, can
make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly
loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however,
he can get better at supporting her.
2. A woman going into her well is not a man's fault or his failure. By being more supportive he
cannot prevent it from happen' rig, but he can help her through these difficult times.
3. A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A
man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and
understanding.


WHEN A WOMAN DOESN'T FEEL SAFE IN HER WELL

This tendency to be like a wave increases when a woman is in an intimate relationship. It is
essential that she feel safe to go through this cycle. Otherwise she works hard at pretending
that everything is always all right and suppresses her negative feelings.
When a woman doesn't feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy
and ********* or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating,
overworking, or overcaretaking. Even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fall
into her well and her feelings may come up in a most uncontrolled fashion.
You probably know stories of couples who never fight or argue and then suddenly to
everyone's surprise they decide to get a divorce. In many of these cases, the woman has
suppressed her negative feelings to avoid having fights. As a result she becomes numb and
unable to feel her love.
When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love
dies. Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. In
chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid arguments without suppressing feelings.
Emotional Housecleaning
When a woman's wave crashes is a time of emotional cleansing or emotional housecleaning.
Without this cleansing or emotional catharsis a woman slowly loses her ability to love and to
grow m love. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and
she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionless over time.
Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave
motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation
between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases
women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS
symptoms disappear. In chapter 11 we will explore more healing techniques for dealing with
negative emotions.
Even a strong, confident. and successful woman will need to visit her well from time to time.
Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that if their female partner is successful in the
work world then she will not experience these times of emotional housecleaning. The opposite
is true.
When a woman is in the work world she generally is exposed to stress and emotional pollution.
Her need for emotional housecleaning becomes great. Similarly, a man's need to pull away like
a rubber band may increase when he is under a greater amount of stress at work.
One study revealed that a woman's self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between
twenty-one and thirty -five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like
a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman's selfesteem cycle is not
necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty -eight days.
When a woman puts on her business suit she can detach from this emotional roller coaster, but
when she returns home she needs her partner to give the tender loving support that every
woman needs and appreciates at these times.
It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect a
woman's competence at work, but it does greatly influence her communication with the people
she intimately loves and needs.
Now a Man Con Support a Woman in the Well
A wise man learns to go out of his way to help a woman feel safe to rise and fall. He releases
his judgments and demands and learns how to give the required support. As a result he enjoys
a relationship that increases in love and passion over the years.
He may have to weather a few emotional storms or droughts, but the reward is much greater.
The uninitiated man still suffers from storms and droughts, but because he does not
know the art of loving her through her time in the well, their love stops growing and gradually
becomes repressed.


WHEN SHE'S IN THE WELL AND NE'S IN THE CAVE

Harris said, "I tried everything 1 learned in the seminar. It was really working. We were so
close. I felt like 1 was in heaven. Then suddenly my wife, Cathy, started complaining that 1
watched too much TV. She started treating me like 1 was a child. We got in a huge argument. I
don't know what happened. We were doing so well."
This is an example of what can happen when the wave and the rubber band occur around the
same time. After taking the seminar, Harris had succeeded in giving more to his wife and
family than ever. Cathy was delighted. She couldn't believe it. They had become closer than
ever. Her wave was peaking. This lasted for a couple of weeks, and then Harris decided to stay
up late one night and watch TV. His rubber band was starting to droop. He needed to pull
away into his cave.
When he pulled away, Cathy was greatly hurt. Her wave began to crash. She saw his pulling
away as the end of her new experience of intimacy. The previous couple of weeks had been
everything she had wanted, and now she thought she was going to lose it. Ever since she was a
little girl this type of intimacy was her dream. Flis pulling away was a tremendous shock to her.
To the vulnerable little girl within her it was an experience of giving candy to a baby and then
taking it away. She became very upset.


Martian and Venusian Logic

Cathy's experience of abandonment is hard for a Martian to understand. Martian logic says "I
have been so wonderfu l for the past two weeks. Shouldn't that entitle me to a little time off? I
have been giving to you all this time, now it's time for me. You should be more
secure and reassured about my love than ever."
Venusian logic approaches the experience differently: "These last two weeks have been so
wonderful. 1 have let myself open up to you more than ever. Losing your loving attention is
more painful than ever. 1 started to really open up and then you pulled away."
Now Post Feelings Come Up
By not fully trusting and opening up, Cathy had spent years protecting herself from being hurt.
But during their two weeks of living in love she started to open up more than she ever had in
her adult life. Harris's support had made it safe for her to get in touch with her old feelings.
Suddenly she began to feel the way she felt as a child when her father was too busy for her.
Her past unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness were projected onto Harris's watching
TV. if these feelings had not come up, Cathy would have been able gracefully to accept Harris's
wish to watch TV.
Because her past feelings were coming up, she felt hurt when he watched TV. If given the
chance to share and explore her hurt, deep feelings would have emerged. Cathy would have hit
bottom, and then she would have felt significantly better. Once again, she would have been
willing to trust intimacy, even knowing it can be painful when inevitably he temporarily pulls
away.


When Feelings Get Hurt

But Harris didn't understand why she would be hurt. He told her she shouldnt be hurt. And the
argument began. Telling a woman she shouldn't feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can
say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.
When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him. But if she is given care
and understanding, the blame will disappear. Trying to explain to her why she shouldn't be
hurt will make matters much worse.
Sometimes when a woman is hurting she may even agree intellectually that she shouldn't be
hurting. But emotionally she is still hurting and doesn't want to bear from him that she
shouldn't he hurting. What she needs is his understanding of why she is hurting.


Why Men and Women Fight

Harris completely misunderstood Cathy's hurt reaction. He thought she was demandin g that he
give up TV forever. Cathy wasn't demanding that Harris give up TV. She just wanted him to
know how painful it was for hen
Women instinctively know that if only their pain can be heard then they can trust their partner
to make whatever changes he can make. When Cathy shared her hurt, she just needed to be
heard and then be reassured that he wasn't permanently reverting back to the old Harris,
addicted to TV and emotionally unavailable.
Certainly Harris deserved to watch TV, but Cathy deserved the right to be upset. She deserved
to be heard, understood, and reassured. Harris was not wrong for watching TV, and Cathy was
not wrong for being upset.
Because Harris did not understand Cathy's wave, he thought her reaction was unfair. He
thought he had to invalidate her feelings if he wanted to take time to watch TV. He became
irritable and thought, I can't be loving and intimate all the time!
Harris felt he had to make her feelings wrong to gain the right to watch TV and live his fife and
be himself. He argued for his right to watch TV when Cathy just needed to be heard. She ~ed
for the right to be hurt and upset.

[Meo_mup]

What She Con Do Instead of Arguing
In hearing this suggestion, Cathy said, "If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? 1 give
him space, but what do 1 get?"
What Cathy gets is the best her partner can give at the time. By not demanding that he listen to
her when she wants to talk, she can
avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge argument. Second, she gets his
support when he comes back-when he is truly capable of supporting her.
Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, when he returns he will be back
with a lot more love. Th en he can listen. This is the best time to initiate conversation.
Accepting a man's need to go into the cave does not mean giving up the need to talk. It means
giving up the demand that he listen whenever she wants to talk. Cathy learned to accept that
sometimes a man can't listen or talk and learned that at other times he could. Timing was very
important. She was encouraged not to give up initiating conversation but to find those other
times when he could listen.
When a man pulls away is the time to get more support from friends. If Cathy feels the need to
talk but Harris can't listen, then Cathy could talk more with her friends. It puts too much
pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support. When a woman's wave
crashes and her partner is in his cave, it is essential that she have other sources of support.
Otherwise she can't help but feel powerless and resent her partner.


NOW MONEY CAN CREATE PROBLEMS
Chris said, "I am completely confused. When we got married we were poor. We both worked
hard and we barely had enough money for the rent. Sometimes my wife, Pam, would complain
about how hard her life was. 1 could understand it. But now we are rich. We both have
successful careers. How can she still be unhappy and complain? Other women would give
anything to be in her situation. All we do is fight. We were happier when we were poor; now
we want a divorce."
Chris did not understand that women are like waves. When he married Pam, from time to time
her wave would crash. At those times he would listen and understand her unhappiness. It was
easy for him to validate her negative feelings because he shared them. From his perspective she
had a good reason to be upset -they didn't have a lot of money.


Money Doesn't Fulfill Emotional Needs
Martians tend to think money is the solution to all problems. When Chris and Pam were poor
and struggling to make ends meet, he would listen and empathize with her pain and resolve to
make more money so she wouldn't be unhappy. Pam felt that he really cared.
But as their life improved financially she continued to get upset from time to time. He couldn't
understand why she still wasn't happy. He thought she should be happy all the time because
they were so rich. Pam felt that he didn't care about her.
Chris did not realize that money could not prevent Pam from being upset. When her wave
would crash, they fought because he would invalidate her need to be upset. Ironically, the
richer they became the more they fought.
When they were poor, money was the major focus of her pain, but as they became more
financially secure she became more aware of what she was not getting emotionally. This
progression is natural, normal, and predictable.


A Wealthy Woman Needs More Permission to Be Upset
1 remember reading this quote In an article: "A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a
wealthy psychiatrist." When a woman has a lot of money, people (and especially her husband)
do not give her the right to be upset. She has no permission to be like a wave and
crash from time to time. She has no permission to explore her feelings or to need more in any
area of her life.
A woman with money is expected to be fulfilled all the time because her fife could be so much
worse without this financial abundance. This expectation is not only impractical but
disrespectful. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs
permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash.
Chris was encouraged when he realized he could make his wife happy. He remembered he had
validated his wife's feelings when they were poor, and he could do it again even if they were
rich. Instead of feeling hopeless, he realized he did know how to support her. He had just
gotten sidetracked by thinking his money should make her happy when really his caring and
understanding of her had been the source of her contentment.


RESOLVING CONFLICTS THROUGH UNDERSTANDING
It was naive for Harris to think that Cathy's anger, resentment, and feelings of powerlessness
from being neglected for twelve years were going to go away after two weeks of being in love.
It was equally naive for Cathy to think that Harris could sustain his focus on her and the family
without taking time to pull away and focus on himself.
When Harris started to pull away it triggered Cathy's wave to crash. Her unresolved feelings
started coming up. She was not just reacting to Harris watching TV that night but to the years
of being neglected. ]heir argument turned into yelling. After two hours of yelling they weren't
talking to each other.
By understanding the bigger picture of what had happened, they were able to resolve their
conflict and make up. Harris understood that when he started to pull away it triggered Cathy's
time to do some emotional housecleaning. She needed to talk about her feelings and not be
made wrong. Harris was encouraged by the realization that she was fighting to be heard, just as
he was fighting to be free. He learned that by supporting her need to be heard she could
support his need to be free.
Cathy understood that Harris did not mean to invalidate her hurt feelings. In addition she
understood that though he was pulling away he would be back and they would be able to
experience intimacy again. She realized that their increased intimacy had triggered his need to
pull away. She learned that her hurt feelings made him feel controlled, and he needed to feel
she was not trying to tell him what he could do.


What a MM Con De When He Can't Listen
Harris asked, "What if I just can't listen and I need to be in my cave? Sometimes, I start to listen
and 1 become furious."
I assured him that this is normal. When her wave crashes and she needs to be heard the most,
sometimes his rubber band is triggered and he needs to pull away. He cannot give her what she
needs. He emphatically agreed and said, "Yes, that's right. When I want to pull away, she wants
to talk."
When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, his trying to listen only makes
matters worse. After a short time he either will be judging her and possibly explode with anger
or he will become incredibly tired or distracted, and she will become more upset. When he is
not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect, these three actions
can help:


THREE STEPS FOR SUPPORTING HER WHEN HE NEEDS TO


PULL AWAY
1. Accept Yew Limitations
The first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give. No
matter how loving you want to be, you cannot listen attentively. Don't try to listen when you
can't.
2. Understand Her Pain
Next, you need to understand that she needs more than you can give at this moment. Her pain
is valid. Don't make her wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned
when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for
wanting to be clo se. You may be afraid that she will not forgive you or trust. She can be more
trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt.
3. Avoid Arguing and Give Reassurance
By understanding her hurt you won't make her wrong for being upset and in pain. Although you can't give the support she wants and needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.


What He Con Say Instead of Arguing
There was nothing wrong with Harris's need to be alone or watch TV, nor was their anything
wrong with Cathy's hurt feelings. Instead of arguing for his right to watch TV, he could have
told her something like this: "I understand you're upset, and right now 1 rea lly need to watch
TV and relax. When 1 feel better we can talk." This would give him time to watch TV as well as an opportunity to cool off and prepare himself to listen to his partner's hurt without making
her hurt feelings wrong.
She may not like this response, but she will respect it. Of course she wants him to be his usual
loving self, but if he needs to pull away, then that is his valid need. He cannot give what he
doesn't have. What he can do is avoid making things worse. The solution lies in respect ing his
needs as well as hers. He should take the time he needs and then go back and give her what she
needs.
When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can say "I
understand you feel hurt and 1 need some time to think about it. Let's take a time-out." For a
man to excuse himself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away
her hurt.

[Meo_mup]

FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT
If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy.
To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the wed to release, heal, and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process.
If we are to feel the positive feelings of love, happiness, trust, and gratitude, we periodically also have to feel anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. When a woman goes down into her well is when she can heal these negative emotions.
Men also need to process their negative feelings so that they can then experience their positive feelings. When a man goes into his cave is a time when he silently feels and processes his negative feelings. In chapter 11 we will explore a technique for releasing negative feelings that works equally well for women and men.
When a woman is on the upswing she can be fulfilled with what she has. But on the downswing she then will become aware of what she is issing When she is feeling good she is capable of seeing and responding to the good things in her life. But when she is crashing, her loving vision becomes cloudy, and she reacts more to what is missing 'm her life.
just as a glass of water can be viewed as half full or half empty, when a woman is on her way up she sees the fullness of her life. On the way down she sees the emptiness. Whatever emptiness she overlooks on the way up comes more into focus when she is on her way down into her well.
Without learning about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their wives. They are confused when things get a lot better on the outside but worse in the relationship. By remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.

[Meo_mup]

Chapter 8


Discovering Our Different


Emotional Needs
Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively kn ow how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships
what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful.
Both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the desired manner.
For example, a woman thinks she is being loving when she asks a lot of caring questions or expresses concern. As we have discussed before, this can be very annoying to a man. He may start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused, because if she w ere offered this kind of support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst annoying.
Similarly, men think they are being loving, but the way they express their love may make a woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize the importance of her problems. He may say "Don't worry, It's not such a big deal." Or he may completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of--space"to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks is support makes ber feel minimized, unloved, and ignored.
As we have already discussed, when a woman Is upset she needs to be heard and understood.
W'thout this insight into different male and female needs, a mail doesn't understand why his attempts to help fall.


THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE
Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique love needs that are all equally, important. Men primarily need trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily, need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. The enormous task of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through understanding these twelve different kinds of love.
By reviewing this list you can easily see why, your partner may not feel loved. And most important, this list can give you a direction to improve your relationships with the opposite ********* when you don't know what else to do.

[Meo_mup]

The Primary love Needs of Women and Men
Here are the different kinds of love listed side by side:
Women need to receive Men need to receive
1. Caring 1. Trust
2. Understanding 2. Acceptance
3. Respect 3. Appreciation
4. Devotion 4. Admiration
5. Validation 5. Approval
6. Reassurance 6. Encouragement


Understanding Your Primary Needs
Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of love. To acknowledge the six kinds of love prima rily needed by women does not imply that men do not need these kinds of love. Men also need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
What Is meant by "primary need" is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.
A man becomes fully receptive to and appreciative of the six kinds of love primarily needed by women (caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance) when his own primary needs are first fulfilled. Likewise a woman needs trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. But before she can truly value and appreciate these kinds of love, her primary needs first must be fulfilled.
Understanding the primary kinds of love that your partner needs is a powerful secret for improving relationships on Earth. Remembering that men are from Mars will help you remember and accept that men have different primary love needs.
It's easy for a woman to give what she needs and forget that her favorite Martian may need something else. Likewise men tend to focus on their needs, losing track of the fact that the kind of love they need is not always appropriate for or supportive of their favorite Venusian.
The most powerful and practical aspect of this new understanding of love is that these different kinds of love are reciprocal. For example, when a Martian expresses his caring and understanding, a Venusian automatically begins to reciprocate and return to him the trust and acceptance that he primarily needs. The same thing happens when a Venusian expresses her trust-a Martian automatically will begin to reciprocate with the caring she needs.
In the following six sections we will define the twelve kinds of love in practical terms and reveal their reciprocal nature.
1. She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust
When a man shows interest in a woman's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in this caring way, he succeeds in fulfilling her first primary need. Naturally she begins to trust him more. When she trusts, she becomes more open and receptive.
When a woman's attitude is open and receptive toward a man he feels trusted.
To trust a man Is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner. When a woman's reactions reveal a positive belief in her man's abilities and intentions, his first primary love need is fulfilled. Automatically he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs.
2. She Needs Understanding and He Needs Acceptance
When a man listens without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood. An understanding attitude doesn't presume to
already know a person's thoughts or feelings; instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard,and moves toward validating what is being communicated. The rnore a woman's need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs.
When a woman lovingly' receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. An accepting attitude does not reject but affirms that he is bei ng favorably received. It does not
mean the woman believes he is perfect but indicates that she is not trying to improve him, that she trusts him to make his own improvements. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for him to listen and give her the understanding she needs and deserves.
3. She Needs Respect and He Needs Appreciation
When a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When his behavior takes into consideration her thoughts and feelings, she is sure to feel respected. Concrete and physical expressions of respect, like flowers and remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a woman's third primary love need. When she feels respected it is much easier for her to give her man the appreciation that he deserves.
When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man's efforts and behavior, he feels appreciated. Appreciation is the natural reaction to being supported.
When a man is apprec iated he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to Ove more. When a man is appreciated he is automatically empowered and motivated to respect his partner more.
4. She Needs Devotion and He Needs Admiration
When a man gives priority to a woman's needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need is fulfilled. A woman thrives when she feels adored and special. A man fulfills her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and needs more important than his other interests-like work, study, and recreation. When a woman feels that she is number one in his life then, quite easily, she admires him.
just as a woman needs to feel a man's devotion, a man has a primary need to feel a woman's admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents, which may include humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kin dness, love,
understanding, and other socalled old -fashioned virtues. When a man feels admired, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.
5. She Hods Validation and He Needs Approval
When a man does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved because her fifth primary need is fulfilled. A man's validating attitude confirms a woman's right to feel th e way she does. (It is important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he is assured of getting the approval that he primarily needs.
Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman's hero or knight in shining armor. The signal that he has passed her tests is her approval. A woman's approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a man doesn't always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.
6. She Needs Reassurance and He Needs Encouragement
When a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands, respects, validates. and is devoted to his partner, her primary need to be reassured is fulfilled. A reassuring attitude tells a woman that she is continually loved.
A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman's primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved. This is not the case. To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.
Similarly, a man primarily needs to be encouraged by a woman A woman's encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence m his abilities and character When a woman's attitude expresses mist , acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval it encourages a man to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the loving reassurance that she needs.
The best comes out in a man when h's six primary lov e needs are fulfilled. But when a woman doesn't know what he primarily needs and gives a caring love rather than a trusting love, she
may unknowingly sabotage their relationship. This next story exemplifies this point.

[Meo_mup]

THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
Deep in side every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn't feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring.
Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he
races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess.
As the gates open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople. He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.
A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip. On his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.
Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, "Don't use your sword, use this noose. It will work better."
She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and everyone rejoices.
At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't quite feel worthy of the town's trust and admiration After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor A month later he goes on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window.
"Use the poison," she yells. "The noose doesn't work."
She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon's mouth, and the dragon dies.
Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed.
A month later, he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but
brings them just in case.
This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders, Should 1 use my sword, the noose, or the poison? What would the princess say?
For a moment he is confused. But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burst of renewed confidence he
throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.
The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.
Remembering that within every man is a knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to help you remember a man's primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.


NOW YOU MAY BE UNKNOWINGLY TURNING OFF YOUR PARTNER
Without an awareness of what is important for the opposite *********, men and women don't realize how much they may be hurting their partners. We can see that both men and women unknowingly cornmunicate in ways that are not only counterproductive but may even be a turnoff.
Men and women get their feelings hurt most easily when they do not get the kind of primary love they need. Women generally don't realize the ways they communicate that are unsupportive and hurtful to the male ego. A woman may try to be sensitive to a man's feelings, but because his primary love needs are different from hers, she doesn't instinctively anticipate
his needs.
Through understanding a man's primary love needs, a woman can be more aware and sensitive to the sources of his discontent. The following is a list of common communication mistakes women make in relation to a man's primary love needs.

[Meo_mup]

Mistakes women c~ make ~g doesn't fed loved
1. She tries to improve his behavior or help him by offering unsolicited advice.
-> 1. fie feels unloved because she doesn't trust him anymore.

2. She tries to change or control his behavior by sharing her upset or negative feelings. (It is OK to share feelings but not when they attempt to manipulate or punish.)à 2. He feels unloved because she doesn't accept him as he is .

Mistakes wow c~ make Wh S doesn't feel loved
3. She doesn't acknowledge what he does for her but complains about what he has not done à 3. He feels taken for granted and unloved because she doesn't appreciate what he does.

4. She corrects his behavior and tells him what to do as if he were a child à 4. fie feels unloved because he, does not feel admired.

5. She expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like "How could you do that approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy. à 5. He feels unloved because he feels she has taken away her

6. When he makes decisions or takes initiatives she corrects or criticizes him à 6. He feels unloved because she does not encourage him to do things on his own.

just as women easily make mistakes when they don't understand what men primarily need, men also make mistakes. Men generally don't recognize the was s they communicate that are d srespectful and unsupportive to women. A man may even know that she is unhappy with him, but unless he understands why she feels unloved and what she needs he cannot change his approach. Through understanding a woman's primary needs, a man can be more sensitive to and respectful of her needs. The following is a list of communication mistakes men make in relation to a woman's primary emotional needs.

[Meo_mup]

Mistakes men make W_ h she doesn't feel loved
1. He doesn't listen, gets easily distracted, doesn't ask interested or concerned questions à 1. She feels unloved because he is not attentive or showing that he cares.
Mistakes men "c Why she ~1 fed loved
2. He takes her feelings literally and corrects her . He thinks she is asking for solutions so he gives advice à 2. She feels unloved because he doesn't understand her.

3. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for bringing him down. à 3. She feels unloved because he doesn't respect her feelings.

4. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children or work more important. à 4. She feels unloved because he is not devoted to her and doesn't honor her as special.

5. When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset à 5. She feels unloved because he doesn't validate her feelings but instead makes her feel wrong and unsupported.

6. After listening he says nothing or just walks away à 6. She feels insecure because she doesn't get the reassurance she
needs.

[Meo_mup]

WHEN LOVE FAILS
Love often fads because people instinctively give what they want. Because a woman's primary love needs are to be cared for, understood, and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding.
To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn't mist him. Being trusted is his primary need, not being m-ed for Then, when he doesn't respond positively to her caring she can't understand why he doesn't appreciate her brand of support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn't what she needs. So they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other's needs.
Beth complained, saying,
" 1 )ust can't keep giving and not getting back. Arthur doesn't appreciate what 1 give. I love him, but he doesn't love me."
Arthur complained, saying, "Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything and she still doesn't love me. 1 love her, but it's just not working."
Beth and Arthur have been married for eight years. They both felt like giving up because they didn't feel loved. Ironically, they both claimed to be giving more love than they were getting back. Beth believed she was giving more, while Arthur thought he was giving the most. In truth they were both giving, but neither was getting what they wanted or needed.
They did love each other, but because they didn't understand their partner's primary needs their love wasn't getting through. Beth was giving what she needed to receive while Arthur was giving what he wanted. Gradually they burned out.
Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. Relationships become easier when we understand our partner's primary needs. Without giving more but by giving what is required we do not bum out. This understanding of the twelve different kinds of love finally explains why our sincere loving attempts fail. To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he or she primarily needs.

[Meo_mup]

Chèng ơi, cái file PDF, copy rùi chỉnh đặng paste ra cho đẹp mịt wớ hic hic hic:Sigh::Silly:

[Bap_Bong]

Meo_mup ơi, mình được đọc quyển này 1 lần khá lâu rồi, cách đây khoảng 10 năm bằng bản tiếng Việt, mình rất thích. Thấy tựa topic của bạn mình thích quá nhưng lại là bản tiếng Anh nên hơi ngại đọc. Nếu bạn có bản tiếng Việt thì up lên luôn nhé. Thanks :Rose::Rose::Rose:

[Meo_mup]

Bà con ơi, lưu ý hộ em là các cái chữ à ở dưới, vốn dĩ ở bên word em set là dấu mũi tên, ứ hỉu sao...

LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman's primary love needs is through communication. As we have discussed before, communication is particularly Important on Venus. By learning to listen to a woman's feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
One of the biggest problems men have with listening to women is that they become frustrated or angry because they forget that women are from Venus and that they are supposed to communicate differently. The chart below outlines some ways to remember these differences and makes some suggestions about what to do.


NOW TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

What Lo remember à What to do and what not to do
1 . Remember anger comes from not understanding her point of view , and this is never her fault à 1. Take responsibility to understand. Don't blame her for upsetting you. Start again trying to understand.

2. Remember that feelings don't always make sense right away but they're still valid and need empathy à 2. Breathe deeply, don't say any thing! Relax and let go of trying to control. Try to imagine how you would feel if you saw the world through her eyes.

3. Remember that anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better . Even if she doesn't immediately feel better , your listening and understanding are helping. à 3. Don't blame her for not feeling better from your solutions. How can she feel better when solutions are not what she needs? Resist the - urge to offer solutions.

4. Remember you don't have to agree to understand her point of view or to be appreciated as a good listener à 4. If you wish to express a differing point of view make sure she is finished and then rephrase her point of view before giving your own.Do not raise your voice.

5. Remember you don't fully have to understand her point of view to succeed in being a good listener à 5. Let her know you don't understand but want to. Take responsibility for not understanding; don't judge her or simply she can't be understood.

What to remember What to de and what not to de
6. Remember you are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as though she is blaming you, but she is really ~ to be understood. à 6. Refrain from defending yourself until she feels that you understand and care. Then it is OK gently to explain yourself or to apologize.

7. Remember that if she makes you really angry she is probably mistrusting you . Deep inside her is a scared little girl who is afraid of opening up and being hurt and who needs your kindness compassion. à 7. Don't argue with her feelings and opinions. Take time out and discuss things later when there is less emotional charge. Practice the Love Utter technique as described and in chapter 11.

When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her
a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express
herself, th e more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the
loving trust, acceptance. appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs.

[Meo_mup]

Meo_mup ơi, mình được đọc quyển này 1 lần khá lâu rồi, cách đây khoảng 10 năm bằng bản tiếng Việt, mình rất thích. Thấy tựa topic của bạn mình thích quá nhưng lại là bản tiếng Anh nên hơi ngại đọc. Nếu bạn có bản tiếng Việt thì up lên luôn nhé. Thanks :Rose::Rose::Rose:

Em không có bản tiếng Việt Bắp Bông ơi! Mua cuốn í ngoài nhà sách thui,đọc thấy thích nên up lên đây ^^ mà tìm ko có bản Vie nên đành up bản này cho cả nhà :LoveStruc:

[Meo_mup]

THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN
Just as men need to learn the art of listening to fulfill a woman's primary love needs, women need to learn the art of empowerment. When a woman enlists the support of a man, she empowers him to be all that he can be. A man feels empowered when he is trusted, accepted, appreciated. admired , approved of, and encouraged.
Like in our story of the knight in shining armor, many women try to help their man by improving him but unknowingly weaken or hurt him. Any attempt to change him takes away the loving trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that are h's primary needs.
The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him. Certainly you may want him to change-just don't act on that desire. Only if he directly and specifically asks for advice is he open to assistance in changing.


Give Trust and Not Advice
On Venus, it is considered a loving gesture to offer advice. But on Mars it is not. Women need to remember that Martians do not offer advice unless it directly requested. A way of showing love is to trust another Martian to solve his problems on his own.
This doesn't mean a woman has to squash her feelings. It's OK for her to feel frustrated or even angry, as long as she doesn't try to change him. Any attempt to change him is unsupportive and counterproductive.
When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve their relationship. In her exuberance she makes him a target for her improvements. She begins a gradual process of slowly rehabilitating him.


Why Men Resist Change
In a myriad of ways she tries to change him or improve him. She thinks her attempts to change him are loving, but he feels controlled, manipulated, rejected, and unloved. He will stubbornly reject her because he feels she is rejecting him. When a woman tries to change a man, he is not getting the loving trust and acceptance he actually needs to change and grow.
When 1 ask a room filled with hundreds of women and men they all have had the same experience: the more a woman tries to change a man, the more he resists.
The problem is that when a man resists her attempts to improve him, she misinterprets his response. She mistakenly thinks he is not willing to change, probably because he does not love her enough. The truth is, however, that he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not being loved enough. When a man feels loved, trusted, accepted, appreciated, and so forth, automatically he begins to change, grow, and improve.


Two Kinds of Men/One Kind of Behavior
There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him, while the other will agree to change but later will forget and revert back to the old behavior. A man either activel y resists or passively resists.
When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.
For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his own, will look for ways to improve.


Men Don't Want to Be Improved
just as men want to explain why women shouldn't be upset, women want to explain why men shouldn't behave the way they do. just as men mistakenly want to "fix" women, women mistakenly try to improve" men.
Men see the world through Martian eyes. Their motto is "don't fix it, If it isn't broken." When a woman attempts to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He doesn't feel loved and accepted.
A man needs to be accepted regardless of his imperfections. To accept a person's imperfections is not easy,. especially when we see how he could become better. It does, however, become easier when we understand that the best way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way.
The following chart lists ways a woman can support a man in growing and changing by giving up trying to change him in any way:


NOW TO GIVE UP TRYING TO CHANGE A MAN
What she news to remember /Whet she can do
1. Remember: don't ask him too many questions when he is upset or he will feel you are trying to change him _______. 1. Ignore that he is upset unless he wants to talk to you about it. Show some initial concern, but not too much, as an invitation to talk.

2. Remember: give up trying to improve him in any way. He needs your love, not rejection, to grow. _____2. Trust hirn to grow on his own. Honestly share feelings but with out the demand that he change.

3. Remember: when you offer unsolicited advice he may feel mistrusted, controlled, or rejected _____3. Practice patience and trust that he will team on his own what he needs to learn. Wait until he asks for your advice.

4. Remember: when a man becomes stubborn and resists change he is not feeling loved ; he is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved. ____4. Practice showing him that he doesn't have to be perfect to deserve your love. Practice forgive
ness. (See chapter 1 L)

5. Remember: if you make sacrifices hoping he will do the same for you then he will feel pressured to change. ____ 5. Practice doing things for yourself and not depending on him to make you happy.

What she me& 19 remember Whet she con do

6. Remember: you can share negative feelings without trying to change hirn. When he feels accepted it is easier for him to listen. ____ 6. When sharing feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to do but that you want him to take your feelings into consideration.

7. Remember: if you give hirn directions and make decisions for him he will feel corrected and controlled _____7. Relax and surrender. Practice accepting imperfection. Make his feelings more important than perfection and don't lecture or correct him.

As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own unique needs, change and growth will become automatic. With a greater awareness of your partner's six primary needs you can redirect your loving support according to their needs and make your relationships dramatically easier and more fulfilling.



Chapter 9


How to


Avoid Arguments
One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, and doubting.
Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship.
just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.
For all practical purposes 1 strongly recommend that couples not argue. When two people are not *********ually in volved it is a lot eas
]1 15
ier to remain detached and objective while arguing or debating. But when couples argue who are emotionally involved and especially *********ually involved, they easily take things too personally.
As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don't argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting. Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On ti the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war.
It is best for a couple to find a balance between these two extremes. By remembering we are from different planets and thus developing good communication skills, it is possible to avoid arguments without suppressing negative feelings and conflicting ideas and desires.


WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE
Without understanding how men and women are different it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication.
The differences and disagreements don't hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements. (Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times.) But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
Unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner's point of view because of the way they are being approached.
Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point-of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner's attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually
be wounded by taking on their point of view.
The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point of view without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect ourselves from feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them.


WHY ARGUMENTS HURT
It is not what we say that hurts but bow we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels
challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well.
Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases.
He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. A t such times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.
A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.
He has no idea that be is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her.
When a man neglects to honor a woman's hurt feelings he inval- idates them and increases her hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his partner and thus provoking her resistance.
Similarly, women don't realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally involved.
Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner's behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a women neglects to buffer her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.
To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need.
Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way.
Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.

[phaml.anh]

Các Mẹ cho em xin file tiếng Anh sách sách này nha, em cảm ơn nhiều...:Smiling:

[Share is Love]

Download

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (http://www.mediafire.com/?yrnddzywhyo):Battin ey:

[chaomao1]

Cám ơn bạn đã đưa link nhưng chỉ mình cách copy với.

[miumiudangyeu]

Các Mẹ cho em xin file tiếng Anh sách sách này nha, em cảm ơn nhiều...:Smiling:
Link ở đây (http://dl.365ngay.info/download/12262388590479023001226238859/Men%20Are%20from%20Mars,%20Women%20Are%20from%20Ve nus.rar) bạn nhé! Chúc vui! :Smiling:

[mecobexiu]

Em kéo topic này lên để hỏi các mẹ xem có ai có link hoặc biết nơi nào bán sách này ko ạ? HÌnh như hiện tại ở VN đã có tiếng Việt và đã bán bên ngòai với tựa đề:"Đàn ông đến từ Sao Hỏa và đàn bà đến từ Sao Kim" phải ko ạ? Em ko biết có đúng là cuốn đó ko và các mẹ cho em hỏi là sách dịch này có dịch đúng nguyên bản ko ạ? Em thấy đề tựa từng chương có vẻ ko hay bằng bài các mẹ đã post trên này, ngặt nỗi em ko thể đọc bằng bản tiếng Anh và em muốn mua sách để đọc cho thích ạ. Các mẹ giúp em với nhé, thanks các mẹ.

[Heo vàng 2007]

Bản tiếng anh ko đọc được là sao hả em? Link của bạn NgTrungHieu vẫn hoạt động tốt mà. Phải chi có CD để vừa nghe truyện vừa luyện kỹ năng nghe thì tốt quá.


Quyển này em cũng có mua, đúng là hay lắm! Quyển xuất bản gần đây nhất lấy tên là: Đàn Ông Sao Hoả, Đàn Bà Sao Kim. Em thấy nhà sách nào cũng có bán đấy. Ở HCM, trên đường NTMK có rất nhiều nhà sách bán sách rẻ hơn giá bìa. Có 1 chỗ em hay đến bán rẻ hơn 30%, nhà sách Quỳnh Mai (đối diện nhà sách Minh Khai).

Bài này lâu rồi nhưng em cứ đến tìm thử xem?

[mecobexiu]

Bản tiếng anh ko đọc được là sao hả em? Link của bạn NgTrungHieu vẫn hoạt động tốt mà. Phải chi có CD để vừa nghe truyện vừa luyện kỹ năng nghe thì tốt quá.



Bài này lâu rồi nhưng em cứ đến tìm thử xem?

Hihi, tiếng Anh của em chưa đủ trình độ đọc truyện đâu ạ:p, chứ ko phải tại cái link:Drooling:
Bản audio đây nè chị:
http://rapidshare.com/files/2916854/AB-MFMWFV.part1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/2916838/AB-MFMWFV.part2.rar
EM biết ở ngoài cũng có bán ạ, nhưng lại ko biết tác giả nào dịch hay vì hiện giờ có nhiều người dịch quá, ngay cả mua sách online cũng đã có tới 2 cuốn sách vơí 2 dịch giả rồi ạ:Sad:

[Heo vàng 2007]

Úi trời là xui, chả hiểu sao chị ko bao giờ download được cái file trên rapidshare cả. Mẹ cò có ko?

[_Bimbimcua_]

Em kéo topic này lên để hỏi các mẹ xem có ai có link hoặc biết nơi nào bán sách này ko ạ? HÌnh như hiện tại ở VN đã có tiếng Việt và đã bán bên ngòai với tựa đề:"Đàn ông đến từ Sao Hỏa và đàn bà đến từ Sao Kim" phải ko ạ? Em ko biết có đúng là cuốn đó ko và các mẹ cho em hỏi là sách dịch này có dịch đúng nguyên bản ko ạ? Em thấy đề tựa từng chương có vẻ ko hay bằng bài các mẹ đã post trên này, ngặt nỗi em ko thể đọc bằng bản tiếng Anh và em muốn mua sách để đọc cho thích ạ. Các mẹ giúp em với nhé, thanks các mẹ.

Chị ơi chị ra Nguyễn Xí mua nhé, tựa đề đúng là "Đàn ông đến từ Sao Hỏa, đàn bà đến từ Sao Kim" đấy ah...Em cũng mua 1 cuốn trên NX hơn nửa năm rồi mà chưa nhằn dc chữ nào đây :p

[mecobexiu]

Chị ơi chị ra Nguyễn Xí mua nhé, tựa đề đúng là "Đàn ông đến từ Sao Hỏa, đàn bà đến từ Sao Kim" đấy ah...Em cũng mua 1 cuốn trên NX hơn nửa năm rồi mà chưa nhằn dc chữ nào đây :p

Cảm ơn bạn nhiều lắm:Smiling:, nhưng mình ở SG:Smiling:

[Tokho]

Hai file trên RapidShare của anh/chị mecobexiu chằng download được ạ, tiếc quá.
Cảm ơn mecobexiu vì đã có tâm chia sẻ với mọi người.

[trái tim bé bỏng]

Paste lại link down file đây bạn nhé:

Download

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (http://www.mediafire.com/?yrnddzywhyo):Battin ey:
hoặc đây:

Link ở đây (http://dl.365ngay.info/download/12262388590479023001226238859/Men%20Are%20from%20Mars,%20Women%20Are%20from%20Ve nus.rar) bạn nhé! Chúc vui! :Smiling:

[Heo vàng 2007]

Bạn Tokho đang nói về file audio chứ ko phải là file để đọc.

[trái tim bé bỏng]

Ôi, em xin lỗi nhé, cứ tưởng bác ấy đang cần bản đọc ạ, file audio down trên rapidshare hơi khó, máy cơ quan của em cũng bị chặn không down được về, em search trên mạng có thêm link down bằng torrent, bác thử xem sao nhé (nhưng chắc cũng như rapid thôi khó down lắm đấy ạ):
http://isohunt.com/download/15769513/Men+Are+From+Mars+Women+Are+From+Venus.torrent

[tham_son]

tham_son mua cuốn sách này bằng tiếng Việt, tựa đề "Đàn ông sao hỏa, đàn bà sao kim, hạnh phúc mãi mãi" quên tác giả dịch rồi :Sad: tại nhà sách Đức Mẹ Hằng Cứu Giúp 38 Kỳ Đồng, Q3. Giá 52K.

Nội dung rất hay, tham_son may mắn khi đọc được sách ở thời điểm này.

[mecobexiu]

Hai file trên RapidShare của anh/chị mecobexiu chằng download được ạ, tiếc quá.
Cảm ơn mecobexiu vì đã có tâm chia sẻ với mọi người.

Mình vẫn down được bình thường mà ta? Vậy để mình thử upload lên chỗ khác xem sao ha.

[mecobexiu]

Link audio mới đây ạ:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=VVFF33KG
To heovàng: chị ơi,chị xem có down được với link này ko nhé?

[Heo vàng 2007]

Chị mới load xong và bật thử thì ok rồi em. Dễ nghe cò à, em luyện nghe luôn đi. Cảm ơn em nhìêu.

[cai xanh]

thích quá mà tìm 4 nhà sách rồi không ra, tìm trên vinabook (nhà sách trên mạng) thì thấy có đến 3 quyển.
Mình copy mục lục từng quyển mọi người xem giúp quyển nào là chính xác nhất giúp mình.

Đàn Ông Sao Hỏa - Đàn Bà Sao Kim: quyển này phần tác giả chỉ ghi Đức Liên, Hương Lan
Giới thiệu về nội dung

Nam và nữ không chỉ khác nhau trong cách trao đổi, giao tiếp mà còn trong tư duy, cảm xúc, quan sát, phản ứng, nhu cầu, tình yêu mến và cả lòng biết ơn. Mỗi người phải hiểu tường tận điều này để tránh hiểu lầm nhau và luôn nghĩ rằng bạn mình là một người "hành tinh" khác đến, bạn sẽ thấy thoải mái khi cùng hợp tác. Nhiều cặp vợ chồng luôn thất vọng vì không hiểu sao họ rất yêu nhau nhưng có chuyện bất hoà, họ không sao dàn xếp êm ấm với nhau được. Nếu hiểu được những vấn đề của nhau chắc chắn bạn có thể bình tĩnh lắng nghe và thông cảm cho nhau.
Điều quan trọng nhất của cuốn sách này, bạn sẽ biết những giải pháp cụ thể để giải quyết những vấn đề phát sinh do sự khác biệt tâm lý giữa Nam và Nữ về mọi phương diện. Từ đó bạn sẽ biết cách làm gia tăng tình yêu, để tình yêu luôn là một khúc tình ca lãng mạn mà bạn xứng đáng được hưởng.
Đàn Ông Sao Hỏa - Đàn Bà Sao Kim là cuốn sách giúp bạn có thể có được điều quan "Trong khoảnh khắc bạn chợt nhận ra bạn là tất cả của "Người ta"!!!

Nội dung: gồm 13 chương:
Chương 1: Chàng sao hoả - nàng sao kim.
Chương 2: "Ngài chỉnh sửa" và "Uỷ ban cải tạo gia đình".
Chương 3: Chàng chui vào hang còn nàng thì nói.
Chương 4: Chàng và nàng quyến rũ nhau.
Chương 5: Bất đồng ngôn ngữ.
Chương 6: Chàng như sợi dây cao su.
Chương 7: Nàng như con sóng.
Chương 8: Khám phá những nhu cầu cảm xúc khác nhau.
Chương 9: Làm sao tránh cãi vã?
Chương 10: Ghi điểm trứơc phái kia.
Chương 11: Phương pháp giao tiếp trứơc những cảm xúc khó chịu.
Chương 12: Mời gọi và đón nhận sự nâng đỡ.
Chương 13: Giữ mãi điều huyền diệu của tình yêu.

Mời bạn đón đọc.




Giới thiệu về nội dung
Đàn Ông Sao Hỏa, Đàn Bà Sao Kim - Hạnh Phúc Bên Nhau chỉ ra những nguyên nhân dẫn đến xung đột trong hôn nhân, đồng thời giúp bạn có thêm nhiều kỹ năng mới trong việc giữ gìn và vun đắp hạnh phúc gia đình.

Cuốn sách bàn đến nhiều vấn đề mà trường lớp hay bố mẹ không thể dạy cho bạn, đơn giản bởi đó là những điều chỉ có thể được rút ra từ cuộc sống thực tế với những hoàn cảnh sống cụ thể. Cuốn sách sẽ gợi mở cho bạn nhiều hướng đi mới, đem lại những thông tin cần thiết để bạn có thể tạo dựng, nuôi dưỡng tình yêu, sự cảm thông và chia sẻ với người bạn đời.

Cuộc sống ngày càng hiện đại, con người càng cố gắng vươn tới sự toàn vẹn và hoàn hảo. Đặc biệt, khi nền tảng kinh tế và nhiều chuẩn mực trong xã hội thay đổi, mối quan hệ giữa người với người cũng thay đổi theo, trong đó trước hết phải kể đến quan hệ hôn nhân - gia đình.

Ngày nay, người phụ nữ không chỉ giới hạn ở vai trò làm vợ, làm mẹ như trước đây, mà họ càng mong muốn khẳng định vị trí của mình trong xã hội. Tương tự, người đan ông chỉ có mục tiêu duy nhất là thành đạt trong sự nghiệp, mà họ còn khát khao được yêu và sống trong sự chăm sóc, yêu thương. Họ muốn có nhiều thời gian để giải trí và để sẻ chia việc nuôi dạy con cái trong gia đình.

Trước sự thay đổi này, nhiều người không khỏi bối rối. Thậm chí có nhiều người đã không thể chấp nhận và không dành sự cảm thông, hỗ trợ tinh thần cho bạn đời của mình. Đây cũng là nguyên nhân dẫn đến xung đột, tan vỡ của nhiều cặp vợ chồng.

Thực trạng này khiến nhiều câu hỏi bức thiết được đặt ra. Đâu là nguyên nhân chính của sự đổ vỡ này? Phải chăng con người nên kìm chế những nhu cầu cá nhân để sống cho một lý tưởng cao hơn?

Mục Lục:
Từ trải nghiệm bản thân
Chương 1: Bí quyết giữ ấm ngọn lửa gia đình
Chương 2: Những hiểu biết tâm lý cần thiết về phụ nữ và nam giới
Chương 3: Nghệ thuật hỗ trợ cảm xúc
Chương 4: Sực khác biệt trong suy nghĩ, cảm xúc của phụ nữ và nam giới
Chương 5: Kỹ năng lắng nghe cần có ở nam giới
Chương 6: Kỹ năng để phụ nữ thu hút sự lắng nghe của nam giới
Chương 7: Khi cả hai không có tiếng nói chung
Chương 8: Nam giới vẫn là người sao hoả, phụ nữ vẫn là người sao kim
Chương 9: Cuộc sống yêu thương nồng nàn
Chương 10: Vũ điệu của tình cảm vững bền.

Mời bạn đón đọc.






Giới thiệu về nội dung
Tìm Lại Tình Yêu - Đàn Ông Sao Hỏa, Đàn Bà Sao Kim:
Một tình yêu vững bền mãi mãi là điều ai trong chúng ta cũng khao khát. Nhưng nếu vì một lý do nào đó mà quan hệ tình cảm không tiếp tục được nữa thì bạn sẽ phải đối diện với một thời kỳ mới với rất nhiều xáo trộn về tâm sinh lý. Thời kỳ hàn gắn vết thương lòng sau tổn thất đó có thể rất khó khăn, nhưng bạn sẽ vượt qua cảm giác tiếc nuối, giận dữ và đau khổ dễ dàng hơn khi học hỏi những kinh nghiệm được đúc rút từ cuộc sống thực tế trong cuốn "Đàn ông sao Hỏa, Đàn bà sao Kim - tìm lại tình yêu của TIến sĩ tâm lý Jonh Gray.

Sự mất mát đổ vỡ trong tình yêu có thể lập tức biến đổi cuộc sống chúng ta. Dù biết phải làm lại từ đầu, nhưng việc bỗng nhiên phải đối mặt với sự trống vắng trên chặng đường sắp tới khiến ta không khỏi hụt hẫng. ta nhận thấy mình vừa mất đi điều thân quen, thiêng liêng nhất, vừa lúng túng trước tương lai không biết ra sao. Đầu óc hiện ra bao câu hỏi trong khi trái tim chứa đầy khổ đau.

Hãy dành một chút thời gian đồng hành cùng quyển sách này và nhận ra mình cần làm gì để cuộc sống tốt hơn. Nhưng đều tâm huyết trong cuốn "Đàn ông sao Hỏa, Đàn bà sao Kim - Tìm lại tình yêu" được tác giả viết ra sau hai mươi tám năm tích lũy kinh nghiệm tư vấn cho nhiều người hàn gắn vết thương lòng sau khi tình yêu đổ vỡ hay mất đi người thân. Dù mỗi người có một cảnh ngộ khác nhau, nhưng họ đều có một điểm chung là bất hạnh trong tình cảm.

Dù quá trình hàn gắn vết thương lòng của chúng ta là như nhau, nhưng mỗi người lại gặp phải những thử thách riêng. Điều này đòi hỏi mỗi người cần có sự nhìn nhận sâu sắc về tình huống của mình, từ đó lựa chọn phương pháp tốt nhất cho bản thân. Cuốn sách này nhằm chỉ dẫn cho bạn cách hàn gắn vết thương lòng, dù bạn gặp phải bất kỳ nỗi mất mát nào. Hãy tin rằng bạn không bao giờ đơn độc, bởi cuộc sống còn bao người rơi vào tình cảnh như bạn nhưng họ đã vượt qua. Họ đã sống để tiếp tục yêu thương. Và bạn cũng sẽ như thế!

Đàn ông sao Hỏa, Đàn bà sao Kim - Tìm lại tình yêu là cuốn sách viết nên từ tâm tình và thiện chí, đồng thời cũng là món quà tác giả muốn gửi đến cuộc đời. Mong rằng nó sẽ hữu ích trong lúc bạn phải đương đầu với những vất vả của trái tim.

Mục lục:
Lời giới thiệu
Chuyện đời tôi
Phần 1: Sao hỏa và sao kim làm lại từ đầu
1. Sao hỏa và sao kim - làm lại từ đầu
2. Trái tim thương tổn
3. Quãng thời gian tình cảm bị gián đoạn
4. Đau lòng vì mất mát tình yêu
5. Giải tỏa cảm xúc
...
Phần 2: Sao Kim - Làm lại từ đầu
1. Khắt khe chọn lựa
2. Những áp lực mới của việc hẹn hò
3. Quen nhiều người nhưng không nên sống buông thả
4. Xu hướng ngợi ca quá khứ
5. Sa lầy vào đau khổ
...
Phần 3: Sao Hỏa - Làm lại từ đầu
1. Đối diện với thử thách mới
2. Quan hệ tình dục sau cú sốc tinh thần
3. Những "chứng nghiện" tích cực
4. Công việc, tiền bạc và tình yêu
5. Chỉ có tình yêu thôi chưa đủ.
...
Lời kết: Hãy chọn lựa yêu thương lần nữa

Mời bạn đón đọc

[Tiny Lumpy]

Chào các bạn,

Tớ download được sách trên này về hai vợ chồng đang đọc.
Bản đó download nhiều lần nhưng cứ bị lỗi từ trang 115 đến 145. không đọc được.
Ai có được phần đó cho tớ xin với.

Cảm ơn nhiều.

[Confidential]

Bác tvdhp gửi cái heck gì mà dài loằng ngoằng thế ko biết?

[nga-nguyen]

Bản không bị lỗi nè mấy mẹ..
http://rs93.rapidshare.com/files/108132452/Men_Are_From_Mars_Women_Are_From_Venus.rar

http://www.mediafire.com/?jtmzmyhrzlj

[Tuệ]

Cuốn này mình đọc cũng lâu rồi, bản tiếng Anh. Mấy sách này đọc bản tiếng Anh là hay nhất. Chưa có gia đình nhưng cứ tò tò đọc trước biết đâu sau này có lúc cần:Battin ey:

[Tuệ]

thích quá mà tìm 4 nhà sách rồi không ra, tìm trên vinabook (nhà sách trên mạng) thì thấy có đến 3 quyển.
Mình copy mục lục từng quyển mọi người xem giúp quyển nào là chính xác nhất giúp mình.

Đàn Ông Sao Hỏa - Đàn Bà Sao Kim: quyển này phần tác giả chỉ ghi Đức Liên, Hương Lan
Giới thiệu về nội dung

Nam và nữ không chỉ khác nhau trong cách trao đổi, giao tiếp mà còn trong tư duy, cảm xúc, quan sát, phản ứng, nhu cầu, tình yêu mến và cả lòng biết ơn. Mỗi người phải hiểu tường tận điều này để tránh hiểu lầm nhau và luôn nghĩ rằng bạn mình là một người "hành tinh" khác đến, bạn sẽ thấy thoải mái khi cùng hợp tác. Nhiều cặp vợ chồng luôn thất vọng vì không hiểu sao họ rất yêu nhau nhưng có chuyện bất hoà, họ không sao dàn xếp êm ấm với nhau được. Nếu hiểu được những vấn đề của nhau chắc chắn bạn có thể bình tĩnh lắng nghe và thông cảm cho nhau.
Điều quan trọng nhất của cuốn sách này, bạn sẽ biết những giải pháp cụ thể để giải quyết những vấn đề phát sinh do sự khác biệt tâm lý giữa Nam và Nữ về mọi phương diện. Từ đó bạn sẽ biết cách làm gia tăng tình yêu, để tình yêu luôn là một khúc tình ca lãng mạn mà bạn xứng đáng được hưởng.
Đàn Ông Sao Hỏa - Đàn Bà Sao Kim là cuốn sách giúp bạn có thể có được điều quan "Trong khoảnh khắc bạn chợt nhận ra bạn là tất cả của "Người ta"!!!

Nội dung: gồm 13 chương:
Chương 1: Chàng sao hoả - nàng sao kim.
Chương 2: "Ngài chỉnh sửa" và "Uỷ ban cải tạo gia đình".
Chương 3: Chàng chui vào hang còn nàng thì nói.
Chương 4: Chàng và nàng quyến rũ nhau.
Chương 5: Bất đồng ngôn ngữ.
Chương 6: Chàng như sợi dây cao su.
Chương 7: Nàng như con sóng.
Chương 8: Khám phá những nhu cầu cảm xúc khác nhau.
Chương 9: Làm sao tránh cãi vã?
Chương 10: Ghi điểm trứơc phái kia.
Chương 11: Phương pháp giao tiếp trứơc những cảm xúc khó chịu.
Chương 12: Mời gọi và đón nhận sự nâng đỡ.
Chương 13: Giữ mãi điều huyền diệu của tình yêu.

Mời bạn đón đọc.




Giới thiệu về nội dung
Đàn Ông Sao Hỏa, Đàn Bà Sao Kim - Hạnh Phúc Bên Nhau chỉ ra những nguyên nhân dẫn đến xung đột trong hôn nhân, đồng thời giúp bạn có thêm nhiều kỹ năng mới trong việc giữ gìn và vun đắp hạnh phúc gia đình.

Cuốn sách bàn đến nhiều vấn đề mà trường lớp hay bố mẹ không thể dạy cho bạn, đơn giản bởi đó là những điều chỉ có thể được rút ra từ cuộc sống thực tế với những hoàn cảnh sống cụ thể. Cuốn sách sẽ gợi mở cho bạn nhiều hướng đi mới, đem lại những thông tin cần thiết để bạn có thể tạo dựng, nuôi dưỡng tình yêu, sự cảm thông và chia sẻ với người bạn đời.

Cuộc sống ngày càng hiện đại, con người càng cố gắng vươn tới sự toàn vẹn và hoàn hảo. Đặc biệt, khi nền tảng kinh tế và nhiều chuẩn mực trong xã hội thay đổi, mối quan hệ giữa người với người cũng thay đổi theo, trong đó trước hết phải kể đến quan hệ hôn nhân - gia đình.

Ngày nay, người phụ nữ không chỉ giới hạn ở vai trò làm vợ, làm mẹ như trước đây, mà họ càng mong muốn khẳng định vị trí của mình trong xã hội. Tương tự, người đan ông chỉ có mục tiêu duy nhất là thành đạt trong sự nghiệp, mà họ còn khát khao được yêu và sống trong sự chăm sóc, yêu thương. Họ muốn có nhiều thời gian để giải trí và để sẻ chia việc nuôi dạy con cái trong gia đình.

Trước sự thay đổi này, nhiều người không khỏi bối rối. Thậm chí có nhiều người đã không thể chấp nhận và không dành sự cảm thông, hỗ trợ tinh thần cho bạn đời của mình. Đây cũng là nguyên nhân dẫn đến xung đột, tan vỡ của nhiều cặp vợ chồng.

Thực trạng này khiến nhiều câu hỏi bức thiết được đặt ra. Đâu là nguyên nhân chính của sự đổ vỡ này? Phải chăng con người nên kìm chế những nhu cầu cá nhân để sống cho một lý tưởng cao hơn?

Mục Lục:
Từ trải nghiệm bản thân
Chương 1: Bí quyết giữ ấm ngọn lửa gia đình
Chương 2: Những hiểu biết tâm lý cần thiết về phụ nữ và nam giới
Chương 3: Nghệ thuật hỗ trợ cảm xúc
Chương 4: Sực khác biệt trong suy nghĩ, cảm xúc của phụ nữ và nam giới
Chương 5: Kỹ năng lắng nghe cần có ở nam giới
Chương 6: Kỹ năng để phụ nữ thu hút sự lắng nghe của nam giới
Chương 7: Khi cả hai không có tiếng nói chung
Chương 8: Nam giới vẫn là người sao hoả, phụ nữ vẫn là người sao kim
Chương 9: Cuộc sống yêu thương nồng nàn
Chương 10: Vũ điệu của tình cảm vững bền.

Mời bạn đón đọc.






Giới thiệu về nội dung
Tìm Lại Tình Yêu - Đàn Ông Sao Hỏa, Đàn Bà Sao Kim:
Một tình yêu vững bền mãi mãi là điều ai trong chúng ta cũng khao khát. Nhưng nếu vì một lý do nào đó mà quan hệ tình cảm không tiếp tục được nữa thì bạn sẽ phải đối diện với một thời kỳ mới với rất nhiều xáo trộn về tâm sinh lý. Thời kỳ hàn gắn vết thương lòng sau tổn thất đó có thể rất khó khăn, nhưng bạn sẽ vượt qua cảm giác tiếc nuối, giận dữ và đau khổ dễ dàng hơn khi học hỏi những kinh nghiệm được đúc rút từ cuộc sống thực tế trong cuốn "Đàn ông sao Hỏa, Đàn bà sao Kim - tìm lại tình yêu của TIến sĩ tâm lý Jonh Gray.

Sự mất mát đổ vỡ trong tình yêu có thể lập tức biến đổi cuộc sống chúng ta. Dù biết phải làm lại từ đầu, nhưng việc bỗng nhiên phải đối mặt với sự trống vắng trên chặng đường sắp tới khiến ta không khỏi hụt hẫng. ta nhận thấy mình vừa mất đi điều thân quen, thiêng liêng nhất, vừa lúng túng trước tương lai không biết ra sao. Đầu óc hiện ra bao câu hỏi trong khi trái tim chứa đầy khổ đau.

Hãy dành một chút thời gian đồng hành cùng quyển sách này và nhận ra mình cần làm gì để cuộc sống tốt hơn. Nhưng đều tâm huyết trong cuốn "Đàn ông sao Hỏa, Đàn bà sao Kim - Tìm lại tình yêu" được tác giả viết ra sau hai mươi tám năm tích lũy kinh nghiệm tư vấn cho nhiều người hàn gắn vết thương lòng sau khi tình yêu đổ vỡ hay mất đi người thân. Dù mỗi người có một cảnh ngộ khác nhau, nhưng họ đều có một điểm chung là bất hạnh trong tình cảm.

Dù quá trình hàn gắn vết thương lòng của chúng ta là như nhau, nhưng mỗi người lại gặp phải những thử thách riêng. Điều này đòi hỏi mỗi người cần có sự nhìn nhận sâu sắc về tình huống của mình, từ đó lựa chọn phương pháp tốt nhất cho bản thân. Cuốn sách này nhằm chỉ dẫn cho bạn cách hàn gắn vết thương lòng, dù bạn gặp phải bất kỳ nỗi mất mát nào. Hãy tin rằng bạn không bao giờ đơn độc, bởi cuộc sống còn bao người rơi vào tình cảnh như bạn nhưng họ đã vượt qua. Họ đã sống để tiếp tục yêu thương. Và bạn cũng sẽ như thế!

Đàn ông sao Hỏa, Đàn bà sao Kim - Tìm lại tình yêu là cuốn sách viết nên từ tâm tình và thiện chí, đồng thời cũng là món quà tác giả muốn gửi đến cuộc đời. Mong rằng nó sẽ hữu ích trong lúc bạn phải đương đầu với những vất vả của trái tim.

Mục lục:
Lời giới thiệu
Chuyện đời tôi
Phần 1: Sao hỏa và sao kim làm lại từ đầu
1. Sao hỏa và sao kim - làm lại từ đầu
2. Trái tim thương tổn
3. Quãng thời gian tình cảm bị gián đoạn
4. Đau lòng vì mất mát tình yêu
5. Giải tỏa cảm xúc
...
Phần 2: Sao Kim - Làm lại từ đầu
1. Khắt khe chọn lựa
2. Những áp lực mới của việc hẹn hò
3. Quen nhiều người nhưng không nên sống buông thả
4. Xu hướng ngợi ca quá khứ
5. Sa lầy vào đau khổ
...
Phần 3: Sao Hỏa - Làm lại từ đầu
1. Đối diện với thử thách mới
2. Quan hệ tình dục sau cú sốc tinh thần
3. Những "chứng nghiện" tích cực
4. Công việc, tiền bạc và tình yêu
5. Chỉ có tình yêu thôi chưa đủ.
...
Lời kết: Hãy chọn lựa yêu thương lần nữa

Mời bạn đón đọc

Theo mục lục bạn đưa thì cuốn đầu tiên là đúng đó bạn:Smiling:

[Tulino]

Các mẹ có biết quyển này bản TA bán ở đâu ko ạ? Em ghét đọc trên máy, chỉ thích cầm sách giấy, lăn ra giường đọc thôi, hic.

[LotusScent]

Các chị có bản tiếng Việt cho em xin với ạ
Đọc để có kn :Laughing::Laughing:
Mình chỉ có mỗi bản Ebook thôi:
http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?ykhjt1mtzo2

[meyeuconnhattrendoi]

Em mới down đc quyển of dịch giả Phạm THị Chuyên và ai đấy e wen rồi,52k, em fải đi mua mới dc, mọi ng khen ghê thế cơ mà

[chocopi]

có ai có quyển này = tiếng Việt ko, ebook cũng được, cho mình xin đi!!! minh kiếm ở mấy nhà sách rồi ko có. :Sad:

[miumiudangyeu]

Sang bên thư viện ebook có đấy bạn nhé! Nhớ dowload thêm phần mềm Mobile pocket reader về nữa là đọc ngon lành. :Smiling:
http://www.thuvien-ebook.com/forums/showthread.php?t=23322

[chocopi]

Sang bên thư viện ebook có đấy bạn nhé! Nhớ dowload thêm phần mềm Mobile pocket reader về nữa là đọc ngon lành. :Smiling:
http://www.thuvien-ebook.com/forums/showthread.php?t=23322

ok, thanks bạn nhé, nhưng hình như bản dịch của 1 bạn nào trên này đọc thấy hấp dẫn hơn hẳn, rất tiếc là hình như ko có bản full :Crying: